Random Thoughts of a Supersmock

Over 20 years ago when I was in high school, my youth group leader Bonnie was turning 40. Jim (her husband) and I rewrote the lyrics to I can't cry anymore by Sheryl Crow and sang "She's not 39 anymore..." Funny how I somewhat forgot about that and now... Soon I'll be singing that myself. I don't quiet recall at the age of 16 where I wanted to be when I turned forty but I'm pretty sure I wanted to be much like Bonnie. She was a pretty epic person and considering I didn't deserve her love she gave it so freely. I've been reflecting alot on the person I was then and the person I am today. I'm amazed where and how I traveled and the journey in which God lead me. I often wondering, where did the days and years go? I'm not sure I really recall what my 16 year old self would be at   at my  16 year would be at age 40. l daughter look a lot at my daughter and an reminded of the youthfulness and sence of adventure.  Turin...

I start a lot of paintings that get pretty far along, and then something happens and they remain unfinished. There's usually a good explanation as to why I don't finish them. It's almost as if I lose interest or lose the desire to keep going. Perhaps I'm just afraid I'll mess it up. There have been plenty of times when I kept painting, only to have things go sideways and ruin it. I find myself saying, "If only I hadn't put that green there." The other, and probably more common, excuse is that I simply become uninspired. I get stuck and just give up. I find myself saying, "This isn't really that good..." So I file it away and tell myself that maybe someday I'll finish it. Often, though, those paintings remain unfinished. It's made me wonder if there are other things in my life that I treat like unfinished paintings. The answer is yes. There are quite a few things I start and then quit somewhere along the way. I probably have 30 st...

As I put in my notice for my job, I knew there was going to be challenges...  Hard goodbyes and missed opportunities. Fears and doubts. Bitterness and resentment. But what I found out through this process was how unimportant I was on some levels, as I was told they wouldn't be filling my job. As my job tasks started getting distributed amongst the remaining team, I was struck with the impression that my job was relevant and unimportant.  I certainly know may not be true but it was a humble reminder. Jesus doesn't want us to make idols and he certainly doesn't want us to be prideful in the things we do or the things we have. For me... a good career, a good title, a nice paycheck are idols. For me... Getting praise and glory from others are idols. When people brush me off so easily, I wonder if I was ever important and why people didn't see my beautiful idols.  Ha. This process is reminding me... In many ways .. it's not about ...

My daughter was telling me about an article she read that said the only way to be happy was to live a simple life. I told her that though there is some truth to it... There was more to that statement and more to pursing happiness. Knowing how she operates...I explained that often times we consider happiness the end destination. Once I do X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy. Or Once I buy X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy. I told her that happiness was the journey and though the destination might make you happy, often times it's fleeting.  If you're not happy in the journey/ the here in now, then you're not pursing the right things.  I used some of my favorite examples... If you want to run a marathon but you absolutely hate running.. Why give yourself a goal you don't enjoy. If you're not enjoying the journey to the goal then why are you doing it.. most people might say no one enjoys running but that's not true. Or If you save up a...

A co-worker of mine just told me a story that he remembered from the fourth grade. He started off that his mom would daily pack his lunch and include a fruit roll up.  Those are a big deal to kids.  I never got a fruit roll up in my lunches but I remember those kids who did. One day he got his lunch out of his cubby and his fruit roll up was gone. He knew who took his snack but even though he was upset he didn't say anything.  When he went home that afternoon,  he told his mom who stole and how upset he was.  His whole day was off because he didn't have his snack. She told him that he wasn't allowed to retaliate.  The next morning his mom gave him his lunch which included: two fruit roll-ups.  She told him that he was to give the extra one to the girl who took his the day prior. He did.  He didn't say anything about her stealing it but that today he had brought an extra for her to have.  He chuckled as he said she n...

The other day I got a letter... From Jim Gordon. Made me think and reflect on my time spent with him.. And here's my conclusion: Jim was a jerk. Don’t worry, I made sure I told him that every chance I could.  He was completely irresponsible at times.  He drove recklessly and had been known to take short-cuts that weren’t really short cuts at all.  I even once saw him write a letter to someone while he was driving.   He was selfish and not a great husband.  He hurt his beautiful wife too many times to count.  He lacked fashion sense.  He had crazy hair and wore the ugliest green sweater vest.  He was egotistical.  He was so boastful in himself and would go on record that certain things were only funny when he did them .  He would make fun of you in a heartbeat, even at a wedding… even if you were the bride and it was during the ceremony.   He had the most obnoxious laugh.  He knew how to embarrass you ...

I'm a go go go.. Girl.  I don't really know the true meaning of "resting" because I'm always a get it done and then off to the next thing. I guess when you've trained for a marathon being highly anemic you can find the energy to do about anything. Even now, I'm starting to feel a bit worn down and wondering if I'm starting to get sick, I'm thinking of all the things I have to get done.  I'm constantly being yelled at by my husband, that I don't rest and I don't take good care of myself.  But isn't that somewhat the life of a 'working' wife and mom... To be self-sacrificing and wanting to make sure everything is the best it can be even when you're a little worn down?  I'm getting better at taking care of myself but not nearly as good as my husband would like.  I can't tell the world to just stop because I'm tried.  I'm not wired that way and even when I'm resting I'm still thinking...

I hate taking tests.  It's one of the main reasons I didn't sit for my CPA once I graduated many years ago. I am terrible at making certain selections to questions. I always find myself second guessing my answers.  Then I would end up getting it wrong, because it was my first choice but because of doubt I changed it. I always like the option D - all of the above... When in doubt go with D.  I treat my life much like that, when I don't know the answers I'll go with option D all of the above.  Bagel or doughnut.. both.  Coffee or tea.. Both.   Renovate the kitchen, bathroom or office.. all. As I get older I'm starting to recognize: D- All... Is not always the best answer. I'm easily over extended at times and to exhausted to enjoy the small things.  It's even more apparent when I see my teenage daughter also pick D- All... She's very much like me at times. I'm slowly learning and teaching it's about quality over quantity... ...

Did you ever know someone that can make you feel so insignificant? It's not so much an attitude of them being inferior and high and mighty, rather they just make you feel so low and unimportant. I have a boss that makes people feel that way.  She plays favorites.  She either likes you or doesn't and if she doesn't: She very rarely gives praises for a job well done and often puts her employees down by being demeaning or giving them cold shoulder. I've had a few co-workers say similar things and often feel very neglected and have become somewhat resentful.  They have tried to work things out with her, but she often does very little to resolve the issues.  Because her past actions, when she does do something nice or give praise, it's treated as a cheap sentiment.  Folks joke that it's pointless to say anything because she's untouchable and has positioned herself very well in the company. I am typically not bothered by such a narcissistic ...

I just read an article that Ellen Page ragged on Chris Pratt about his his faith and the church being anti-LGBTQ... What I guess I don't understand is when did we make "anti" such a dirty/ hateful word.  The definition of anti is: opposed to; against.  In the noun form it means: a person opposed to a particular of, activity or idea. What's happened in our society is we've added to that to include: hate, anger and disgust. We can no longer be anti something without adding hostility.  We make assumptions that if you're anti...then you are automatically intolerant and discriminating.   We add that extra to make it spiteful and sting... Which causes so much hatred and divide. I'll be honest there are many things I'm anti on:  Mustard, Being late somewhere, Talking on the phone, washing dishes, etc.. however I'm wouldn't say that I'm hateful or disgusted over those things (well.. except the mustard...) As a Christian I may be opposed to ce...

We don't like admitting when we screwed up or failed.  I'm no exception... I hate when people see my flaws and inadequacy. However, sometime we have to put it out there that we aren't successful.  No one is perfect!  I was 100% successful... Until the Potassium metabisulfite. I was in the last phase of my first homemade wine.  It was just about the to bottle.  I wanted to add a preservative so my wine would last longer.  So I read the instructions and add the sodium metaphosphate.  Plugged it up and wait the two more days. Bottling day arrives and my son and I successfully bottle 29 bottles of wine. With the little bit remaining in my Big bubbler I decide to pour it in a glass and toast my success. Took a sip... And thought:  this didn't taste right at all!! I sat down and frowned and wondered what happened. It took me a while but I realized it had to be my last step, so I went back to my instructions. Yep. I misread the am...

I was dropping off my daughter at school this morning.   As she was getting out of the car, I said "Goodbye, have a great day." Her reply nothing.  I then said "I love you!" Her reply nothing.  I pulled away like... Wow. Now, I wasn't aware that I did anything specific to make my daughter angry or give her grounds to be rather rude but mornings aren't her favorite and the teenage moods are the real deal. Most of the time I am able shake off these kind of hurts (or at least put them in the closet for the devil to use later) but as a pulled away this morning from her school, I was kinda sad.  Then I was kinda mad.  Sad, that her attitude made me feel unimportant or disrespected. Mad that she's somewhat ungrateful and selfish.  I'm not a perfect mother (person) and I'm sure I slammed the door without saying anything to the people in my life.. Often .  But in that moment I realized that your attitude can really effect people... Both positive...

Every now and then, things don't go my way. Well, if I'm being honest, it seems to happen more often these days. Between trials, setbacks, disappointments, frustrations, and unexpected challenges, it sometimes feels like life has been serving up a little bit of everything lately. The other day, Google Music created a playlist for me called "Shake It Off." At first, I laughed. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that's exactly what I've been needing to do. There are times when I feel like I'm growing closer to Christ, becoming more patient, more trusting, and more focused on Him. Then something happens and I get knocked down a few pegs. It's as if the world wants me to become cynical. It wants me to be angry, bitter, discouraged, or depressed. And honestly, some days it's tempting. But whether I need to shake it off or simply refuse to be shaken , I know I can't stay in that place. I've found one of the best ways to shak...

Lately at work, I've been feeling like that dead office plant. You know the one sitting in the corner, all wilted, dried up, and barely hanging on. It's surprisingly easy to feel malnourished and deflated. For a plant, it's a lack of water and sunshine. For people, it's often a lack of encouragement, support, and motivation. I love buying plants. I love when they're full, green, and thriving. The problem is, I'm not always great at keeping them that way. Recently, I came across a checklist for growing healthy plants: Know your plants. Make sure the containers or pots are big enough. Provide the right amount of sunshine. Water them only as often as needed. Fertilize them. Check on them regularly. Keep pests away. As I was reading the list, I realized how much of it applies to being a manager. Know your employees. Make sure they're in positions where they can grow and flourish. Encourage and motivate them. Provide constructive feedback. Pay them fairly. Che...

Almost 28 years ago, I remember my mom waking us up one morning to tell us that my Uncle Larry had died. I can still remember trying to piece it all together and grasp the idea of life and death. My uncle was only 26 years old and was probably one of the most mild-mannered people I had ever known. I was confused and heartbroken. As the details gradually unfolded, I learned that my uncle had been out coon hunting when a juvenile neighbor, whom I'll call Steve (not his real name), stabbed him near the heart. My uncle died on the way to the hospital. Apparently, Steve didn't like my uncle and had gone out of his way to make life difficult for him. What made the situation even harder for many people to understand was that Steve was the son of a local preacher. I never went to the trial and was shielded from most of the conversations surrounding it. I remember bits and pieces from the news and snippets of conversations between the adults around me, but much of it was beyond my unde...

New year's... It's the time of year you say to yourself I'm going to do x, y, z... This year  it's been a major time of reflection. I keep asking myself "what am I doing?" I love being self-aware,  but every now and then I become clueless on what I'm doing any who I am. I keep going through life thinking I need to check the ALL of the boxes.  Or at least see many as I can. Get married ☑️ check.  Have kids but ☑️ check. Get a job ☑️ check.  Drive a race car ☑️ check. Lately I feel like I'm missing something really important.  My propose seems all jumbled and hodge podged. Time is also against me as it seems I'm running out of it.  It's flying by and I'm aging way too fast.  They say you get to fully enjoy life when you're retired but I'm selfish and I want it now. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a "Martha". - 100% I'm trying to make sure the meal gets prepared, complain I'm the only ...

It's FAR too easy to jump on the band wagon ... My son was recently learning about idioms and the bandwagon is a pretty famous one. In 19 century America, the bandwagon was a wagon that carried a group of musicians.  People often followed them preceding a parade or some performance.  Since then it's become an effect where people uptake a certain belief, idea, fad, or trend.  It's the individual following or adopting those things mostly because it's present and looked entertaining. I often find myself caught jumping on and off certain bandwagons.   I'm easily attracted to the songs and tunes of said bandwagon.  Oh that clever devil... I'm certainly caught between staying in the path Jesus calls us to and the path that the world follows... The one that says I should be, do, have... Be something special, do something grand, and have all the things my heart desires. Jesus doesn't promise his road is easier... He doesn't promise the worl...