I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

 When I was a teenager, I asked my youth pastor a serious question. I don’t remember the exact words—something like What’s the meaning of life? It was probably a clumsy, overly dramatic teenage question, but I remember his answer clearly.

He quoted U2: “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

At the time, I thought it was an odd response. He was mature, knew Jesus, and seemed to have a pretty great life. People liked him. He lived freely and appeared carefree.

And yet—here I am now, the same age he was when I asked that question, sometimes saying those exact words myself: I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

I have a good life. A beautiful family—not perfect, but pretty amazing. A solid career. More than enough things. I take care of my mind, body, and soul as best I can. I’m self-aware… or at least I think I am.

What I’m beginning to understand is the quiet truth behind that U2 lyric: I’m not actually lost. I’m in between versions of myself.

That makes sense. I’m at a crossroads. My kids are adults now, and I’ve just welcomed a granddaughter into the world. Life has shifted.

What I wonder is this: Who is the next version of me?

I’m not looking for more things. I’m looking for more peace, love, and joy. I’ve climbed high mountains and wandered through wide fields—literally and metaphorically. I’ve searched. I’ve arrived. And I’ve started again.

So here I am, asking questions. Trying to reawaken parts of myself I didn’t know existed—or that may have been asleep for a while.

I think about my youth pastor now and realize how broken he probably was, too. And yet, he gave me real wisdom: to keep running when you’re tired and to keep searching when you feel lost—literally and metaphorically. (He was also known for taking long “shortcuts.”)

I’ve always believed that if something felt off in my life, it meant I needed fixing. But the truth is, I’m not broken—I’m evolving.  

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for—and maybe that’s exactly how I know I’m alive.

World Kindness Day

Having grown up in Pittsburgh, PA, I was raised on Mr. Rogers! (He's a legend who encouraged kindness, self-worth, and compassion.)

This morning, as I was driving to work and mumbling at the cars cutting me off, I caught myself—and thought, “What would Mr. Rogers do?”

I took a breath, smiled, and decided to give them a little grace. We never really know what others are going through, but kindness is always a good place to start.

On this World Kindness Day, I’m reminding myself that small acts—whether it’s patience on the road, a smile to a coworker, or a word of encouragement—can make a big difference in someone’s neighborhood. 💛

My 40 major accomplishments - Reflections

In scripture the the number 40 generally symbolized a period of testing or trial.  Moses alone went though many rounds with the number 40.  40 years in Egypt to 40 more years in the desert and don't forget the 40 days on Mount Sinai twice. 

I have been wondering about the things I've really accomplished in my 40 years of life... here's what of my 40 most significant accomplishments:

1. My faith in Christ

2. Getting married 

3. Having a Daughter

4. Having a Son

5. My Time at Habitat for Humanity and knowing Millard Fuller

6. My Happy-Go-Lucky Attitude 

7. My college Education 

8. My Time at Wake Tech

9. My Time in Youth Ministry  as a youth group leader

10. Being a Seahorse

11.  Making a bucket list and checking a lot off it

12.  Coming up with goooooals to make myself a better person

13. Running a half marathon (..quite a few times)

14. Parallel parking in downtown Pittsburgh in the rain during rush hour

15. Raised money at age 17 to go on a habitat mission trip - 25th anniversary blitz build by myself

16. Taking My Daughter to Paris and London for her birthday

17. Running an 800M at 2:18 and a 400M at .58

18. Moving out at 18 and living independently since then

19. Being able to cook well and cooking for over 130 guests (twice)

20. Staying happily married more than 20 years .. and still going

21. Playing softball throughout high school and being part of the all Star playoff team each year

22. Being Artistic and painting my living room to look like a castle

23. Winning a hammer buy sinking a 16 penny nail with one hit

24. Being financially savvy and a natural entrepreneur.  Having started working at age 12 with delivering newspapers.

25. Working hard to be debt free

26.  Running a marathon (a few times actually)

27.  Learning how to drive a manual (stick shift) from PA to GA & a Motorcycle

28. Being anemic and learning you have to listen and take care of your body

29. Having both my children 100% naturally and impressing my nurses when they thought I couldn't do it

30.  Being part of the best high school youth group and knowing Jim and Bonnie

31. My time working in healthcare and helping people get better

32. Being a working mom

33. Planning family trips and showing my kids a little bit of the world

34.  My time in stage crew and theater arts and painting spectacular sets my senior year

35. Coming up with an idea

36. Taking My Son to Greece for his birthday

37. For having core values and trying to live them out every day

39. Knowing when to quit and when to keep going

40. Knowing that my best efforts and accomplishments are all the work of God

Embrace your Imperfections

Birthday's always inspire me to do something .. evaluate where I am and who I am. 

What I am finding out the older I get is the more I embrace my imperfections.  

We live in a world that is constantly telling us to be 'perfect'  I am too old to know that we are never going to be perfect and more importantly that the world just wants us to constantly question who we are.  

Heck - even our phones take out any flaws and make us look... way more spectacular that we really look:

"Face Beauty Auto"

"Real life me"

So today, I am turning off auto filter and letting you know some of my imperfections! 

1. I have no musical talent WHAT SO EVER … and when I sing along with the radio (which I do often and so much enjoy)  I am out of tune, the lyrics are half wrong, and even though I look like I might be the best headbanger in the world.. I am not.  

2. I worry way too much.  I worry about my family, my career, even my electric bill.. I worry when I shouldn't.  I worry so much at times - I don't sleep and then I worry about my health and well being.  I know that My faith tells me to not worry.. but then I worry I am living my faith all wrong.  

3.  I know I shouldn't care what people think of me... but I secretly do.  I guess we all want to be liked and one of the "cool popular" people.  We try way to hard to be the "perfect" friend or people pleaser.  I want to seem cool.. have cool hair... make cool things.  But I know deep down I am not cool 99.9% of the time. 

4. My body is far - far - far from perfect. I have gray hair.  I have crocked teeth.  I have scars.  I have acne.  I have wrinkles.  And I have stretch marks.  My ideal weight is off about 15 pounds and my cholesterol is starting to border on the higher side. My hair is frizzy all the time.  I don't get enough good sleep so I am starting to look like a raccoon at times.  I am never going to be a model and the true is I am short and somewhat stalky.  

5. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I am constantly setting up some lofty goals because I am secretly trying to figure out my purpose in life.  What am I good at, What makes the world a little more better?  What am I doing with my life?  I feel like I am constantly challenging the status quo but stuck in the I must live the "Happy American Dream."  And yet, I am doing everything in my power to keep up with the 'Jones' and grow my 401K, so one day I can say: "I made it."  

            and that's only a few... so many more..

I believe, we all need to be a little more transparent instead of letting the "Face beauty auto" correct us.  The world tell us who we should be.  What we should look like.  How "Perfect" is suppose to look like.

We need to embrace those imperfections.  

Raising a daughter has taught me that it's ok to show your true self.  Lead by example and teach your daughters (and sons) that it's ok to be yourself and true to who you are. You shouldn't have to hide any imprecations because we all have them and they make use all unique. 

God made us all beautiful in our own ways and he loves us even in our imperfections.  

We all need to love ourselves for what we are instead of hating ourselves for what we're not. 

#embraceyourimperfections

6 States Away

So it happened.  My daughter graduated high school and went off to college - six states away.  Not just a college but a Military college. 

(and in a pandemic...) 

I thought I would cry, but I didn't.  

It was as good as it could be. She looked nervous and unsure about the next chapter.  She knows that it will be more difficult and probably the hardest thing she has yet to have done.  She grew up quite comfortable and knows those comforts are gone for now.  

It is all natural and part of letting them grow up.  I am happy for her next chapter and yet a little sad that I won't get to be an active part of it.  

It makes me question all the years of parenting.. did I equip her enough to handle all the things life will throw at her... because I know life comes at you hard some times. 

I know deep down things will be good, but will she have the strength to really preserve when things get tough?  I pray she does and I trust God's hand and plan. I know he's guided her to this spot and she will continued to grow. 

I am lucky parenting never stops and that she will always be my daughter - even when she's six states away. 

Sometimes..

Sometimes the things we want are really hard and we quit to easily.  

Sometimes we don't quit and we find success.

Sometimes when life throw us curve balls - we swing and strike out. 

Sometimes we swing and knock it out of the park. 

Sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroad and take the wrong path in the wrong directions. 

Sometimes we stop and ask for directions and take the right path. 

Sometimes we get lost. 

Sometimes we get found. 

Sometimes we just want to hide. 

Sometimes we just want to seek. 

Sometimes we love. 

Sometimes we hate. 

Sometimes we dance. 

Sometimes we cry. 

Sometimes we're amazed at the beauty,

Sometimes we are sad by the ugliness. 

Sometimes we live fully. 

Sometimes we don't live much at all

Sometimes - is only just sometimes.  

Patience and bead weaving

My mother in law makes the most beautiful jewelry.

I imagine it takes hours and hours, to pick all the colors, sort the beads, then string them all together with all the different styles and arrangements.

And although I'm not a huge jewelry person, I find her work of art to be beautiful and a testimony towards patience.

I have always known I lack patience.  At to an early age I recognized my lack of patience. I am the last born in my family and always wanted to go first but always ended up going last.  I hate waiting in long lines. And I sometimes spontaneously rush to get the things I want even though I was told to wait. 

I struggle with the verse.. I waited patiently for the Lord.  But I often find myself in that situation.  Learning to be patient isn't something that I enjoy but I'm slowly learning that you can find happiness and even contentment while in a time of waiting. 

So, when I find myself being inpatient, I pull out my jewelery from my mother in law and reminded how beautiful things come out of being patient.