Yard sales and coupons

I'm constantly reminded how good God has been to me and my family.

Not long after our daughter was born we really struggled financially.  We always lived within our means and didn't go out and buy things we didn't really need.  We didn't go on fancy vacations or drive expensive cars. We didn't live in a giant house.

My husband worked as a contractor at IBM and each year for three years they gave him a pay cut. We were told to just be grateful he still had a job and did what we could.

I was pretty financially savvy so I bought things from yard sales and thift stores.  I used coupons and bought items on sale. 

Sometimes I would gather up anything that we could sale at a yard sale just to have money for groceries that month.  We never asked anyone for help because no one really had the means to help us and we made due.

When we didn't have any savings or any extra money in the budget, I was struck with the notion we needed to give money to the church.  We truly served in our church and felt our tithing was that service. But God told us to give. Faithfully we gave and each time we received any increase in pay or bonus... We gave more.  It was hard but it was good.

Things really have changed over the years and I'm always humbly reminded how God provided for us and blessed us.  We're not living lavishly.  I still shop at yard sales and thrift store but not scrimping by... living paycheck to paycheck and on credit cards.

We continue to look for ways to give it back to God since it's he who provided it in the first place and it's he who got us through... With coupons and yard sales.

Chapters

It shouldn't amaze me that raising a teenage daughter is difficult... Most days it isn't and sometimes it's harder than giving birth to them.

My daughter has moments where she panics and allows anxiety to vester. She's terribly afraid that she's missing out on opportunities or is lacking in certain experiences.

She's plaqued with this fear that her whole life is determined by the here and now.  I can't fault her as I'm wired the same exact way at times.

In hindsight, I am able to see how my life had been broken out in chapters.  I know I haven't done a great job in some of those chapters.

Some chapters were very short.  Some very long and boring.  I'm enjoying my current one, but know even it will end at some point.

I would love for my daughter to see that her life can be a great adventure even just one chapter at a time.  The whole story isn't yet written...

JUST JESUS

Too often I tell myself that I JUST need to do XYZ and everything will be great.

If I run that marathon or climb that mountain or get that promotion…

My mind says “Just do it.”  

But as I get older I see that no matter what I do in my best efforts it’s never going to be  enough.

No mater how many things I accomplish that only thing that matters is ... JUST JESUS.

I am not able to do anything good it apart from him. 

I must live just like Jesus:  Loving others, forgiving sins and healing this broken world.

Reflecting on my life.. I am not living Just for Jesus. 

I am not loving others, forgiving or doing much to heal those around me. 

I need to constantly remind myself that I need to be closer to JUST JESUS.

He will continue to love me, forgive me and heal me…

He continues to remind me that he’s all we need. 

Just Jesus!

Regrets and opportunities

A friend recently asked me if I regretted leaving my former employment for my current... Having seen some of the major changes and disappointments.

In addition the recent acquisition that doesn't leave me with the confidence that my job responsibilities will get any better or even guaranteed a job in a year.

I honestly don't hate my job but it's so easy to be discouraged and left wondering... What did I do? 

I've never been one to have regrets and even with leaving a great job working with great people. I honestly said I didn't have any regrets.

I truly believe in God's work and his plans on my life.  I've learned a lot about what it means to trust him over the years and this is no different.

Over the past year, I've learned a lot about business and leadership and how people handle all sorts of ups and downs. 

I've also meet some really awesome people that have humbly reminded me how amazing our God is.  Even in the midst of the greatest storm they could ever face.  He's faithful.

So when I think of regrets and opportunities I know that God doesn't make mistakes and is always pointing us in the right direction... We just have to be paying attention.

Nobody

I have been in a funk for sometime now.. the Devil keeps telling me that I am not enough, I am not important, I will never measure up, and that I am nobody.   

I constantly struggled with feeling that I am suppose to be here for something … something bigger.  While on a run last week the song Nobody by Casting Crowns came on.

(I love how God speaks to me through music… especially while running.)

In the song Nobody the Chorus sings:

‘Cause I’m just a nobody

Trying to tell everybody

All about Somebody

Who saved my soul

…

I’m living for the world to See

Nobody but Jesus

I love that I am often humbly reminded it’s not about me… so I just need to tell the devil I’m nobody… but JESUS!

Legacy... How will they remember me.

My work has a work intranet that folks can post announcements, photos or random blog posts.  Last week a gentleman posted a blog entry about Milton Hershey and his legacy of Love. 

It was a nice tribute to on how Milton gave his wealth away and how he loved..

I was moved to post a comment that said:  The great thing about a legacy is we never quite know what it'll look like... and the only legacy worth having is one pointing back to Christ. 

It's so easy to be discouraged when you're not a wealthy successful business person who can financially give to great organizations.. but even just my short time here at I have gotten to see some legacies in action...  Then I highlighted a few people and how they are loving others.

I struggle with my legacy daily .. and I love how as I mature in Christ, I am starting to see that Jesus is the only legacy worth living for. 

 For too long, I have been trying to make a name for myself and chase dreams that I think will fulfill my time here. 

As I reach closer to 40, I am wondering how much of my life is pointing to Christ… and how much of my life is for my own legacy.

Gesso

As an occasional painter, I've been known to take an old painting and paint over it.

There's a product called white gesso and it's purpose is to prime a canvas for oil painting and pre-prime and old paintings to be used again.

It hides all the color that is under it but it doesnt hide the texture or previous strokes.

Often times in life we have to somewhat start all over again.  Perhaps it's restarting after a bad relationship, or a medical procedure that had left you different than before, or a job or career that hasn't really fulfilled you.  Most of the time we find ourselves wanting to cover up a major mistake.

Sometimes we wish life had a gesso option.  Something that could cover up everything that was there before.  A new start...

As for me, I know it's my sinful heart that longs for the whiteness and freshness of a new clean canvas.  One thing that often gives me great comfort is... Jesus is my gesso. 

He paid for my sins and his life makes me white again and covers my iniquities.  Much like the gesso coving up a old painting.  He covers it.  My scars are much like the texture of the paint.. still there but covered and healed.  I'm able to be new through him.

I'm ok with being pre-prime over and over again as long ... as it takes to become that masterpiece God has in store for me.  I'm his work of art and he is at work.

Building blocks

When I was a kid, I loved building things out of wooden blocks. 

Mostly I would build houses and lay down blocks to design floor plans.  I would lay out each room, then I would bring in with my little wooden people and have them occupy my creation.

Lately, I've been thinking about building people rather than building things out of blocks.

People can be just as fragile as my houses built out of kid blocks.  One easy brush and they fall down.  It's far too easy to year people down. 

I'm constantly looking at ways I can do the latter and build people up.  I challenge my (hot tempered) husband to do the same.  We both struggled with tearing people down rather than building them up.   It's too easy to tell your teenage daughter that she's not capable of doing something rather than inspiring her to reach for the stars.

When you think about the life of Jesus.. He always built people up (except for the hypocritical Pharisees... He tried to tear them down...) He healed, hung out and encouraged the broken lives around him daily. 

The next time you are in a situation to say something ugly or say something lovely.

  

Choose to build up...

On a mission

13 years ago... My husband and I were in the process of becoming overseas missionaries.  We were pretty far along in the process, approved by our mission agency, blessed by our elders, and waiting the call from missionaries in Latin America.

We knew we had many things to overcome to make it a reality but we were willing and able.  We never thought God was going to shut the door as far as he opened it.

Spring of 2006 - was the worst season of our lives.  When we heard the word "cancer" we crumbled.  We didn't know what to expect but we also found out we were "expecting."

Between having a baby, termites, job loss and cancer - we closed the door in great great sadness.

God used us in some pretty amazing ways but there has also been a small void in my life wondering what it would been like to serve him in the field. 

Almost every day of my life, I keep asking God ... "What am I supposed to be doing?"
Why does it feel like I'm failing at my calling.. whatever that may be. 

Deep down I know he's guiding me through but through each season and as I slowly get older and older... I'm left wondering what's my mission.  

Encouragement.. it's free

I've had some great people on my life who've really been there to encourage me when I needed it the most. There have also been times when I had no one really there encouraging.

When going through a trial or even just a season of disappointments it important to find people who help encourage you.  

However, it's almost more important to remember that you're also called to help build people up and encourage... Even when you yourself are feeling a bit down.

It doesn't cost anything to tell someone they're awesome or doing a great job or they are valued.   I'm sure most people feel unimportant, useless or redundant more often than they would like to admit. 

We're human and vulnerable. So be there reason someone smiles today... Might even make you feel pretty good yourself.

Trust but verify

What takes the longest to earn and the shortest to lose.. Trust.

I have always love Ronald Reagan's quote.. "Trust, but verify"

As I've gotten older I don't trust people all that much.  I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I've been lied to enough through the years that I don't typically take peoples word.  Part of me feels that even if what they are telling me is true then.. could change and be false later.

I've also seen first hand how trusting people often gets us hurt.. both physically and more so emotionally.

With my companies recent acquisition... I'm faced with this notion that I need to trust them when they say my job isn't in danger.  But in reality there is no guarantee that I'm safe or that my job is going to stay the same. 

Jesus spoke a lot about trusting as he knew we don't seem to do that very often or easily.

He tells us to put this trust in him... to take a step on the water.  Over and over again I hear Jesus whisper, "do you trust me?"  If I'm honest with myself.. I have a hard time trusting in him alone at times.  I always feel I need to "verify" it.  And in those moments... I sink.  Doubt and fear are terrible things.

I personally can't always see God's love and plans in a tangible way,  but the best thing about faith is... Knowing that even though I can't see what is true and what will happen...  God already verified it all.. through Christ. 

I use to be that...

Since my company recently got aquired, things have already started to change.

My current boss told me that each Monday I have to email my daily banking to three corporate employees.

Naturally, I googled them to see who exactly I will be communicating with.

One is the CFO, one the project finance director and the last one the director of finance.  

There was a sad moment when I really honestly thought to myself.  "I use to be a director of finance and now I'm just a plan accountant." 

I hate those "just a" moments.  It's that brief moment when we believe the lies of the world.  Lies that tell us we're nobody or meaningless. 

If I'm honest with myself.. I struggle with those more than anything.  Being something or somebody. 

My husband tells me I struggle with this, because of my childhood and being constantly told I wasn't smart enough or good enough by by family.  Somehow in my subconscious mind I honestly don't feel important and I have to prove something to the world.

It's amazing what Satan uses as a foothold.  Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that ..

we use to be lost
we use to be broken
and we use to be dead..

but in Christ we are none of those things and we are something better now.

I just need to sometimes remind myself..

Sure, I used to be that... But now I'm so more than that.

Being a UNICORN

Fill in the blank.  I recently started filling out applications for my MBA.

One of the things that surprised me was that all the applications had two special questions.  One was what is your gender with a drop down box: male or female.  Then they have a blank text field for what you freely identity what you feel is your gender identification.

I felt like filling out "I am a unicorn."

Our society has decided we can't label anyone and to be P.C. we have to allow people to be have the ability to choose who or what we want to be.

Often we make tragic mistakes thinking that things or people can develop our identity.

I would love to be a magical unicorn but without the use of drugs, I will never be able to fly through the stars delivering the rainbow all around the world.  So for now I will just be me..  

 I don't really struggle with my identity because I already gave it placed it in the best hands.  Perhaps I should right in the blank box:  2 Corinthians 5:17

Why I don’t hate being an accountant.

When I was a child I didn’t want to be an accountant.  I wanted to be an architect. 

The problem was, I wasn’t the best student and frankly I was terrible at math.  Yes, terrible at math.  But … I’m an accountant.  Yep.  I joke with people that I don’t love numbers until you put the Dollar sign in front of them. Then I’m interested.

Even at an early age, I was an entrepreneur.   I had my first job at 12 and my summers consisted of picking and selling vegetables at a local farmer stand in Western PA and delivering the Butler Eagle to about 35 families.  I worked because – I wanted money.  I loved money. 

In High school, I had two part-time jobs dishwashing and general contracting / commercial construction laborer.  When I graduated I decided to take a gap year and work for Habitat for Humanity International as an AmeriCrorps member.   I loved construction and after all I did want to be an architect.  Why not build the houses before designing them?  I did residential construction for a year and half and decided I didn’t love building them after all. 

I started off as an Administrative Assistant and worked my way up to an office manager.  Then changed jobs and became and Accounting Assistant and worked my way up to Director of Finance.  I wasn’t the world’s greatest Accountant… but I worked hard, built relationships and put myself through college while working and raising a family.  I was successful – because I was determined.  Did I love what I did… well not really but I was decent at it.  

When people meet me, they are always shocked that I am an accountant as I don’t fit that mold all that well.  I say that I would like to create a club called the Extroverted Accountants – but I would probably be the only member.    I don't hate being an accountant, but I am starting to hate money. 

It’s interesting how life unfolds… many people don’t end up in their dream jobs or even remotely know what those are.  I am starting to think my dream job is retirement, but that’s long ways off.  I joke that I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up… I just know that we are called to evolve and grow and do whatever it is the Lord puts before you. 

Cog in the wheel

I wrote this blog title a few days ago.  No content just the title. 

Then I found out today our small/mid size company is being aquired by a big company.

My work life has been rather stressful lately and now things are starting to make sense why they are. I'm not sure what's really going to happen over the next few months or year.  So many uncertainties.

For every company I've ever worked for I always feel like just a cog in the wheel.

Minor... But necessary.

I've never played a major role in any of the  companies I've worked for and I have never been part of any major decisions.. just a simple little cog.

Now as we all brace ourselves for a big change, with many uncertainties. I certainly don't fear change as I'm all about growing and developing. 

If I'm honest this confirms a lot of things that I needed at this time in my life.

When I really reflect on this I believe realize, we are all cog's in God's kingdom.

Jesus told us we are all part of the body.  We all have different gifts and talents.  We may at times feel so minor.. but we're highly necessary.

God has a plan and purpose for all things and even when I begin to feel so minor I'm humbly reminded of his goodness.

Bulletproof

Just listen to the song Titanium (feat. Sia) by David Guetta.

It's a great techno song (next time you hear it try to listen just to the music.) Yet it does have some fun lyrics.

The line that sticks with me: "I'm bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away.."

Even though he's fictional, It makes me think of Superman.. being actually bulletproof. 

I think of classic Superman comic of people shooting at him.  It makes Superman strong by just standing there taking everything that comes at him.

We may not shoot people with actual bullets but we do with our words and our hatred. I am reminded that there is so many people out there who are really trying to be bulletproof and not let these things hurt them so much.  However, I am pretty sure no one really can deflect everything thrown their way.  

  

Wouldn't it be great if we could be completely like Superman all the time.  Standing firm - Bulletproof!

What's a matter with you?

Last night I had another one of those "woe is me" conversation with my husband.  I know he just loves when I throw myself a pity-party.

They always stem from major stress or frustration.  Something going on in my life that I just can't control.

I know that my goal is to give all of that to God.  He's good.  He's faithful. 

But I can't seem to shake something's off.  Last night's conversation was around my favorite topic.. My job.

My husband tells me I focus too much on titles and money.  Hard not to do when you're in accounting.   He told me that what I make financially is how I measure success.

There is some truth to that, I'll admit. 

But as I read some different articles this morning, I realized that it's not about my title or how much money I make.. It's all about mattering. 

Woman (Maybe it's just me) are wired to want to mean something, have an influence, add value.. to matter.

What seems to be my biggest and current struggle is I don't feel like I make a difference or I'm not really living out my purpose.  One could say that's a spirit from God.. while others could say that's the devil on my back.

It's a struggle to balance it.  Am I meant for greater things or am I just supposed to live a quiet humble life...  Simple living and loving.

I don't have grand desire to rule the world or even travel it.. but I do have something telling me: I need to do more than what I'm currently doing. 

I just have to wait and see what that involves.

I know that we're all called to live for the Lord and that's really all that matters...

Can't rain all the time

It's been an unusual rainy summer this year.

I've never minded the rain.  I usually like a good summer thunderstorms every now and again. 

I was recently thinking about how our spiritual lives can really mimic the weather. 

Sometimes we shine so bright much like a warm spring or summer day. We live out our faith with bold colors and a cheerful simile.

Sometimes we just want to stay bundled up trying to warm like a chilly winter day.

Sometimes we go through blizzards, tornados or even hurricanes.  Everything is off, we can't seem to get out of a trial or tribulation.

And then there's just all the rainy days.  We know that the rain is critical in the plant cycle but at times we're tired of being wet and soggy.

God uses weather analogies throughout scripture, as he is the creator of it all.  Noah, Moses, Jonah etc... all had difficulties with weather.  He uses water just as often.  

Jesus was able to walk on water and tell the storm to stop... By telling it to hush

I know it can't rain all the time but sometimes no matter how many times we tell the storm to hush it's just keeps storming ...

Turning 39...

Yep next month I turn 39 and I have been reflecting a lot about my life, my accomplishments and the things I haven't done yet.  

Since I am a type A person.. everything has to have a purpose or goal.  So before I turn the big 4-0.. there are quite a few things I want to do.  

What better way to celebrate such a milestone than to make a bucket list of sorts...  I will post the official list on my 39th birthday so stay tuned. 

If you have suggestions put them in the comments.   

Whispers of the World...

Every now and then I have to pause and really remind myself that the whispers of the world are wrong!

It's those times when I start to get a little depressed for no reason, when I start to compare my life to the life of others, when I wonder why I am wasting my talents and missing out on the things I really enjoy.

This world is constantly whispering in my ear...

… what are you trying to prove?  … you can’t, and you won’t be anything special.

It’s true that even in our best efforts we will never be perfect.  We can study, practice or devote more time to becoming better at something or even special in some unique way but we’ll never truly succeed.  Our shallow motives drive our attention and we always become consumed with idea that we need to prove our worth our value or simply the fact that we mean something.  I often find myself believing the lies that no matter what I do I will never be smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough.  But the true is I may never accomplish anything super spectacular or make a huge impact on the world, but I will always be special to God. 

... why do you bother when no one really cares about you?  … no body really loves you. 
It’s very easy to fall into the self sorry pit and believe that no one loves you especially if you're an emotional women. We have a tendency to put everyone first in our lives.  We're mothers and wives who never say no and often times ask ourselves if anyone even notices our sacrifices.  (Even more so with teenagers...)  I don't mind loving my family but when it comes to being loved back, sometimes we don't feel it as much as we give it.  But God is constantly teaching me to love others unconditionally ... not expecting anything in return and the world keeps telling me at times .. that's not right and that's not fair.  I have to remind myself that human love will never fulfill me completely  and is often fading but God's love is eternal.  He will love me regardless of what I bring and will never stop. 

Sometimes we have to tell the whispers to be quiet.  Sometimes we have to scream at the whispers to be quiet and sometimes we just need to turn the music up and drown them out.  It's not easy but if we stay grounded in God's love and faithfulness ... we can often remind ourselves that the  whispers are lies and aren't true.

Google Music... The Millennial Mixtape .. What?

This week has been one of those weeks I've needed to put in the ear buds and tune out the world... 

I have a lot of Google music radio stations saved... something for every mood.

  Music from the 90s, 80s, U2, REM, Jazz, Techno, Christian Pop Rock, David Crowder... so forth

But today I was looking for something different and I found the Millennial Mixtape. 

First, I found it funny because do any Millennial actually know what a mix tape is?

Then I clicked it .. and Nirvana came on... What ??  Millennial's know Nirvana?  I can't seem to think a bunch of 10 year old was listening to Kurt Cobain in the early 90s... 

Funny how music is classified these days 90's grunge = Millennial Mixtape. 

Demolition or Escalation

I was thinking back on my life of the different types of people there are in the world.  

   Those that are introvert and Those that are extroverts
   Those that are optimist and Those that are pessimist
   Those that are givers and Those that are takers
   Those that agreeable and Those that are disagreeable
   Those that build up and Those that tear down

I often reflect on what type of person am I .. Sometimes I feel pessimist and sometimes I feel optimist.  Sometimes I give a lot and sometimes I take a lot.  Sometimes I build up others and unfortunately sometimes I tear others down.  

No one is perfect but it's import to recognize what type of person you are ... what type of person you would like to be and what type of person you tend to hang around. 

I have found myself cutting people out of my life that tend to just tear me down.  They don't really celebrate my accomplishments or joys with me ... but rather point out the times I've failed or wasn't good enough.  
   
I want to be around people who build you up... rather than tear you down.  But more importantly I want to be mindful of encouraging others were they are in life and hopefully I will do more building than demolition.  

Just remember everyone is under construction and sometimes we need to do a little renovation in our lives... thankful we have a great carpenter!

AP..P yeah you know me..

My Sophomore daughter is convinced that the only real way to get into college these days is to overwhelm herself with ton's of AP classes and having a GPA of 4.5... because her current 4.0 GPA isn't good enough.  

But high school guidance counselors convince freshman and sophomores they won't get into college at all, if they don't take these AP classes or have 4.5 GPAs.  My daughter seems to believe that her high school education is highly pivotal to future successes and college acceptance.  

Over and over again we try to tell our children to work hard and do their best but to enjoy and live life.  

Last night my husband told our daughter about a women who went to his high school.  She was tried and true an academic, was the highest ranked in her class,  with the best GPA ... maybe she was even class valedictorian (and yes I had to spell check that.) She worked so hard in school and gave up a lot of the fun/social things, because she was going to have a future that was going to be most spectacular.  However... (you knew this was coming..)  less than a year after high school she was in an accident that made her a paraplegic. Everything she striven for was gone.  We grieve when something bad happens to someone who seemed to have it all together and then something tragic happens.  It's not uncommon.  

At the end of each day, what's most important in life?  We should have healthy dreams and goals for ourselves...and I do believe in higher education.  Yet as I've gotten older I've grown to realize that life is way too short... stressful (enough).. and without guarantees.  

So my daughter will most likely still take a bunch of AP classes, but hopefully she realizes that education (yes is important) may open some doors, experiencing life will never be learned in a book or classroom... and you should never put your life on hold or allow high school guidance counselors to dictate your future.  


P.S.  I didn't take a single AP class in high school and I had to google what AP stands for (which is Advanced Placement)  When I did go to college (after a short gap) I graduated Magna Cum Laude with a double major in Business Administration and Accounting... I also had a really great time in High School with very little stress!   

Childhood Bullies...

Both of my children are pretty great kids.  (Thanks be to God.. he made them!)
They are intelligent, kind, compassionate and loving... but even still they both have had run ins with bullies over the years.   Bullying isn't really anything new... it dates backs to the beginning of human beings.  I am sure each of us can all think of someone who was or is a bully.  Someone who abuses their power or takes advantage of others.

I have been pretty good at kissing scraped knees over the years .. but when it comes to scraped hearts...  It's been so much harder.  My husband and I often say to each other "man, kids can just be so mean..."

As parents we want to protect the innocence or our children but also not shield them from the world.  We don't want them exposed to unnecessary torment even still teaching them to rise above the sinful hearts of others.  It's a very hard balance to turn the check but also not be so naive and let people take advantage of you.

Somethings we've learned:
   Words hurt sometimes more than scraped knees
   It's ok to be non-confrontational and walk away from people
   Real friends won't be good weather friends.  Sometimes friends will come and go and that's ok
   Making a bigger deal out of it... sometimes is worse than what it was from the get-go
   Everyone is a child of God ... even bullies

I wish I could say I've done great parenting job in the area.. but if I am truthful - I haven't.  I need to often remind myself of the things I know.. God is good and no matter what struggles we go through he's there to pick us up.