She's not 39... Anymore...

Over 20 years ago when I was in high school, my youth group leader Bonnie was turning 40.

Jim (her husband) and I rewrote the lyrics to I can't cry anymore by Sheryl Crow and sang "She's not 39 anymore..."

Funny how I somewhat forgot about that and now... Soon I'll be singing that myself.

I don't quiet recall at the age of 16 where I wanted to be when I turned forty but I'm pretty sure I wanted to be much like Bonnie.

She was a pretty epic person and considering I didn't deserve her love she gave it so freely.

I've been reflecting alot on the person I was then and the person I am today. I'm amazed where and how I traveled and the journey in which God lead me. I often wondering, where did the days and years go?

I'm not sure I really recall what my 16 year old self would be at   at my  16 year would be at age 40. l daughter look a lot at my daughter and an reminded of the youthfulness and sence of adventure. 

Turing 40 is strange and so real but one things for sure I won't be 39 anymore.

Unfinished

I start a lot of painting that get pretty far along and then something happens and they remain unfinished.

There's usually a good explanation as to why I don't finish it..

It's almost as I lose interest or lose the desire to finish it.  Perhaps I'm just afraid I'll mess it up, as there have been times I keep painting and then things went sideways and I ruined it.  I find myself saying: "If I only didn't put that green there."

The other and more often excuse is I just become uninspired or interested in it.  I get stuck and just give up. I find myself saying "This isn't really that good..."  File it away to maybe someday I'll finish that.  Often times those "ruts" remain unfinished.

It's made me wonder if they're others things in my life that I treat like unfinished paints.

The answer is yes.. there are quite a few things I start then quit along the way.  I have probably 30 started blog post that have a few sentences or a couple paragraphs.  I will start a really important goal and then just give up on the pursuit.

Sometimes I wonder where I am in God's studio.  Am I getting closer to being completed or do I have a long way to go.  For now I feel very unfinished but I know he who started a good work in me will complete it I'll and I'll be a masterpiece.

Distributions and unimportant

As I put in my notice for my job, I knew there was going to be challenges... 

Hard goodbyes and missed opportunities.

Fears and doubts.

Bitterness and resentment.

But what I found out through this process was how unimportant I was on some levels, as I was told they wouldn't be filling my job.

As my job tasks started getting distributed amongst the remaining team, I was struck with the impression that my job was relevant and unimportant.  I certainly know may not be true but it was a humble reminder.

Jesus doesn't want us to make idols and he certainly doesn't want us to be prideful in the things we do or the things we have.

For me... a good career, a good title, a nice paycheck are idols.

For me... Getting praise and glory from others are idols.

When people brush me off so easily, I wonder if I was ever important and why people didn't see my beautiful idols.  Ha.

This process is reminding me... In many ways .. it's not about me.  Throughout my life journey God has to keep reminding me that I shouldn't care so much of the things of this world and I really need to fix my eyes on things above.

God is slowly making me into a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit.  I certainly can't let anything stand in the way of that.

So during this transition, as God reminds me to throw away the idols... I choose to not care so much about being distributed and unimportant.

Be happy

My daughter was telling me about an article she read that said the only way to be happy was to live a simple life.

I told her that though there is some truth to it... There was more to that statement and more to pursing happiness.

Knowing how she operates...I explained that often times we consider happiness the end destination.

Once I do X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy.
Or
Once I buy X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy.

I told her that happiness was the journey and though the destination might make you happy, often times it's fleeting.  If you're not happy in the journey/ the here in now, then you're not pursing the right things. 

I used some of my favorite examples...

If you want to run a marathon but you absolutely hate running.. Why give yourself a goal you don't enjoy. If you're not enjoying the journey to the goal then why are you doing it.. most people might say no one enjoys running but that's not true.

Or

If you save up all your money for those new shoes but then your never where then because you don't want them to get ruined..  because life had taught you that the first time You wore them it rained and they got ruined.  But if you don't enjoy the things you have and you slow fear to plague you, then why did you waste your money in the first place.

Life is hard and it's often messy.  We won't always be happy...

But often times we forget to enjoy the little things because we're too focused on the big.. down the road things. (I'm so guilty if this...)  We say to ourselves... I'll be happy later and then later never comes.

So my challenge is to live a simple life and be happy here and now as much as possible... As often as possible. 

Fruit Roll-up

A co-worker of mine just told me a story that he remembered from the fourth grade.

He started off that his mom would daily pack his lunch and include a fruit roll up.  Those are a big deal to kids.  I never got a fruit roll up in my lunches but I remember those kids who did.

One day he got his lunch out of his cubby and his fruit roll up was gone. He knew who took his snack but even though he was upset he didn't say anything. 

When he went home that afternoon,  he told his mom who stole and how upset he was.  His whole day was off because he didn't have his snack.

She told him that he wasn't allowed to retaliate.  The next morning his mom gave him his lunch which included: two fruit roll-ups.  She told him that he was to give the extra one to the girl who took his the day prior.

He did.  He didn't say anything about her stealing it but that today he had brought an extra for her to have. 

He chuckled as he said she never stole it again but what struck me was the pure kindness his mom taught him.

Clearly it had an impact as he still remembered the story even after 30 years.

Too often we covet and we sometimes steal, because we just want what others have.  Or we're the ones that people are stealing from and we often get so upset that people take what isn't theirs.

Sometimes God can teach us much about kindness and forgiveness with just two Fruit Roll ups.

James N Gordon

The other day I got a letter... From Jim Gordon.

Made me think and reflect on my time spent with him.. And here's my conclusion:

Jim was a jerk. Don’t worry, I made sure I told him that every chance I could.  He was completely irresponsible at times.  He drove recklessly and had been known to take short-cuts that weren’t really short cuts at all.  I even once saw him write a letter to someone while he was driving.   He was selfish and not a great husband.  He hurt his beautiful wife too many times to count. 

He lacked fashion sense.  He had crazy hair and wore the ugliest green sweater vest.  He was egotistical.  He was so boastful in himself and would go on record that certain things were only funny when he did them.  He would make fun of you in a heartbeat, even at a wedding… even if you were the bride and it was during the ceremony.   He had the most obnoxious laugh.  He knew how to embarrass you in public and he would do it every chance he could.  He would probably tell you that he was the worst sinner of them all, just as humbling as Paul wrote to Timothy. 

Jim was a jerk and had so many flaws…but don't we all?

Jim Gordon had something most of us lack.  He had a certain charisma that you can’t quite put in words.  He had a spirit you couldn't generate or copy even if you tried.  He dedicated his live to love people where they were, but also to challenge them NOT to stay there.  He didn't buy into the whole status quo and he certainly wasn't the worlds standard of a guy.  

He gave his time to just sit with you and shoot the shit.  He made people feel special even if they were strangers.  He would give the shirt off his back, if you need it.  He could make you laugh even when you had nothing to even smile about. He planted small seeds of faith in so many people. He figured out the key to life and he lived it out beautifully.  He knew how to fart around and He knew how to love like Jesus.  

Even now years later... I want to be a little more like Jim... Farting around and loving like Jesus.

Run down and worn out

I'm a go go go.. Girl.  I don't really know the true meaning of "resting" because I'm always a get it done and then off to the next thing.

I guess when you've trained for a marathon being highly anemic you can find the energy to do about anything.

Even now, I'm starting to feel a bit worn down and wondering if I'm starting to get sick, I'm thinking of all the things I have to get done. 

I'm constantly being yelled at by my husband, that I don't rest and I don't take good care of myself.  But isn't that somewhat the life of a 'working' wife and mom... To be self-sacrificing and wanting to make sure everything is the best it can be even when you're a little worn down? 

I'm getting better at taking care of myself but not nearly as good as my husband would like.  I can't tell the world to just stop because I'm tried.  I'm not wired that way and even when I'm resting I'm still thinking, planning or making my lists.

I know that he only has my best interest at heart, but often times when I'm starting to get sick it burned it I'm humbly reminded at Christ sacrifice for me.  The pain he went through.  My stuffy nose and sore throat are nothing compared to his suffering. 

My "non rest" attitude is centered on the passion to do everything Christ had called me to do.  I remember that marathon so well and how I had to depend on Christ to get me to the finish line.  God doesn't want us to me to suffer but though that I persevere. 

I recognize my stubbornness but I also recognize that Jesus gives me rest, the strength and power to push on. 

So the next time (and the next... And the next...)  I'm feeling run down and worn out... I'll keep turning to Jesus and I'll truly rest when he calls me home.

D - all of the above

I hate taking tests.  It's one of the main reasons I didn't sit for my CPA once I graduated many years ago.

I am terrible at making certain selections to questions. I always find myself second guessing my answers.  Then I would end up getting it wrong, because it was my first choice but because of doubt I changed it.

I always like the option D - all of the above... When in doubt go with D. 

I treat my life much like that, when I don't know the answers I'll go with option D all of the above.  Bagel or doughnut.. both.  Coffee or tea.. Both.   Renovate the kitchen, bathroom or office.. all.

As I get older I'm starting to recognize: D- All... Is not always the best answer.
I'm easily over extended at times and to exhausted to enjoy the small things.  It's even more apparent when I see my teenage daughter also pick D- All... She's very much like me at times.

I'm slowly learning and teaching it's about quality over quantity... I not sure I'm scoring on the test of "Life" but I'm certainly learning that sometimes the answers are not D- all of the above.

Insignificant

Did you ever know someone that can make you feel so insignificant?

It's not so much an attitude of them being inferior and high and mighty, rather they just make you feel so low and unimportant.

I have a boss that makes people feel that way.  She plays favorites.  She either likes you or doesn't and if she doesn't: She very rarely gives praises for a job well done and often puts her employees down by being demeaning or giving them cold shoulder.

I've had a few co-workers say similar things and often feel very neglected and have become somewhat resentful.  They have tried to work things out with her, but she often does very little to resolve the issues. 

Because her past actions, when she does do something nice or give praise, it's treated as a cheap sentiment.  Folks joke that it's pointless to say anything because she's untouchable and has positioned herself very well in the company.

I am typically not bothered by such a narcissistic personally, but this boss of mine considers herself a Christian.  Sometimes I try to extend her grace (I don't know her struggles) but I often don't really see her wanting to be better. 

As a believer in Christ, we're called to be humble ... Perhaps recognize ourselves as insignificant... In many ways we are.  But I'm fairly certain Jesus never treated people as being trivial or non-essential.

This makes me look deeply in to my heart, and how I treat people in my life.  Do I build up or do I tear down?  Do I have a loving attitude even when I don't feel like it or like the person?  Do I treat people as being insignificant?

Dirty word: Anti

I just read an article that Ellen Page ragged on Chris Pratt about his his faith and the church being anti-LGBTQ...

What I guess I don't understand is when did we make "anti" such a dirty/ hateful word. 

The definition of anti is: opposed to; against.  In the noun form it means: a person opposed to a particular of, activity or idea.

What's happened in our society is we've added to that to include: hate, anger and disgust.

We can no longer be anti something without adding hostility.  We make assumptions that if you're anti...then you are automatically intolerant and discriminating.   We add that extra to make it spiteful and sting... Which causes so much hatred and divide.

I'll be honest there are many things I'm anti on:  Mustard, Being late somewhere, Talking on the phone, washing dishes, etc.. however I'm wouldn't say that I'm hateful or disgusted over those things (well.. except the mustard...)

As a Christian I may be opposed to certain ideas and beliefs but my entire foundation of my spirituality is built on LOVE.  I've never once hated someone because they opposed my beliefs or ideas, or lived a different life than me.

We're all so very different... We're never going to be wired the same. Thankfully, because what's a world where everyone is the same.

Right now some people are putting mustard on a hotdog.. and enjoying it. 

As humans we have to do better.

The next time you read an article that says: the ______ and ______ is anti _______.

Don't just assume they hate you because you are...

Don't jump on the bandwagon of spewing more animosity...

Agree to disagree.  Because anti isn't a dirty word.

Potassium metabisulfite

We don't like admitting when we screwed up or failed.  I'm no exception... I hate when people see my flaws and inadequacy.

However, sometime we have to put it out there that we aren't successful.  No one is perfect!

 I was 100% successful... Until the Potassium metabisulfite.

I was in the last phase of my first homemade wine.  It was just about the to bottle.  I wanted to add a preservative so my wine would last longer.  So I read the instructions and add the sodium metaphosphate.  Plugged it up and wait the two more days.

Bottling day arrives and my son and I successfully bottle 29 bottles of wine.

With the little bit remaining in my Big bubbler I decide to pour it in a glass and toast my success.

Took a sip... And thought:  this didn't taste right at all!!

I sat down and frowned and wondered what happened.

It took me a while but I realized it had to be my last step, so I went back to my instructions.

Yep. I misread the amount and now my wine could be a bit toxic.  Sigh. Cry. Repeat.

In that moment I felt like a complete loser.  Needless to say I didn't sleep much that night as I was so mad at myself.

The next day I figured I better deal with my disappointment.  I dumped out the 29 bad bottles of wine. Even came up with a little song:

29 bad bottles of wine in the shelf..

It was hard to do but it was a really good reminded that we screwed up (sometimes a lot...)  and more often than we'd like to admit.

Life lessons are good and we shouldn't shame ourselves when we mess up.

And sometimes we need share our struggles and errors we learned... Like 1/4 cup isn't the same as 1/4 tsp of Potassium metabisulfite.

Your attitude matters

I was dropping off my daughter at school this morning.   As she was getting out of the car, I said "Goodbye, have a great day." Her reply nothing.  I then said "I love you!" Her reply nothing. 

I pulled away like... Wow.

Now, I wasn't aware that I did anything specific to make my daughter angry or give her grounds to be rather rude but mornings aren't her favorite and the teenage moods are the real deal.

Most of the time I am able shake off these kind of hurts (or at least put them in the closet for the devil to use later) but as a pulled away this morning from her school, I was kinda sad.  Then I was kinda mad. 

Sad, that her attitude made me feel unimportant or disrespected. Mad that she's somewhat ungrateful and selfish.  I'm not a perfect mother (person) and I'm sure I slammed the door without saying anything to the people in my life.. Often.  But in that moment I realized that your attitude can really effect people... Both positively or negatively.

We're such emotional people.  We go from happy- to- sad -to- angry and back to happy very easily.  We say we're fine when were not and often we slam the door and walk away which speaks louder than a cheap sentimental goodbye.

I know we're not perfect and flawed through our sinfulness, but there are defining moments that we really must dig deeper and ask ourselves... How is my attitude effecting those around me.. cause it really does matters.

Shake, Shake,Shake senora

Every now and then things don't go my way...  Well, it seems like it's more often these days... That things don't go my way.  Between trials, tribulations, set backs, disappointments...  You name it and I'm having it. 

Google music made me a playlist called "shake it off"

At times I feel I'm growing closer to be more like Christ and then I'm kicked down a few pegs.  

It's like the world wants my to be cynical or angry.  Or it wants me to be sad and depressed.

  Either way,  I know that I need to either shake it off or not be shaken.

I found the best way to shake shake shake... Is through songs and scripture.

In 1 Thessalonians 3: Paul knew that the church was going to face many difficulties and trials.  He knew first hand and he sent Timothy to encourage and help them strengthen their faith.

So when you're disappointed, tested or in battlefront... Seek Jesus, stay close to him and ask him to help you Shake it!!

Dead plants

At work lately, I've been feeling like that dead office plant.  You know the one in the corner that is all wilted and dried up.

It's way too easy to feel malnurished  and deflated.  For a plant it's the lack of water and sunshine, for people it's the lack of encouragement and motivation.

I love buying plants.  I love when they are so full and green.  However I'm not great at keeping them that way.  I recently read a check list on how to grow healthy plants.

1. Know you plants.

2. Make sure the containers or pots are big enough.
3. Provide the right amount of sunshine.
4. Water them only as often as needed.
5. Fertilze.
6. Check your plants often.
7. Keep pest away.

Much of that is applied as being a manager...

1. Know your employees.
2. Make sure they are in positions they like and which allow them to grow and flourish.
3.  Encourage and motivate them.
4.  Give them constructive feedback.
5.  Pay them.
6.  Check in with them regularly even if they all seem good.
7. Pull out the weeds around them that hinder and cause them to stop growing.

If more managers recognized they have to be more like a gardener,  I believe people wouldn't wither and burn out.

The problem is most managers don't want to get their hands dirty or put in the work to have healthy beautiful plants (aka workers.)  Or often they decide to start watering and over water through micromanaging.

If you're a manager... Make sure you treat your plants well.

My uncle Larry

Almost 28 years ago, I remember my mom waking us up one morning

to tell us that my uncle Larry died.

I can still remember trying to piece it all together and trying to grasp the whole idea of life and death. My uncle was only 26, and probably the most mild manner person I had known.  I was so confused.

Eventually things unfolded and I found out that my uncle was out 'coon hunting when a juvenile neighbor, named Steve (*not his real name) stabbed my uncle near the heart.  My uncle died on the way to the hospital.

Apparently Steve didn't like my uncle and did things to make his life difficult.  What made things slightly worse was he was the son of a local preacher. 

I never went to the trial and was shielded from most of the conversations.  I remember bits and pieces I saw on the news and the conversations of the adults around me.

Larry was my first funeral.  Everyone was crying and I was just numb looking at him in the casket.  I remember thinking why is he wearing makeup. 

The trial for my uncle didn't serve justice to my family.  Steve's parents hired him a top attorney and he was found not guilty of murder one.  He claimed he was out camping when a hunter started him.  His defense was 'self defense' but everyone knew he did it on purpose.

How does one live with themselves after purposely killing someone... Truth be told Steve eventually killed himself. 

I recall the satisfaction or justification my family spoke of once they heard the new of Steve's death.  It was as if they believed in karma and he got what he deserved.

I've learned much about forgiveness through this experience.  I don't know if my grandparents or father or my other uncle ever really forgive Steve.

We live in a broken world.  Heartache hit us all in different ways and at different times... Jesus knows what it feels like.  He encourages us all to seek forgiveness when our hearts are wounded.

Are there Steve's in your life?  Best way to heal is to forgive. 

What am I doing?

New year's... It's the time of year you say to yourself I'm going to do x, y, z...

This year  it's been a major time of reflection.

I keep asking myself "what am I doing?"

I love being self-aware,  but every now and then I become clueless on what I'm doing any who I am.

I keep going through life thinking I need to check the ALL of the boxes.  Or at least see many as I can.
Get married ☑️ check.  Have kids but ☑️ check. Get a job ☑️ check.  Drive a race car ☑️ check.

Lately I feel like I'm missing something really important.  My propose seems all jumbled and hodge podged.

Time is also against me as it seems I'm running out of it.  It's flying by and I'm aging way too fast.  They say you get to fully enjoy life when you're retired but I'm selfish and I want it now.

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a "Martha". - 100%
I'm trying to make sure the meal gets prepared, complain I'm the only one making it, and half the time I forget to stop and really enjoy the meal once it's complete.  

Most of the time while I'm already thinking about the next meal before finishing the first. 

I wish I could be a "Mary" or at least be 50/50 Martha/Mary combo.

Maybe my life purpose is really just to stop doing x,y,z... And start listening, sitting and enjoying all the little things.

I'm not sure how to do that and I'm not sure how much it truly enjoy that. But I'm not sure what I'm doing anyway so it's work a try. 

Jumping on the bandwagon

It's FAR too easy to jump on the bandwagon... My son was recently learning about idioms and the bandwagon is a pretty famous one.

In 19 century America, the bandwagon was a wagon that carried a group of musicians. 

People often followed them preceding a parade or some performance.  Since then it's become an effect where people uptake a certain belief, idea, fad, or trend.  It's the individual following or adopting those things mostly because it's present and looked entertaining.

I often find myself caught jumping on and off certain bandwagons.   I'm easily attracted to the songs and tunes of said bandwagon.  Oh that clever devil...

I'm certainly caught between staying in the path Jesus calls us to and the path that the world follows... The one that says I should be, do, have... Be something special, do something grand, and have all the things my heart desires.

Jesus doesn't promise his road is easier... He doesn't promise the worldly be, do, have...  The ones the bandwagons promotes.   But he does promise a reward far greater.. be in Christ, do his work, and get his reward.  Often times his wagon may seem rather dull compared to the worlds.

The worldly bandwagon is on a path that won't bring you true Joy or peace.  It will fade and it will leave you empty when the song is over.