Being a Nobody

I have come to a pretty significant realization in my life: I am, for the most part, a nobody.

Don't get me wrong. I am somebody. We all are. But I am not anyone particularly important in the grand scheme of things.

Over the course of my life, I have come across people who truly are somebodies. They are the kind of people who inspire others, accomplish remarkable things, and leave lasting impressions wherever they go. They are often admired, celebrated, and remembered.

I was never one of those people.

I wasn't unpopular, either. I simply existed somewhere in the middle. I had great friends throughout the years, though truth be told, I have often been a terrible friend. But that's a story for another time.

This story is about being a nobody.

There was a time when I desperately wanted to be a somebody. I believed it took something extraordinary to earn that title. Money. Power. Influence. Recognition. The ability to change the world in a visible way.

I have none of those things.

Sometimes I think about the people I've encountered throughout my life who were undeniably somebodies. People who achieved extraordinary things and left their mark on the world.

One of those people was Maya Angelou.

In 1997, I had the opportunity to hear her speak, and she was nothing short of extraordinary. Even though I was not an African American woman growing up in the South, her words still resonated deeply with me as a teenager growing up in the North. There was a universal truth in what she shared, something that reached beyond race, geography, or circumstance.

Thinking about that experience makes me want to revisit Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now. Perhaps it's time I read it again.

Maya Angelou rose above immense challenges and lived a life that continues to inspire generations. She possessed the kind of strength, wisdom, and grace that made people stop and listen. She was, without question, a somebody.

Then I think of one of my favorite artists, Pablo Picasso.

I have visited two museums dedicated to his work, one in Barcelona and another in Paris. He created masterpieces and developed a style I can only wish I could imitate. Through color, shapes, and abstraction, he represented things that most people preferred to see in black and white.

Picasso was extraordinary. He changed the art world and continues to inspire generations of artists. Yet by many accounts, he was not a particularly good person, especially in the way he treated women. That contrast has always fascinated me.

One of his quotes has become one of my core artistic values: "Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up." That idea speaks to something I try to hold onto, a commitment to creativity, curiosity, and seeing life in color even when the world encourages us to see it in black and white.

As I've gotten older, however, I've started to question what makes a person extraordinary. Is it talent? Success? Influence? Legacy?

Picasso was extraordinary, but many would not describe him as kind.

Maya Angelou was extraordinary, but what I remember most is not necessarily what she accomplished. It is how she made people feel. One of her most famous quotes was, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

The older I get, the more I believe that might be true.

When I was younger, I thought being a somebody meant accomplishing great things, creating a legacy, or changing the world. But maybe it is much simpler than that. Maybe being a somebody is not about what you create or achieve. Maybe it is about the way you treat people.

There seem to be two goals in life. One is to be an inspiration. The other is to be a decent human being.

The fortunate few manage to be both.

For most of my life, I focused on the first goal. I admired people who stood out, who left their mark, who achieved something extraordinary. But now I find myself valuing the second goal more.

I may never be famous. I may never create a masterpiece like Picasso or inspire millions like Maya Angelou. The truth is, I will probably remain a nobody. Most of us will.

And maybe that's okay.

Because when my life is over, I don't think the people who knew me will care about my accomplishments as much as they'll remember how I made them feel. Whether I was kind. Whether I listened. Whether I showed up when it mattered.

Maybe being remembered by the world is overrated.

Maybe being loved by a few people is enough.

And maybe being a decent human being is its own kind of greatness.

Under Construction: What Fallingwater Means to Me Now

In high school in the 90s, I took an Art class with Mrs. Finney—one of those teachers you never forget. She had this way of pushing us to see the world differently. Not just what was in front of us, but what could be there. She told us to think big, to be bold, to notice beauty in everyday things. For a kid like me, that mattered.

My Senior year, my artclass took a fieldtrip to Fallingwater.

At the time, I was already interested in architecture. I loved my CAD class—the precision of it, the creativity, the way you could design an entire space from nothing but lines and measurements. It made sense to me in a way a lot of other subjects didn’t.

I wasn’t the best student. I didn’t think of myself as particularly smart, and we didn’t have money. College, especially for something like architecture, didn’t feel like a real option. I applied to my dream college just for the hell of it - Arizona State and the rejection came faster than anything ever has.  So even though I had this interest—this pull toward design—I didn’t have the confidence or support to fully believe I could pursue it.

Fallingwater should have been the highlight of that dream.

But when we got there, it was under construction.

There were structural issues. Water damage. The flat roof—something that made the house famous—was also part of the problem. The building needed reinforcement. Work had to be done to protect it from the very environment it was designed to embrace.

At the time, I didn’t have the words for what that meant. It just felt strange. This place I had heard about, this iconic example of design, wasn’t perfect. It needed fixing.

Now, I think about that differently.

Because that’s exactly what life looks like.

Back then, my path felt limited. I didn’t think I had what it took—whether that was money, ability, or just confidence. My dreams weren’t loud or bold. They were quiet, and honestly, a little dim. Not because they didn’t matter, but because I didn’t have the strength I have today to push against what felt like reality.

So I didn’t become an architect.

But life has a sense of humor. Now I work with architects.

I’m around the field I once imagined for myself, just from a different angle. Close enough to understand it, to appreciate it, and to see how much work goes into making something both functional and meaningful.

And I think back to that trip more often than I expected I would.

Fallingwater wasn’t perfect. It needed work to stay standing.

And that doesn’t take away from its beauty or importance—it’s part of the story.

The same could be said for all of us.

We all want to build something meaningful with our lives. We want it to matter, to look a certain way, to reflect who we are. But along the way, things shift. Foundations crack. Plans change. Sometimes we realize we built parts of our lives without the support they really needed.

So we go back and reinforce them.

We rebuild.

For me, faith has become part of that process. Not in a perfect or polished way, but in a steady, grounding way. It’s the framework I didn’t fully have when I was younger—the thing that helps hold everything together when life puts pressure on the structure.

And there’s still art in it too.

Mrs. Finney was right about that part. Learning to see your life through the eyes of an artist changes things. It helps you recognize that even the imperfect parts—the setbacks, the detours, the things you didn’t become—can still be meaningful. Still part of something worth building.

I didn’t go to college for architecture. I didn’t follow that exact path.

But I didn’t lose it either.

It just took shape differently.

And like Fallingwater, it stands—not because it was flawless, but because it’s been cared for along the way

Architects vs. Engineers — From a Finance Perspective (and a Mom’s Perspective)

Over the last decade, I’ve worked closely with both architects and engineers - and if you sit where I sit in finance, you start to notice patterns pretty quickly.

They’re both essential - smart, hardworking, and critical to getting a project across the finish line. But they think very differently about value, output, and money.

Architects, in my experience, lead with vision. They care deeply about the design, the experience, how something looks, feels, and comes together. There’s pride in the work - and rightly so. The conversation is often about possibilities, beauty, and pushing the idea further.

Engineers approach things a little differently. They want to know:

Does it work? Is it efficient? What’s the most logical way to get there?

And those differences show up clearly when you bring finance into the picture.

Architects often see cost as something to work around or manage. Engineers tend to build cost into the equation from the beginning. There’s a natural focus on efficiency, optimization, and measurable output.

As someone wired for performance, margins, and accountability, I’ll admit - I naturally gravitate toward the engineering mindset. It aligns closely with how I think about results. But I’m also deeply artistic at my core. I can get completely absorbed in an art project, losing track of time, chasing the details, wanting a painting to come together just right. I still love Picasso’s quote, “Every child is an artist. The problem is remaining one when we grow up.” I’ve held onto that. And because of it, I understand the pull of the creative process, which is exactly why I’ve come to appreciate both sides even more.

Which makes this season of life especially meaningful.

My son is starting his second year at Wake Tech, with hopes of transferring to NC State for Civil Engineering. And in a lot of ways, this path feels like it’s been building for a long time.

When he was two, he wanted to be an architect. I still remember his daycare teacher laughing and telling me she had to Google how to spell “architect” so she could label his self-portrait - because most kids his age were drawing themselves as firefighters or police officers.

By third grade, he had shifted to wanting to be a structural engineer. His teacher smiled during our conference and told me her brother was a structural engineer - and that most third graders don’t even know what an engineer is, let alone a structural one.

The signs were always there.

He spent years building detailed worlds in Minecraft and Roblox, completely absorbed in how things came together. He understood, even then, the balance between vision and function. He could sit for hours watching YouTubers like Mark Rober, Practical Engineer, Real Engineering, and Smarter Every Day.

Looking back, it all lines up.

But what stands out most to me isn’t just his interest in engineering - it’s his work ethic. He’s driven, focused, and disciplined in a way that makes me confident that wherever he lands, he’s going to do great things.

And the more I’ve worked with architects and engineers over the years, the more I’ve come to appreciate that the best outcomes don’t come from one way of thinking.

They come from balance.

The strongest teams are the ones where big ideas are paired with practical execution. Where creativity is supported by discipline. Where vision and function push each other to be better.

So while I may naturally lean toward efficiency and results, I’ve learned to respect both sides.

And I’m excited to see where my son fits into that world - and what he builds next.

A Year of Grandparenting: Distance, Dreams, and Devotion

Last week my granddaughter turned 1. Where did the last year go?

I know I was a young mom, but I never expected to become a young grandparent as well. It’s strange and sometimes mentally hard. I always pictured myself as the fun grandparent—taking my grandkids on adventures, making crafts, and sharing laughter. But my granddaughter doesn’t live near me, and at times, I feel like I’m missing so much as she grows up. Life doesn’t slow down for anyone; I still have to work and carry significant responsibilities. I wish I could press pause and savor the little moments, but time just keeps slipping away.

Still, I am grateful for the good relationship I have with my children, and I hope to build just as strong a bond with my grandchildren—however many I may have someday. It’s true: we never stop worrying about our adult kids, and now that concern extends to their children. No one tells you how hard parenting is, or that grandparenting comes with its own set of challenges and joys.

As I reflect on this first year, I’m reminded how important it is to cherish the moments we do get, even if they’re brief or far apart. Distance may separate us, but love bridges the gap. I want my granddaughter to know, as she grows, that kindness matters, that curiosity leads to wisdom, and that love is the greatest gift of all.

So, here are some wishes for her—and for myself—as we continue this journey together:

• Love generously: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” — 1 Peter 4:8
• Practice kindness: Every act of compassion makes the world brighter.
• Seek wisdom and wonder: “Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.” — Socrates
• Be grateful for each day: The little things often become the big things.
• Be brave and true: Courage will carry us through the unknown.

Maybe I won’t be able to do all the “fun grandparent” things I imagined, but I’ll do my best to stay connected and share whatever love, guidance, and support I can—no matter the miles between us. And I hope someday she’ll look back and know she was cherished every step of the way.

Mandatory Fun Day

I’ve worked for many different companies over the years, and I’ve experienced a wide range of workplace cultures and traditions. I feel grateful for many of the teams I’ve been part of, but I’ve also noticed how much companies struggle with one particular thing: employee engagement.

Some companies do nothing at all.
Some companies do a lot—sometimes almost too much.
And a few, in my opinion, strike the right balance of engagement, culture, and benefits.

But here’s what I believe is more important than any of that.

Most people today don’t celebrate unless their company prompts them to.

Think about how often managers take teams out to lunch—but only if it’s company-paid. My husband once had a manager who regularly treated his team to lunch out of his own pocket. That small difference made it feel genuine, personal, and intentional—not transactional.

When everything is paid for, planned, and expected, it creates a lack of emotional investment. People often don’t care more when they’re incentivized to care; they care when something actually means something.

I’ve also noticed a generational gap in expectations. Older generations often expected little from their employers, while younger generations tend to expect generosity, work-life balance, and workplace perks. In response, many companies now plan “mandatory fun days”—events designed to bring coworkers together and build culture.

Sometimes they work.
But more often, I believe they create experiences rather than real connections.

These events are planned.
They’re paid for.
And they’re expected.

That makes them feel anything but organic.

Worse, they sometimes send a subtle message: You don’t need to step up—because the company will handle it for you. Over time, that removes personal responsibility and intention from leadership and teams.

I don’t believe big events create better culture. If anything, the older I get, the more I realize that it’s the small, immaterial things that truly matter.

A thoughtful handwritten thank-you card—not one that’s templated or rubber-stamped.
An impromptu conversation.
A spontaneous lunch to celebrate something meaningful in someone’s life.

Recently, a new coworker said to me, “I only go out with people because it’s company-paid and I have to.” That comment made me genuinely sad. It showed a lack of appreciation and intention—two things I believe are essential to a healthy workplace.

If you’re a manager, learn how to show appreciation with intention.
Don’t create mandatory fun days just because you feel obligated to.
Create a simple philosophy around stewardship—of people and of company resources—especially if your organization doesn’t have deep pockets or large expense accounts.

Culture isn’t built through obligation.
It’s built through care.

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

 When I was a teenager, I asked my youth pastor a serious question. I don’t remember the exact words—something like What’s the meaning of life? It was probably a clumsy, overly dramatic teenage question, but I remember his answer clearly.

He quoted U2: “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

At the time, I thought it was an odd response. He was mature, knew Jesus, and seemed to have a pretty great life. People liked him. He lived freely and appeared carefree.

And yet—here I am now, the same age he was when I asked that question, sometimes saying those exact words myself: I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

I have a good life. A beautiful family—not perfect, but pretty amazing. A solid career. More than enough things. I take care of my mind, body, and soul as best I can. I’m self-aware… or at least I think I am.

What I’m beginning to understand is the quiet truth behind that U2 lyric: I’m not actually lost. I’m in between versions of myself.

That makes sense. I’m at a crossroads. My kids are adults now, and I’ve just welcomed a granddaughter into the world. Life has shifted.

What I wonder is this: Who is the next version of me?

I’m not looking for more things. I’m looking for more peace, love, and joy. I’ve climbed high mountains and wandered through wide fields—literally and metaphorically. I’ve searched. I’ve arrived. And I’ve started again.

So here I am, asking questions. Trying to reawaken parts of myself I didn’t know existed—or that may have been asleep for a while.

I think about my youth pastor now and realize how broken he probably was, too. And yet, he gave me real wisdom: to keep running when you’re tired and to keep searching when you feel lost—literally and metaphorically. (He was also known for taking long “shortcuts.”)

I’ve always believed that if something felt off in my life, it meant I needed fixing. But the truth is, I’m not broken—I’m evolving.  

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for—and maybe that’s exactly how I know I’m alive.

World Kindness Day

Having grown up in Pittsburgh, PA, I was raised on Mr. Rogers! (He's a legend who encouraged kindness, self-worth, and compassion.)

This morning, as I was driving to work and mumbling at the cars cutting me off, I caught myself—and thought, “What would Mr. Rogers do?”

I took a breath, smiled, and decided to give them a little grace. We never really know what others are going through, but kindness is always a good place to start.

On this World Kindness Day, I’m reminding myself that small acts—whether it’s patience on the road, a smile to a coworker, or a word of encouragement—can make a big difference in someone’s neighborhood. 💛

My 40 major accomplishments - Reflections

In scripture the the number 40 generally symbolized a period of testing or trial.  Moses alone went though many rounds with the number 40.  40 years in Egypt to 40 more years in the desert and don't forget the 40 days on Mount Sinai twice. 

I have been wondering about the things I've really accomplished in my 40 years of life... here's what of my 40 most significant accomplishments:

1. My faith in Christ

2. Getting married 

3. Having a Daughter

4. Having a Son

5. My Time at Habitat for Humanity and knowing Millard Fuller

6. My Happy-Go-Lucky Attitude 

7. My college Education 

8. My Time at Wake Tech

9. My Time in Youth Ministry  as a youth group leader

10. Being a Seahorse

11.  Making a bucket list and checking a lot off it

12.  Coming up with goooooals to make myself a better person

13. Running a half marathon (..quite a few times)

14. Parallel parking in downtown Pittsburgh in the rain during rush hour

15. Raised money at age 17 to go on a habitat mission trip - 25th anniversary blitz build by myself

16. Taking My Daughter to Paris and London for her birthday

17. Running an 800M at 2:18 and a 400M at .58

18. Moving out at 18 and living independently since then

19. Being able to cook well and cooking for over 130 guests (twice)

20. Staying happily married more than 20 years .. and still going

21. Playing softball throughout high school and being part of the all Star playoff team each year

22. Being Artistic and painting my living room to look like a castle

23. Winning a hammer buy sinking a 16 penny nail with one hit

24. Being financially savvy and a natural entrepreneur.  Having started working at age 12 with delivering newspapers.

25. Working hard to be debt free

26.  Running a marathon (a few times actually)

27.  Learning how to drive a manual (stick shift) from PA to GA & a Motorcycle

28. Being anemic and learning you have to listen and take care of your body

29. Having both my children 100% naturally and impressing my nurses when they thought I couldn't do it

30.  Being part of the best high school youth group and knowing Jim and Bonnie

31. My time working in healthcare and helping people get better

32. Being a working mom

33. Planning family trips and showing my kids a little bit of the world

34.  My time in stage crew and theater arts and painting spectacular sets my senior year

35. Coming up with an idea

36. Taking My Son to Greece for his birthday

37. For having core values and trying to live them out every day

39. Knowing when to quit and when to keep going

40. Knowing that my best efforts and accomplishments are all the work of God

Embrace your Imperfections

Birthday's always inspire me to do something .. evaluate where I am and who I am. 

What I am finding out the older I get is the more I embrace my imperfections.  

We live in a world that is constantly telling us to be 'perfect'  I am too old to know that we are never going to be perfect and more importantly that the world just wants us to constantly question who we are.  

Heck - even our phones take out any flaws and make us look... way more spectacular that we really look:

"Face Beauty Auto"

"Real life me"

So today, I am turning off auto filter and letting you know some of my imperfections! 

1. I have no musical talent WHAT SO EVER … and when I sing along with the radio (which I do often and so much enjoy)  I am out of tune, the lyrics are half wrong, and even though I look like I might be the best headbanger in the world.. I am not.  

2. I worry way too much.  I worry about my family, my career, even my electric bill.. I worry when I shouldn't.  I worry so much at times - I don't sleep and then I worry about my health and well being.  I know that My faith tells me to not worry.. but then I worry I am living my faith all wrong.  

3.  I know I shouldn't care what people think of me... but I secretly do.  I guess we all want to be liked and one of the "cool popular" people.  We try way to hard to be the "perfect" friend or people pleaser.  I want to seem cool.. have cool hair... make cool things.  But I know deep down I am not cool 99.9% of the time. 

4. My body is far - far - far from perfect. I have gray hair.  I have crocked teeth.  I have scars.  I have acne.  I have wrinkles.  And I have stretch marks.  My ideal weight is off about 15 pounds and my cholesterol is starting to border on the higher side. My hair is frizzy all the time.  I don't get enough good sleep so I am starting to look like a raccoon at times.  I am never going to be a model and the true is I am short and somewhat stalky.  

5. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I am constantly setting up some lofty goals because I am secretly trying to figure out my purpose in life.  What am I good at, What makes the world a little more better?  What am I doing with my life?  I feel like I am constantly challenging the status quo but stuck in the I must live the "Happy American Dream."  And yet, I am doing everything in my power to keep up with the 'Jones' and grow my 401K, so one day I can say: "I made it."  

            and that's only a few... so many more..

I believe, we all need to be a little more transparent instead of letting the "Face beauty auto" correct us.  The world tell us who we should be.  What we should look like.  How "Perfect" is suppose to look like.

We need to embrace those imperfections.  

Raising a daughter has taught me that it's ok to show your true self.  Lead by example and teach your daughters (and sons) that it's ok to be yourself and true to who you are. You shouldn't have to hide any imprecations because we all have them and they make use all unique. 

God made us all beautiful in our own ways and he loves us even in our imperfections.  

We all need to love ourselves for what we are instead of hating ourselves for what we're not. 

#embraceyourimperfections

6 States Away

So it happened.  My daughter graduated high school and went off to college - six states away.  Not just a college but a Military college. 

(and in a pandemic...) 

I thought I would cry, but I didn't.  

It was as good as it could be. She looked nervous and unsure about the next chapter.  She knows that it will be more difficult and probably the hardest thing she has yet to have done.  She grew up quite comfortable and knows those comforts are gone for now.  

It is all natural and part of letting them grow up.  I am happy for her next chapter and yet a little sad that I won't get to be an active part of it.  

It makes me question all the years of parenting.. did I equip her enough to handle all the things life will throw at her... because I know life comes at you hard some times. 

I know deep down things will be good, but will she have the strength to really preserve when things get tough?  I pray she does and I trust God's hand and plan. I know he's guided her to this spot and she will continued to grow. 

I am lucky parenting never stops and that she will always be my daughter - even when she's six states away. 

Sometimes..

Sometimes the things we want are really hard and we quit to easily.  

Sometimes we don't quit and we find success.

Sometimes when life throw us curve balls - we swing and strike out. 

Sometimes we swing and knock it out of the park. 

Sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroad and take the wrong path in the wrong directions. 

Sometimes we stop and ask for directions and take the right path. 

Sometimes we get lost. 

Sometimes we get found. 

Sometimes we just want to hide. 

Sometimes we just want to seek. 

Sometimes we love. 

Sometimes we hate. 

Sometimes we dance. 

Sometimes we cry. 

Sometimes we're amazed at the beauty,

Sometimes we are sad by the ugliness. 

Sometimes we live fully. 

Sometimes we don't live much at all

Sometimes - is only just sometimes.  

Patience and bead weaving

My mother in law makes the most beautiful jewelry.

I imagine it takes hours and hours, to pick all the colors, sort the beads, then string them all together with all the different styles and arrangements.

And although I'm not a huge jewelry person, I find her work of art to be beautiful and a testimony towards patience.

I have always known I lack patience.  At to an early age I recognized my lack of patience. I am the last born in my family and always wanted to go first but always ended up going last.  I hate waiting in long lines. And I sometimes spontaneously rush to get the things I want even though I was told to wait. 

I struggle with the verse.. I waited patiently for the Lord.  But I often find myself in that situation.  Learning to be patient isn't something that I enjoy but I'm slowly learning that you can find happiness and even contentment while in a time of waiting. 

So, when I find myself being inpatient, I pull out my jewelery from my mother in law and reminded how beautiful things come out of being patient.

Get it together

I'm 40 now, I really should have my s*** together ... but here I am days before the new year planning out how to get my s*** together ... again.

This year will bring many new things. My first born will graduate high school and move off into the world.  I often ask myself, did I prepare her enough?  Did I screw up along the way?

Then there's my 13 year old son... Is he becoming a godly man? Does he have what it takes to endure adolescence and puberty?  

then I think of all the other things that are even more important than being a mother ... My marriage, my body, my mind, and my soul.  Have I been properly feeding those things?

I like New year's. I like New year's resolutions.  I like having goals.  And I like challenging myself.  And yet I still think I have a long way before I truly have my s*** together.  

She's not 39... Anymore...

Over 20 years ago when I was in high school, my youth group leader Bonnie was turning 40.

Jim (her husband) and I rewrote the lyrics to I can't cry anymore by Sheryl Crow and sang "She's not 39 anymore..."

Funny how I somewhat forgot about that and now... Soon I'll be singing that myself.

I don't quiet recall at the age of 16 where I wanted to be when I turned forty but I'm pretty sure I wanted to be much like Bonnie.

She was a pretty epic person and considering I didn't deserve her love she gave it so freely.

I've been reflecting alot on the person I was then and the person I am today. I'm amazed where and how I traveled and the journey in which God lead me. I often wondering, where did the days and years go?

I'm not sure I really recall what my 16 year old self would be at   at my  16 year would be at age 40. l daughter look a lot at my daughter and an reminded of the youthfulness and sence of adventure. 

Turing 40 is strange and so real but one things for sure I won't be 39 anymore.

Unfinished

I start a lot of painting that get pretty far along and then something happens and they remain unfinished.

There's usually a good explanation as to why I don't finish it..

It's almost as I lose interest or lose the desire to finish it.  Perhaps I'm just afraid I'll mess it up, as there have been times I keep painting and then things went sideways and I ruined it.  I find myself saying: "If I only didn't put that green there."

The other and more often excuse is I just become uninspired or interested in it.  I get stuck and just give up. I find myself saying "This isn't really that good..."  File it away to maybe someday I'll finish that.  Often times those "ruts" remain unfinished.

It's made me wonder if they're others things in my life that I treat like unfinished paints.

The answer is yes.. there are quite a few things I start then quit along the way.  I have probably 30 started blog post that have a few sentences or a couple paragraphs.  I will start a really important goal and then just give up on the pursuit.

Sometimes I wonder where I am in God's studio.  Am I getting closer to being completed or do I have a long way to go.  For now I feel very unfinished but I know he who started a good work in me will complete it I'll and I'll be a masterpiece.

Distributions and unimportant

As I put in my notice for my job, I knew there was going to be challenges... 

Hard goodbyes and missed opportunities.

Fears and doubts.

Bitterness and resentment.

But what I found out through this process was how unimportant I was on some levels, as I was told they wouldn't be filling my job.

As my job tasks started getting distributed amongst the remaining team, I was struck with the impression that my job was relevant and unimportant.  I certainly know may not be true but it was a humble reminder.

Jesus doesn't want us to make idols and he certainly doesn't want us to be prideful in the things we do or the things we have.

For me... a good career, a good title, a nice paycheck are idols.

For me... Getting praise and glory from others are idols.

When people brush me off so easily, I wonder if I was ever important and why people didn't see my beautiful idols.  Ha.

This process is reminding me... In many ways .. it's not about me.  Throughout my life journey God has to keep reminding me that I shouldn't care so much of the things of this world and I really need to fix my eyes on things above.

God is slowly making me into a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit.  I certainly can't let anything stand in the way of that.

So during this transition, as God reminds me to throw away the idols... I choose to not care so much about being distributed and unimportant.

Be happy

My daughter was telling me about an article she read that said the only way to be happy was to live a simple life.

I told her that though there is some truth to it... There was more to that statement and more to pursing happiness.

Knowing how she operates...I explained that often times we consider happiness the end destination.

Once I do X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy.
Or
Once I buy X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy.

I told her that happiness was the journey and though the destination might make you happy, often times it's fleeting.  If you're not happy in the journey/ the here in now, then you're not pursing the right things. 

I used some of my favorite examples...

If you want to run a marathon but you absolutely hate running.. Why give yourself a goal you don't enjoy. If you're not enjoying the journey to the goal then why are you doing it.. most people might say no one enjoys running but that's not true.

Or

If you save up all your money for those new shoes but then your never where then because you don't want them to get ruined..  because life had taught you that the first time You wore them it rained and they got ruined.  But if you don't enjoy the things you have and you slow fear to plague you, then why did you waste your money in the first place.

Life is hard and it's often messy.  We won't always be happy...

But often times we forget to enjoy the little things because we're too focused on the big.. down the road things. (I'm so guilty if this...)  We say to ourselves... I'll be happy later and then later never comes.

So my challenge is to live a simple life and be happy here and now as much as possible... As often as possible. 

Fruit Roll-up

A co-worker of mine just told me a story that he remembered from the fourth grade.

He started off that his mom would daily pack his lunch and include a fruit roll up.  Those are a big deal to kids.  I never got a fruit roll up in my lunches but I remember those kids who did.

One day he got his lunch out of his cubby and his fruit roll up was gone. He knew who took his snack but even though he was upset he didn't say anything. 

When he went home that afternoon,  he told his mom who stole and how upset he was.  His whole day was off because he didn't have his snack.

She told him that he wasn't allowed to retaliate.  The next morning his mom gave him his lunch which included: two fruit roll-ups.  She told him that he was to give the extra one to the girl who took his the day prior.

He did.  He didn't say anything about her stealing it but that today he had brought an extra for her to have. 

He chuckled as he said she never stole it again but what struck me was the pure kindness his mom taught him.

Clearly it had an impact as he still remembered the story even after 30 years.

Too often we covet and we sometimes steal, because we just want what others have.  Or we're the ones that people are stealing from and we often get so upset that people take what isn't theirs.

Sometimes God can teach us much about kindness and forgiveness with just two Fruit Roll ups.

James N Gordon

The other day I got a letter... From Jim Gordon.

Made me think and reflect on my time spent with him.. And here's my conclusion:

Jim was a jerk. Don’t worry, I made sure I told him that every chance I could.  He was completely irresponsible at times.  He drove recklessly and had been known to take short-cuts that weren’t really short cuts at all.  I even once saw him write a letter to someone while he was driving.   He was selfish and not a great husband.  He hurt his beautiful wife too many times to count. 

He lacked fashion sense.  He had crazy hair and wore the ugliest green sweater vest.  He was egotistical.  He was so boastful in himself and would go on record that certain things were only funny when he did them.  He would make fun of you in a heartbeat, even at a wedding… even if you were the bride and it was during the ceremony.   He had the most obnoxious laugh.  He knew how to embarrass you in public and he would do it every chance he could.  He would probably tell you that he was the worst sinner of them all, just as humbling as Paul wrote to Timothy. 

Jim was a jerk and had so many flaws…but don't we all?

Jim Gordon had something most of us lack.  He had a certain charisma that you can’t quite put in words.  He had a spirit you couldn't generate or copy even if you tried.  He dedicated his live to love people where they were, but also to challenge them NOT to stay there.  He didn't buy into the whole status quo and he certainly wasn't the worlds standard of a guy.  

He gave his time to just sit with you and shoot the shit.  He made people feel special even if they were strangers.  He would give the shirt off his back, if you need it.  He could make you laugh even when you had nothing to even smile about. He planted small seeds of faith in so many people. He figured out the key to life and he lived it out beautifully.  He knew how to fart around and He knew how to love like Jesus.  

Even now years later... I want to be a little more like Jim... Farting around and loving like Jesus.

Run down and worn out

I'm a go go go.. Girl.  I don't really know the true meaning of "resting" because I'm always a get it done and then off to the next thing.

I guess when you've trained for a marathon being highly anemic you can find the energy to do about anything.

Even now, I'm starting to feel a bit worn down and wondering if I'm starting to get sick, I'm thinking of all the things I have to get done. 

I'm constantly being yelled at by my husband, that I don't rest and I don't take good care of myself.  But isn't that somewhat the life of a 'working' wife and mom... To be self-sacrificing and wanting to make sure everything is the best it can be even when you're a little worn down? 

I'm getting better at taking care of myself but not nearly as good as my husband would like.  I can't tell the world to just stop because I'm tried.  I'm not wired that way and even when I'm resting I'm still thinking, planning or making my lists.

I know that he only has my best interest at heart, but often times when I'm starting to get sick it burned it I'm humbly reminded at Christ sacrifice for me.  The pain he went through.  My stuffy nose and sore throat are nothing compared to his suffering. 

My "non rest" attitude is centered on the passion to do everything Christ had called me to do.  I remember that marathon so well and how I had to depend on Christ to get me to the finish line.  God doesn't want us to me to suffer but though that I persevere. 

I recognize my stubbornness but I also recognize that Jesus gives me rest, the strength and power to push on. 

So the next time (and the next... And the next...)  I'm feeling run down and worn out... I'll keep turning to Jesus and I'll truly rest when he calls me home.