Losing a loved one...

Recently someone I adore lost a loved one.  Her husband.  Suddenly and Tragically. 

Just months prior to that a co-worker of mine lost his 5 year old son.  Suddenly and Tragically.  

At times, I can't even imagine the pain and sadness.  

Sometimes all we can do is grieve.  We know that grieving is all part of the design of this world.  It's normal, it's emotional and it's personal.  We know that it's good to grieve and we know that even Jesus did so.  

Our human brains can't really put the pieces all together ... not fully... the reason that things happen aren't ours to control or even understand at times.  

Why do people suffer?  Why does losing a love one hurt so much?  Why can't we make it all ok sometimes?  

Losing a love one.. really makes us lean on God and the realization that this place isn't eternal.  

Oh so easier said than done.. yes I know this but I have such great hope in the Lord.  He is faithful until the end.  

So when all I can do is grieve - I want to be constantly reminded of Jesus - he's been there and done that.  

True Colors and Trolls

One random afternoon,
I decided to watch Trolls on Netflix... and no my kids weren't around.  

The story line was ok (about happiness) and it reminded me a lot like the Smurfs!!

I could help but love the part when the Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick sang one of my favorite songs of all time (True Colors by Cyndi Lauper) 

The one little optimist troll finally gave up and became all dull looking... She was previous bright pink.  She was totally down.  

Then the little dull troll pessimist (who was in love with the bright one the whole movie) started singing "True Colors" to her. 

   "The darkness  inside you can make you feel so small..." 

"I see your true colors and that's why I love you..." 

Then she magically gets her color back and then starts singing to him and he becomes all colorful.  Wow.  I think it made me cry!

 "This world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear... call me up because you know I'll be there!" 

Sometimes we all need someone to sing and remind us of our TRUE COLORS!   
So don't be afraid to let them show...  

What’s going on inside of me?

Today is my birthday!

And exactly Twenty years ago to this day, I packed up my life and moved from a small Pennsylvania town to Americus, Georgia.  

Since College wasn’t something anyone thought I should consider right out of high school, I had signed up to be a Habitat*AmeriCorps volunteer.    I had a huge heart for Habitat and I wanted to give people a simple decent home.  But more Importantly I was set off to change the world.   

I was a naive 18-year-old and God use that to shape and mold me.   So here I am 20 years later wondering what happened to that simple Yankee girl who… had big dreams and big ambitions to make the world a better place.    

I have a pretty great life.  But I didn’t think I would end up here… a wife, a mom, an accountant… I am truly grateful for my life but sometimes I wonder what’s going on inside of me?  What’s my purpose and what’s Gods big plan because most days I am just winging it.   Most days I am wondering where did my motivation and servant heart go.  Why do we lose some of that youthfulness and passion as we get older?

Thankfully I know that God’s not finished with me yet.  My race is underway and I may not always  feel like I have the motivation or strength but I know I can keep going because of his faithfulness..

I am humbled and reminded that I always wanted to be BOLD, be STRONG, be FEARLESS and to GIVE without end.  So as I celebrate another day of life God has given me … I  thank him for it all... and ask for that boldness, strength and heart much like the one I had 20 years ago.  

Discontented

Too often, I fail to comprehend the splendor of what I have. 

I've been trying to figure out why I take so many things for granted and how to really just be content.

I'm not alone in this struggle.  We live in a world that is constantly telling us to buy more, do more, and to want more.

I've been struggling with how let go of the everyday annoyance that keep me from enjoying the simple things.

Recently while traveling, I asked myself "Why I'm always in a hurry to get there?" "Why don't I have time to stop and take a photo of the sunset or an old building that makes me smile." "Why don't I just enjoy the journey."

I'm always in a rush because I want to get to my destination.  I don't stop and admire life and I am always telling myself ' you can enjoy that later in life.'

As I get older I'm seeing th at I've become more content in certain areas but I have a long way to go in others.

We must live wanting less... In a world that tells us we must want more.

I know I must slow down and learn to be content in the small moments... Just need to keep reminding myself to do so.

Summer Traditions

As a working mother, it is very hard when it comes to summer and kids being out of school.  There is a sense of "mom- guilt" we have by putting our kids in summer camps all summer while you go off to work.  They always love the adventures they have, but there is a void ... that you didn't get to be with them.

I have always made a big deal with creating summer traditions for our family to do together.  We have made a Buck Family Summer Bucket List for quite a few years now.  Our list always included fun - inexpensive things to do as a family.  Backyard Movie marathons, building sheet fortress and sleeping out in it, or playing laser tag in the dark (yes we have our own laser tag guns.)

Some of  things we did one summer have become a new family tradition that goes on every summer bucket list.  A couple of those include the Annual Buck family Watermelon eating contest, going to Jordan Lake for stargazing, and the annual summer Mohawk that my son gets.

  
As Gideon (currently age 10)  has gotten older, he's grown to love his summer Mohawk and he wears it well.  I am not sure when he gets into middle school/ high school if he'll continue this tradition but for now he does and it makes summers just a little more fun for him!

~ Does your family have any summer traditions?

Wonder Woman Review

Disclaimer: I am no movie expert.  I am no comic book expert.  I will not give away spoilers.   This review is just your average (wonderful) woman watching another (wonderful) comic book movie.

We all have watched DC try to make a movie as good as Marvel, and frankly we are getting a little time of Marvel making so many movies, so it's great when DC has a hit ... and Wonder Woman was it!

Let's just get it out there.. yes  Gal Gadot is HOT and having arrived to the acting gig from modeling not all that long ago, she's got great potential.  I loved her facial expressions, body language and heart throughout the movie.

Diane Prince gets to experience all of what life is... and isn't.  She see's war, hated, heroism and love.  She becomes Wonder Woman in this movie... he beginning story.

Her charterer is strong, independent, charismatic and loving... all the things I aspire daily to be.  (I wouldn't mind looking like her either...)

As a woman, I highly enjoyed seeing a Female LEAD Comic book movie...with  war, hated, heroism and most importantly love.   I feel like they've tried to make good female superheros but always failed.

I can't recall having seen a good FEMALE lead movie by either Marvel and DC before.   I WONDER why it's taken so long ...

Motherhood Reminders..

I became a mom, around the time most of my friends were graduating college and living it up as young singles do.

I never visioned getting married at 20 or starting a young family shortly after. 
I certainly didn't have anything figured out but quickly learned what was most important.

Being a mom has taught me...

   -To laugh and be silly.  It's important to maintain a sense of humor.  Play dress up. Watch Cartoons. Dance crazy. Make mud pies.. and so forth.  Time is so short and before you know it.. you have a high school-er and almost middle school-er. 

  - To Embrace the mess.  The uncleaned house.  The dirty dishes.  The crazy wild bed head hair and the (endless) mounts of laundry just sitting in the corner.  No Mom has it figured out and you can't let life spills and mishaps bring you down.

  - To stop comparing yourself.  For both mom's and children.  The grass isn't greener.  Every child is different.  And every mom is different.  No kid is perfect and certainly no Mom is either. Be encouraged and not discouraged when others seem to have it all, because truth is they don't.

  - To love unconditionally.  A newborn child brings absolutely nothing to the relationship, rather than needing to eat, sleep and be changed... At all hours of the day.  But a mother has an unconditional love for the child, that even 10-15 (and probably way more) years later never fade. 

Motherhood is challenging and rewarding.  Some days it's both of those.  Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's really hard.   Some times you get a glimpse of God's great design and goodness.. through your smiling child.  

But being a mom is a great thing to be and I'm blessed.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something we all struggles​ with.  Self include​d.  I have the ability to recognize when someone should seek forgiveness but often don't have the ability to actually do it.

When I was 11 years old my uncle was murdered by a young 18 year old kid... because he was either jealous or simply didn't like my uncle.  The kid ended up getting aquitted of the charges since he had a good attorney.

That kids life was never the same and truth be told he ended up taking his own life only a few years later.   My family felt that Justice was served when that young man died.

But I'll never really know if my grandparents found forgiveness.

As humans we hold on to so much: Pain. Struggle.  Addiction.  Hurt.  Sadness. 
We don't forgive others because it's our way off remembering this bad things.  Unfortunately we believe that makes us stronger on the inside.

As we get ready to celebrate Easter.  I'm reminded so much about forgiveness.
Jesus' first words in the cross we're "forgive them father, for they no not what they do."

Jesus took and bore all our pain, suffering, punishment and in that moment we we're forgiven. 

I'm not a theologican or scholar.. just your average person...  Learning and struggling.  Trying to seek forgiveness when need and give it graciously even when it seems far from fair.

Who are the people you need to forgive?   Maybe a parent, sibling, friend, spouse or ex, a high school bully, or maybe a kid who killed your uncle?  Find forgiveness.

..and Forgive others just as Christ forgives you. 

GOD GIVEN PURPOSE

Spoiler alert... It's Jesus. 

I have joked around this comic stripe for years... God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things.  Right now I am so far behind I will NEVER die.  ~ Calvin

I continue to struggle with ... "My Purpose."  What are all those things God wants me to accomplish.  How am I doing?  Am I behind schedule?  Am I following the right path?  Doing the right things?  I tease and joke that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up ... because I am often uncertain what is my God given purpose...

Last night, I was reminded that our God given purpose is Jesus.  We are all called to follow his lead and love like him.  I often realize that when I am too busy complaining about the world around me, I am missing out the things he wants me to accomplish right now.  

Which is to shine his light and live a life that those who don't know him will want to know him because they know me. 

Jesus should be the only purpose I need.  Too often I am too busy chasing dreams of saving the world, when he's already done that.  Shame on me... but thankfully God's gentle reminders are always there to guide me back on his path and his PURPOSE.   #JESUS

I choose to be Happy

Have you ever met someone that seems to be always - HAPPY?  Those people who always see the good.  Always smiling and always full of life.   

Happy people are anomaly these days.  I was running around the park yesterday and not many people smiled or appeared to be happy.  People just looking at there phones, walking their dogs, running or listening to their music.  I guess I wasn't really all that surprised at most of the individuals I past, just trying to enjoy the beautify day or get through life.  But two people stood out to me during that run.  

The first was A young women.  She was my age or a even a bit younger and she was pushing a child in a handicap stroller.  The boy had to be around 4 years old. He had a hat and sunglasses on, no expression on his face, and was clearly paralyzed.  I passed her multiple times each time she had a worn out frown as she pushed the bulky stroller.  The first time I saw her I prayed: Lord, she clearly has so much going on in her life. How difficult her life appears to be. Give her strength. The second time I past her I prayed:  Lord be with her give her Peace.  Please bless her.  The 3rd time I echoed my first two prayers and I smiled at her. I didn't know about her situation or what she was going through but I knew that it was probably difficult and so I wanted to encourage her each time I past her so I prayed a sentence for her and I smiled. The last time I past her she looked at me and smiled back. A God moment... 

The second individual was a middle aged overweight man. He was maybe in his mid forties, balding and walking by himself.  I Running in the opposite direction as him with a pace three times he's speed, I past him often.  Each time he smiled at me.  He was about the only one who smiled every time. Maybe he was thinking to himself - what a good looking lady I was.  But I believe he was probably thinking.  I wish I could run and bit fit.  I prayed that he would keep going and that with each step he would feel better about himself and who he was and if he was trying to get in shape that he would. I didn't know his situation or anything about him but I wished him the most because he blessed me - with a simple smile. 

Often times, we don't know peoples situations and we assume. I did... about two strangers at the Park. Even though I don't know what they were thinking or the life they were living God knows their situations.  
  
I often forget to be happy.   Perhaps it's years of being around unhappy people.  Growing up in around a unhappy family.  Or it's just the fact that I don't feel like I deserve or should be happy when there is so much ugliness in the world. I wonder how many times people pass me in the park and I am not smiling or looking unhappy.

So even when life seems to be crazy and the run is hot and long... and smiling is the last thing on my mind.  I will do my best to choose Happiness.  Life is too short to not be.  #behappytoo  

Breaking up with my job

So I have been given a new opportunity and a new chapter in my book of life.   I am super excited about all the things I know God is teaching me and the ways he's rewarding me... but now I have to break up with my old job. 

After a decade of service ... It's been nothing short of a roller coaster of emotions over the past couple weeks.  They say that quitting your job can be as heartbreaking as ending a romance and is that ever true.  

I have fallen trapped into all the DON'TS.  Don't hold a grudge... Don't annoy your co-workers... Don't act like a short-timer...  My bad attitude over the past week and a half is not who I am and how I want to leave.   I have so many great memories and I find it strange that I am only remembering the bad ones.  

I kept saying I was just following the steps of grieving and I kind of got stuck in Anger.  I am typically not an angry person.  Or I always seem to be able to move on and let things go.  Just because I am sad or just disappointed doesn't mean I am not going to leave.  I am leaving.  At this point, nothing good will come from my disappointment or lack of fulfillment I have started to feel.  God is teaching me to end relationships well... not like a bad-romance breakup.  I deserve more and I am more ...  

So with only one more week ... five more days... I have decided to let it all go.  I will be meditating these great quotes this week... 

CHA.... CHA... CHA... CHANGES

Over the few past weeks (maybe even a few months) my live has seen a variety of changes that will be soon taking place.

After 13 years ... we recently left our church and last month have started settling into a new one.

After 10+ years of employment ...  I just have accepted a new job with a new company.

I have purged well over 2000 things in my home over the past two months in efforts to become less involved with things and more involved with life experiences.

I started blogging more and being more creative.  Painting and playing and reading and learning.
I have found myself cutting out the things in my life that don't really hold value and reducing my overall stress levels.

I have unplugged from many social media sites and plugged into prayer and reading more.  I started writing letters to old  friends and recently rekindled writing in a journal.

I feel God leading me in new ways ... teaching me new things and changing my old heart all over again.  It's nice and scary and I have often prayed to keep trusting HIM.

Change is so hard and so often we know that we want to or need to change.   I think of the Sheryl Crow song often:  A Change, A Change will do you good.  

Sometimes it take a painful situation to make us change.   Sometimes it's just discontentment.  Sometimes it just happens and we aren't really why or how it came to be.   I find the most comfort in knowing that no matter what changes occur in my life that I am willing and able because God is right there with me.   

What are some things you want to change in your life and what's keeping you from doing it?

True Colors...

I am relearning some old life lessons since putting in my resignation at work. 

Sadly, I have seen this with both friends from our formal church ... and once again with soon to be ex-work colleagues. 

 
I find it amazing how people can write "I am so happy for you" and "Oh you will be so missed" and then completely write you off as a person... almost as if you didn't even exist or your years of service and dedication meant nothing. 

Your friendship meant nothing.

Life can be cruel and I am reminded how broken we are as humans. I am constantly meditation on the fact that as a Christian I know that I am to be persecuted. 

 I imagine Christ felt abandoned from his friends and colleagues in the end... He already knew what Peter and Judas's true colors looked like. He knew and he washed their feet anyway.

This week, I am struggling with this. I want to rise above my hurt feelings and show up like Christ. Because the end of Christ was the beginning for us all and I want to be more. I want my true colors to shine through... even when it's the hardest.

A Red Sweater and Blue Sneakers

Growing up a little North of Pittsburgh ... Mister Rogers Neighborhood was a staple in my childhood. In a world of Make-Believe an important life lesson was ingrained in my soul. To play, to be creative, and to always explore and feed your imagination.

Albert Einstein said that imagination was more important then knowledge.  These are words I live by ... So even as a grown up I always make time for play.

I ride bikes with my kids.  I play minecraft with my son.  I paint, color and draw.   We play board games as a family and we take fun family vacations as often as possible.   We value and make sure our kids know that it's important to keep PLAY in their lives.  

We live in a culture it tells us we don't have time to play and that only those willing to make sacrifices will be successful.  Even schools have tried to cut out more and more play.  We're teaching our children and jeopardizing they're brilliant and beautiful minds by not allowing them to keep their playful nature.  

As a kid I always wondered why Mister Rogers came in and put on a sweater and sneakers rather than keep on his fancy dress shoes and suit coat.  Sometimes it's important to take off who we are for just a moment and enter a land of make believe, a place of play that is full of fun and joy.  A little way to relive stress, explore, engage our inner child.  

If you think of your best memories I bet there was a lot of play involved.  So today's challenge is to play a little more!

Unplugged is the way to go

I have been without Facebook for 6 months now and I can honestly say I don't really miss it all that much. 

Occasionally when I am bored I go to open my web browser  on my phone,  I pause, then I close it and smile.   

It takes me only a minute to get over the fact that I can't check in on friends and family but overall its been really good and I am eager to see how long I can stay disconnected.  

Since then I deleted Twitter and Linked as well.  I DO have my Instagram and my blog (of course) and anyone else can send me an email.  

I'll admit, It's been pretty quiet but I have had more time to read some books, paint a few pictures.  I have blogged more.  I have played more games with my kids and a few other things.  

Unplugging is the way to go.  

Same Old... Day after Day

Sometimes as working adults, it seems like every day we wake up and do the same things time after time. 

Sometimes it even feels that we're almost reliving the same day over and over again until we get it right.  We get up, get breakfast, drive to work, work, eat lunch, work, drive home, eat dinner, watch tv, then go to bed.  

It's not that our lives are boring, it's just they are all set and planned.  I have always liked to take a page out of Bill Murray's Groundhogs day were everyday he does something completely different and crazy and wild.  I am constantly looking for ways grow and change and make sure I am not missing living a new and imaginative life - each day.  

Don't miss out because you're trying to fit in and 'just get by.'  Make each day different and more exciting than the last.  #happygroundhogsday

Old Man Look at my Life...

For many people who grew up in the small town of Saxonburg, Pennsylvania in the late 80s - 90s will recall what a vibrant and lively man, James N. Gordon truly was.  His wife Bonnie and he, ran the Famous SMPC Youth Group and opened their home and lives to so many.

Not only were the both so lively, outgoing and caring.. they were fun and made life way more interesting than what small town life sometimes offers.  They had kids piling in Sunday nights, Tuesday mornings, Thursday nights and Saturdays for special events or Habitat for Humanity Workdays.

Jim was a youth leader who had long hair and wore green sweater vest with ripped jeans.  He was a hippy - free-spirited kind of guy.  He loved the Beatles, him mom, and played the guitar.  Jim was different and that made him so cool to so many people (self included.)

During my years as a member of their youth group, I struggled with so many things.  Normal teenage things.   But their dedication and love raised me to become a strong independent women and much of my success in life is rooted in the things they taught me.

But as I reminisce now... all  the good and the bad, Jim Gordon, the most lively person I have ever gotten to know is slowly fading away battling Lou Garrett Disease.  Remember all those Ice Bucket Challenge folks a few years ago.. yeah that's the disease that all the money raised was/is suppose to help.

Jim is fading and that makes me sad to think about.  He was the special kind of guy that could always make you laugh.  Sometimes he was a jerk,  I called him that often, but aren't we all Jerks sometimes.   All and all, he was the kind of person that did his best to love Jesus but made sure you were have fun while doing it.

As I look back on his impact on me... I am blessed to have gotten a chance to pound nails with him,  smoke cigar, Play 24 hour games of softball, run beside,  sing, dance and most importantly punch during my wedding (while he married me..)   He's a bit of legend in his own kind of way and when his time comes to an end... the world will be a little bit less bright without him.   SO ... Today I say "To Jim.. May God be with you and Thank you for your impact in my life!"  

Don't Stop Dating...

A few months ago, I decided that I need to actively pursue to start dating my husband all over again.  Over the years we've made time for ourselves here and there but I knew it was a good time to make us a priority.  

There was nothing major going on in in our lives other than the day to day - kids - work - home things.  But after 17 years of marriage and now having children who were old enough to care for themselves for a few hours, I took the opportunity to plan a date-a-week with him. 

I recently scheduled the next few months worth and have them on both his and my calendars. Planed and ready.  

Last night, my son said to us "Why do you need to go on a date." (yes, a teachable moment.)   

We explained how it's important to keep your relationship a priority and how we enjoy spending time with each other.  

I have planned dates that cost very little money ... like a fire and wine in the backyard - to dates that are a little more expensive... dinner and dancing.  But its all worth it.  I have found that when we are actively pursuing each other we are less stressed, better connected and overall enjoying life more.  

So my challenge today is to date your spouse as often as you can.  

They say that ... breaking up is hard to do...

When you become an adult you have to make some extremely hard discussions that really kind of suck.  

Lucky for me, my life hasn't had too many of these really tough decisions that require a lot of prayer and oversight.

I recall one of those was the decision to put our dog down, who had cancer and was not well and most recently was deciding to leave our church community after 12 years.  

Yes, Breaking up is HARD to do.  12 years of service and dedication but a lot of hurt and frustration.  We gave our church the ability to pursue us and restore our relationship... but their efforts weren't timely and unsatisfactory.  

It was easy to decide to leave in our minds, but it was hard to actually decide to leave in our hearts.  We prayed about it and I read many blogs, articles and scriptures about 'when to leave' and 'why to leave'... and in the In the summer we made the jump and started visiting other churches. 

It was weird and different. As a family we knew we wanted to find something that fit all/most of our needs, which was evolving as our children are growing up.  As mature Christians we didn't think it would be hard, but it was.  

We visited some churches once and some for quite a few weeks.  We enjoyed some of the churches music and some churches their message.  We found some churches highly community driven and others not so much.  We found some churches extremely friendly and others who didn't even notice we were there.  We went to big ones and small ones.  Some Affiliated and others Unaffiliated - non denominational.   

It's a strange time for us ... to not be as plugged in to a church family as we once were.  It's hard that we kind of lost many of our friends through leaving our church and the feeling of being rejected once again.  

But I am reminded in Christ ... That this world isn't going to love us as much as he does.  We are going to be rejected (over and over again) and that doesn't define who we are in him.  

I  thought I have made peace and have given forgiveness to the whole fall out.  I thought that was all I needed to do.  This weekend I was reminded about anger and forgiveness... through grace and hope... I am now... going to forget about it.   

Smoothie ... not so smooth

The problem I have found with making my own smoothies is no matter how well I blend it ... I still end up with some green kale or spinach stuck in my teeth. 

I will be in conversation with someone at work, then causally use the restroom and while washing my hands I smile.  There it is.  Some strange green thing stuck in between tooth 11 and 12.  

I shake my head and say to myself  "Wow that's totally embarrassing."   Then I go find my floss that I keep in my desk drawer and make my dentist proud.  

In that moment of modification you think to yourself.  They will never forget how ghastly I must have looked.  You honestly believe that no one has ever had anything else stuck in their teeth and if you someone had walked by they would have video taped it and been an instant youtube star by how silly you looked.  

Right, yeah... not really.  We are all awkward at many moments of our lives.  We say stupid things, do stupid things, wear stupid things.  It doesn't matter if we're 2 or 60... life can be tricky and we should never find shame in those awkward smoothie mishaps.  

My constant rant to my daughter at the end of the day most people won't really remember or care about having green kale stuck in your teeth.  This world is so distracting and most of thing things we think are important really aren't. 

So next time you see someone who has kale stuck in their teeth, smile and politely say 'hey you have something in your teeth and I want you to know because it happens to me all the time and I always like when people tell me.'  

Most people will appreciate your honestly, some may still be embarrassed but overall I have found people can laugh about it and shake it off... kind of like a smoothie.  

Planning vs. Procrastination

It never ceases to amaze me how different my husband and I are.  

One of us is the SUPER planner - makes lists, plans ahead, constantly looks towards the future, comes up with strategies and game plans, makes sure the event or task is completed,  makes more goals, tries to get things done as quickly as possible.  This person has the calendars color coordinated and meals planned for the whole month.  Yep that's me.  

My husband on the other hand has no real motivation to get things done on a timely manner what so ever.  He blogged that he does better with a more tightly  time table. He blames it on the fact that he can't make decisions and therefore when you're under pressure you have to make the decision.   He owns up to his procrastination and is trying to get better. 

Even though we have our many differences we balance each other out nicely.  I am clearly and extrovert whereas, he is completely an introvert.  

But I found that even though we are both different in how we execute things ... we both can feel super stressed.  I start to get overwhelmed even sad when I don't have something planned.  When the vacation I planned for 6 months is over and I have nothing more to plan or do.  The other issue with trying to always be on the go (other than getting burned out) is getting bored and easily distracted.  

My husband on the other hand gets stressed out when he's waited to the last minute and there are problems in completing the task.  Things he didn't factor in to the equation and the little things that no one could've really seen.  He knows often times if he started the task a little sooner he would have the time to work out all those bugs.  He always seems to have the 'bugs' too.  

So together we try and figure out good balances of doing things NOW and LATER.  I need to be more spontaneous and my husband needs to be a bit more organized...  We'll get there.  

All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust

Sometimes when I meet one of my daughters teenage friends, I ask them "what do you want to be when you grow up... because I am still looking for ideas." 

It's true I have what appears to a grown up life.  I have a spouse and kids.  I have a job.  I pay taxes. I have a student loan and a mortgage payment.  I vote and I drive around.  Most days I look like a pretty normal grown-up.  

But the true is, I don't want to grow up fully.  I don't want to have to 'clean up' after myself and be completely self-sufficient and thankfully I don't have to be. Jesus said, unless you are converted and become like children you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. 

We often times get to concerned with looking onward at the next great adventure but we forget to really live. We go through the motions and before we know it life has past us by. Peter Pan is one of my favorite Disney characters because he never misses a moment to live. He lives for adventure. Granted he doesn't really live in reality but he sure does like to have fun. Life does have to be balanced but life needs child-like faith and jollification (what a fun word.) 

So as a semi-grown-up - my challenge today is to look for adventures, don't rush on to the next things, slow down, don't try to grow up too fast - and just enjoy where you are right now.  

What are you afraid of?

It's Friday the 13th a day in which urban legends come out and people become a little bit superstitious or a little more frightful.   

I remember in the late 90s - early 2000s playing Friday the 13th on the Sega Genesis.... 
All was fine in the day light as you walked around the campground and sometimes you had to get in the boat to go across the lake to the other side. 

Life was good... The children were safe.  Then it started to get dark... your Children numbers started dropping, and you had to go find what was taking the children and you knew what was taking them. 

You now had to search each of the cabins and in the darkeness even though you expected it at every turn Boom there was JASON and you just said holy S#@T  and screamed a bit in terror.  

You took your little rock and threw it at Jason and did your best to dodge the knife as he slashed at you.   Sometimes you defeated him, Sometimes he killed you.  Sometimes he ran away or sometimes you ran away.  But If you ran away he always chased you outside..  

It was a bit terrifying as a kid and yet you continued to play the game because it was fun and entertaining.  We learned that a little bit of fear can bring out something extraordinary.  Sometimes when we're afraid we grow stronger.  Sometimes we just want to hit under the bed and wait for the big bad to go away.   But facing a beast such as JASON with a little rock really did make you feel like David facing Goliath.  

As I've gotten older scary movies aren't entertaining to me anymore  (not that I ever really recall being a huge fan of them.)  But between the blood and gore.. it's too real in life.  I have had family members and friends murdered and it doesn't entertain me to watch it in a movie or on tv.    

But as I think of today being Friday the 13th ... one of the scariest days of the year.  Think about thing things that make you fearful. 

Ask yourself...  What am I afraid of?  

Operation... Contentment

This morning I was praying about Contentment (once again) ... I know this is something that I struggle with as most people in the modern world do.  I have tried to read many books on how to stay content or no long for things that I don't really need. 

It's like watching HGTV and seeing all the beautiful homes and remodeling and decorating that is done in just a simple 45 minutes.  How does Chip and Joanna make it look that easy.  They have a beautiful life and sometimes I get caught up in the: I wish I had that...  OK maybe it's more often than I would like to admit.  

But God doesn't have that life/plan for me and even if I have the same gifts of decorating or remodeling, right now he has me right were I am suppose to be. 

Most of the time, I can snap out of those "I WISH..." moments other times I struggle.   I know it's usually a heart issue rather than a 'thing' issue.  

I thought I had contentment all figured out until I was in prayer this morning.  Scripture is clear that we are to not chase after worldly things and that godliness with contentment is a great gain. 

God wants us to be satisfied with the THINGS we have. We shouldn't long for money, or sex, or food, or power, or stuff, or title, or prestige... but we should long for Love, for Peace, For faith...  

Most days I am content with were I am in my walk of faith.   I am not bitter, I am not angry, but I am also not really growing.  God is constantly wanting us to change in ways we sometimes can't fathom.  Because honestly we've taken notes that say "I am content in this one place of my life... my faith." Sometimes I think he wants us to be more disciplined but also innovative.  

Sometimes I need to purge thoughts of going on a fancy vacation because I know God wants me to support international missions.  

Sometimes I need to purge the thought of having a bigger and better house because God allowed me to be part of Habitat for Humanity and I so value it's principles.  

Sometimes I need to get out of my bed and go walk with Lord rather than sleep a little longer in my warm cozy bed. 

Sometimes I need to put down Minecraft or shut off Netflix and pick up my bible or read a devotional with my kids.  

It's hard to be disciplined ... each day I am learning a little more about what Life is all about.   

I will still struggle with the "gimmes" and I need to constantly be reminded that the things of this world come and go.  But I can no longer be content with the kind of person I am most days.  Unloving and Unlovable and too comfortable to change the things I really would like to change... my heart.   

Everything Must Go

So I am reading this book on Prayer and it mentioned something I never quite heard or thought of before. 

The subtitle of the section was: Garage Sale and for a moment I was excited.  I love Garage Sales.  I love finding deals and going through other peoples 'junk.' 

But it wasn't about finding lost treasures... rather it stated that every now and then we need to have SPIRITUAL Garage Sales for over-selves. 

At that moment, my mind was blown.  Truly. 

Too often we keep hold of things that we really shouldn't be holding on to anymore.  Not just fully spiritual / religious things but things things that aren't making us any better.  

Like the dusty treadmills we keep around in the event we are determined to get back in shape ...  we hold on to resentment from someone that hurt us 20 years ago.  We don't forgive.

We keep the broken blender because who knows we may someday get the skills or abilities to fix it ... we are plagued with all the times we didn't complete the task or failed.  We don't accept things. 

We too often hang on to anger, greed, resentment, fear or whatever else that is holding us back.  There are a lot of things I need give over to God...

I think this year I am going to have one heck of a spiritual garage sale.   

Why can't we be friends

Very recently I found out that a friend of mine lied to me about something.  I gathered that she didn't want to hurt my feelings about it, so perhaps she just thought a little white lie wouldn't matter and spare my feelings.  But after hearing the truth from another friend, it got me thinking about our friendship.  

What does it say about your friendship that you're willing to tell one friend the truth and another friend a white lie, which last time I checked was a ... lie.  Now I could certainly go to said friend and inquire the truth and seek some sort of reconciliation but it comes back to the fact that person is an untrustworthy friend.  

I am sure that we all have different things that are deal breakers in our relationships.  But what should be the qualities of a good friend?  I continually try to share traits/qualities I believe are worthy with my teenage daughter.  This is something that can be difficult at the moody ages of 14-15 years old.  

She had a very good friend text her not that long ago that she didn't want to be friends anymore.  The girl was upset with something my daughter did and just decided that instead of going to her and telling her the truth or the reason she was upset, that a text breaking up was a better solution. This didn't bode well at all with my daughter.  

I think we're getting lazy in our relationships.  Rather than speaking truth that can be painful we would rather tell a white lie or simply just abort the relationship.  

So what I have concluded is that if the friendship is really worth it... try to save it.  Make a best effort to go to that person for reconciliation.  However, if the person isn't really someone what brings joy or makes you want to be a better person... don't.   Don't try and sugar coat a relationship that perhaps just ins't meant to be. 

Friends come and sadly sometimes go.  Some are around for a paragraph in your life book and others might be around for many chapters.