Ode to my son..

Let me be honest.

After my daughter was born, I stated multiple times, that I would not have another child.  I wanted to have an only child.  One sweet little girl was all I needed.   She was and still is a great daughter and has a beauty to her that words can’t describe.  But this isn’t about her...

It was few months the year 2006 when I found out we were expecting another child.  I knew before I took the test, that I was with child.   Was it a mother’s intuition?

That summer was the most difficult summer of our lives with many trials and tribulations, but here we were with a four year old and another on the way. 

We found out in August that our baby was a boy (even though Alita really wanted a sister) but prior I knew that it was a boy.  Another mother’s intuition, perhaps?

So in August the boy became Gideon Lee ... he was due Nov 30 that year.  And just like his sister he decided to hang out an extra few days.  I remember going to the hospital and I remember the moments after his birth.  I may not remember all the in-betweens but I do remember the moment I thanked God ... for having me eat the words “only one child.” 

I was scared I wouldn’t love him as much as I did my daughter (and sometimes over compensate for him being the second.)  It’s amazing how much love you can have for both (all) your children.  It’s amazing to see how different and yet similar they both can be. 

Gideon is...

 

a great eater...

 an amazing  helper...

 

a clown...

as stubborn as his parents at times...

He loves his sister.  He looks up to his sister more than she will ever really know.  Even willing to dress up as Captain Huggie Face, while she pretends she's Word Girl.  

He has a charming smile and is full of life.

And today he is eight... and great! 

Happy Birthday my sweet Gideon Lee! 

Facebook and this extrovert

I have been on Facebook since 2006.  It’s been an extremely useful tool for me to reconnect with so many wonderful people who have been in or are currently my life – long friends from primary, middle and high school, distant relatives living across the US and around the world, current friends and peers from church, work, school and the neighborhood. 

How did we connect with all these wonderful people when we didn’t have Facebook?

Being and extrovert – most people often know how I am ‘doing’ with just the expression on my face.   My co-workers know when I don’t agree with something or hold a difference of opinion.   I seem like a pretty open book to most people.   It’s true, I was the kid that danced on the kitchen table just to get a few laughs or threw the board game when I wasn’t winning.  And if you do that long enough – no one really takes you that serious and not many people ever stop to actually read your pages of your life.  Ever. 

99% of my friends, family don’t really know how highly sensitive, emotional and deep I can be.   Because those people still see a me as a that silly, outgoing, egotistical, goof-off.  My motto in life became ‘if the shoe fits – why not?’   I learned to wear a smile and hide my true feelings- phenomenally. 

I have become a master of disguise, so to speak.  I build a very, very large fortress around my heart.  Only that 1% of people I know, have really ever been invited into my fortress and seen my heart fully exposed.   Everyone else will never see my daily struggles, fears, or iniquities – which are far greater than I would ever truly admit.    

I believe in transparency for many things – accounting, internal controls, policy and procedures, government, scotch tape, parenting, and especially in marriage.   I think it’s important to be an open book when it comes to many things.  But I see how we have become highly opaque in our social media.  No one wants to be that vulnerable.  Not even this extrovert. 

I just read someone say “Facebook is a great tool to exchange thoughts, images, photos, laughs, suggestions, inspiration, and many other valuable things, but in many ways it's a facade.”  How true. 

We choose what friends see.  We choose what the world sees.  Some people are genuine.  Some people air their dirty laundry.  Some people post nothing and only watch.  Some people only show the 'good' stuff.  We choose our social media personalities, all the while hiding who we really are.   I highly believe privacy is important and I never post private matters, so I don’t anticipate my friends to do otherwise.  But what I have discovered by never showing my vulnerability or my heart, I am only building up my fortress higher and higher.   And by doing so for so long, I found that I am more cynical, angry, judgmental and jealous.   I put on that smile day after day, when really my heart is hurting.  

So here’s my thing:  Extroverts needs people and as an extrovert I need people.  Real people.   I know that people 'online' aren’t real.  We’re all just a bunch of Pinocchios (self-included.)   And at the end of the day, Facebeook doesn’t fulfill my need to be energized by real human interactions.   Facebook is not a good substitute for real relationships and that's what I need in my life right now.  

Don’t get me wrong, I love, love, love, love reading and seeing my friends’ adventures,  the family trips, the celebrations of birth and marriage, and all the  other wonderful inspirational things.  But at the end of the day, I am still deflated.  I am still hiding in my fortress, longing for more people knocked on my door.  I would love for you to get to know me more, but that’s never going to happen on Facebook. 

So, I have deleted the Facebook application off my phone.  I realized how many times a day do I look at all my facebook notifications on my phone.  In addition, I have deleted the bookmark shortcut off my computers – both work and home.   Not because I am breaking up with Facebook or taking a stand against technology, but rather as a reminder to myself.   A reminder, that I need more interaction with people... I don't want to be lazy friend anymore.  It’s too easy to just look at the news feed and see how everyone’s "doing" and calling it a day.   Because chances are... if my friends are anything like me,  that’s not really sharing how they are really doing and I need to make more of an effort to get out of my Facebook fortress and be more real and be a better friend. 

Why I have a blog. Hint: It's not really for you.

I don’t really expect anyone to ever truly read my blog.   I don’t really publish many postings out there to sites where people would come to visit me here.   I am not famous or even highly interesting most days of my life.   I am not wise or smart.   My English and grammar are to be desired.   I know that I believe way too much in Capitalization, Commas and - Hyphens.   Honestly I don’t have anything really interesting to say most days. 

I am just a girl struggling as much as the next person trying to figure out this crazy thing we call - life.  Every now and then, I have a thought that I just can’t keep hidden inside anymore.  We all got something to say every now and again, right?  So every now and again, I blog.

I won’t lie, I have many unpublished postings.   I may have thought one day a posting would bring new meaning to my simple decent life, but they have become just another unfinished post or even just a title. 

  Some of those include:

•    Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I am angry...
•   What's in your tool box?
•  Humbly His Part, 1, 2 and 3   
•   Hard Working Women
•  Previous Life (Part 1 and Part 2)
•  Who's in Charge here...

Come to think of it the truth is, most of my life is unpublished.   I bet almost everyone has a most of their life unpublished (excluding narcissists of course.)  I would say most people could care less if anyone really got a glimpse of what they are thinking or feeling.  As I do - most of the time.  

I have recently indicated, if you read my blog, that my heart is protected by a fortress.   I could joke that I have a tendency of walking on the mines I’d laid. 

You may get that, you may not?   But what I have learned: we all live in similar 'prisons.'  We all have 'secrets' or even insight we keep all buried up inside.   

Having a blog has made me realize, I don’t have to stay inside my fortress all the time.   It gives me permission to get out of my comfort zone.   Be vulnerable.   Open up the curtains for just a moment to let the big bad world see inside.   I don’t want to leave a life where my loved ones will have to clear out all the ‘clutter’ when I am long gone.   

I often struggle with not wanting people to know who I really am – who I am most days.  Which honestly is a mess and highly non-entertaining.   I am happy, healthy and by God’s grace- loved!  Loved by many people, who do care about what I have to say even if they do or do not read my blog.   

I blog to remind myself that God is actively in my life- fighting to show me what it means to live and love.  To remind myself that being published isn’t always a scary thing.  To not be afraid of ‘being out there’ in the world.   We will always have challenges – I try to write about them as I face them.  Sometimes it’s easier than others.  Sometimes God fills me with the wisdom to discern them.   Maybe I blog to remind myself over and over again the things I keep learning and yet keep forgetting.  You may find them unimportant to you and that doesn't hurt my feelings.  

But when I am aimlessly wondering the desert time and again- wondering what it is I really need in life or need to be doing or thinking or feeling.   When it’s all said and done and I figure out my own nonsense – I am free, grateful, and I try at times to blog about it.  Hence, I blog and it's not really for you at all.  

Another mission trip... not like the last...

When I first learned that our church was sending a group to 'babysit' kids in the Caribbean – I instantly wanted to be part of that.  The details made the trip even more and more enticing and I waited patiently to see if God would invite me to be part of the VBS team... and he did.

It's true, I act like a pretty big kid most of the time.  I sing, dance, make a fool of myself many times within any given day.  Most adults are highly embarrassed to be seen with me, when I am in my fun loving kid mode.  But I tell you that childlike spirit was exactly what I needed for this special mission trip.

For this trip, I was asked to lead the VBS classroom for the 5-6 year old missionary children, whose parents serve in Latin America and Africa.  I am very well diverse in middle schoolers but have survived raising two kids that once where the ages 5-6, so how hard could it be? 

Let me start off to say, I have a new found respect for teachers of 5-6 year olds.  I quickly learned that my childlike funnest wasn't nearly enough. 

I spent five days with 14 little people and after those five days - exhaustion was an understatement.  I gave everything I had to love those kids,  teach them about God's love, entertain them, make them feel special and make their week at 'some' missionary retreat a true blessing.  

I would tell anyone that I had THE best class ever!  I had some of the kindest children I have ever met in life.  After only one day with them, they had already opened their hearts and let us be a part of their lives.  I joked with many of them that I wanted to take them home.  

We had a blast - playing games, singing songs and just being together.  
That's what it was all about for these precious kids.  Being together with other kids that are in the same situation as themselves.  

They are foreigners in foreign lands.  They don't see their grandparents or extended families often.  They don't really belong to any one place,  not to where they came from or where they are currently living. They live a bit of a difficult life not because they choose it, but because their parents were called into one of the hardest/greatest ministries you can be called into - the great commission.  They live out the gospel each and everyday - in a place that's not really their home.

These "M.K's" are adaptable.  They are great with change and flexibility.  They are use to it.  You would think them to be reserved or sheltered but they are caring and kind.   They will love you after 10 minutes of knowing you.  And they can have fun with the simplest of things - like a giant inflatable named Sammy.  

What this experience taught me was, even those these kids appear to be overlooked,  living in the spiritual war zone - up close and personal, they have the spirit of love.  These children were way more than I am- most days.  They showed up excited and full of life, where as I show up needing a double espresso.  Sure they are kids and that's what youth is all about.  But, they  weren't  jaded or cynical, as they have a right to be.  They weren't perfect but they sure reminded me why Jesus loves children so much and what it means to have faith like a child.  

I gave them all I had.  In retrospect in such a short time they deserve that and so much more than me.  My fellow team would shriek when they saw the kids running up to us yelling "Ms. Heather, Ms. Heather."   Hugging and singing to us. 

The children's enthusiasm and love was priceless and worth being utterly exhausted and overwhelmed.

The reality for me is, most likely they will soon forget my name.  They will forget all the fun we had in that short week.  They will forget many things.  But they will continue to grow up, across the world.  They will be full of love for the next teacher and adults that come into their life.  They will continue to be shaped into the person God has set out for them.  Just as God does in each of us.   Life goes on and we grow from each experience.  

For me, and each new experience God lays before me, I am constantly reminded of HIS eternal love and grace - this time it came from 'babysitting' a bunch of silly seahorses in the Caribbean.   

After 15 years.. 15 random facts I have learned about marriage and life

After 15 years of marriage.. here are 15 random facts I have learned so far:

1. I married a sinner, so I have learned much about forgiveness and how to forgive.  However, he also married a sinner, so I have learned how to seek forgiveness and be reconciled.  I have cried many tears over sin that has affected my life.  Both His and my own.  If married you must be willing and able to forgive and ask for forgiveness, pretty much daily. 

2. Having children is one of the most rewarding and selfless things you'll every "do" in life, but you have to remember your marriage came first.  I joke with my husband that we'll have each other again when the kids leave home, but that's not good enough.  Your marriage is more important than parenting.  Your kids will use your marriage and apply that to their lives... make it a true romance.  

3. Communication is key.  If you don't talk, then walls will build and love can die.  Tell the truth, talk daily, talk often, share your feelings and listen wholeheartedly.  Even if it's just sharing a cup of tea or coffee on the front porch after the kids are in bed, make time to communicate.

4. Don't compare your life or marriage to others.  Everyone is different and some things come easier or harder.  Just because someone makes it look easy, doesn't mean they have it easy.  Most of the time they are faking it or winging it.  

5. Be content.  Wishing for something different or your spouse to be different will only cause strive.  You don't have to keep up with the Jones or have everything your hearts desire.  The grass may look greener... but most likely it's just being watered more.  Which brings me to number six....

6. Be willing to work hard for a great marriage.  You have to be willing to put in long hard hours.  A marriage should be treated as a marathon or a triathlon not a sprint.  If you're not tired, you're not working hard enough.  When you hit a wall, keep going, push through.  No one said you would have it easy, you just have to never give up.

7. Sickness and heath.. cancer can put it all on to perspective.  When they wheel your loved one into OR, you will remember it all and cherish it all.  You will pray like you've never prayed before.  No one really thinks much of this vows on their wedding day, but it is one of the benevolent one you make.

8. Sacrifice.  You can't always get what you want.  Being married teaches you much about making sacrifices - almost daily.  If you're not willing to put your loved one first, don't get married.  The biggest thing you will sacrifice in a marriage is your personal time.  And most of time if you're lucky like me, it won't feel like a sacrifice at all.

9. Be positive.  It's so easy to fall into the negative Nelly mindset.  Though your spouse can be there to listen to you vent at times, it's not fair to complain about every little thing.  Yes we carry each other's burdens, we encourage and we listen but it's important to be positive and optimist.  Life is stressful and will always be.  

10. Love and respect each other.  It's important to know if your spouse drives on being loved or being respected.  Great book written by Dr. Emerson Eggerich called Love and Respect.  If you haven't read it, go buy it.  It will teach you much more about your spouse than I could ever enlighten you with.

11. Have lots of Sex with you spouse.  Yes, I said it (added the spouse part, just in case you needed that clarification.)  Don't be stingy with sharing your love in this form.  Do it as often as possible.  It's not always easy to do. Don't make excuses or wait till the mood is right.   Most of the time it won't be and most of the time you really have lots of other important things to do.  But being intimate is so very important in marriage and this is the best way for it.  

12. Serve one another.  If I ask: My husband will get me anything from the kitchen I desire.  He willingly rubs my back or feet if they are hurting.  He will help me tear down walls if I am in need of an additional home improvement project.  He knows how to serve me.  It's important to do the little things to show you're loved one how much you love them, and the best way to do that is through service. 

13.  Be each others advocate. I found that it's highly important to be each other's cheerleaders.  Encourage and pray for them often.  You should never talk bad (or down) about your spouse to others.  It can be an easy thing to fall trap into, but I have seen firsthand what happens when you aren't standing up for your spouse or being their biggest supporter during a "life" attack.   

14.  Laugh.  It's highly important to have a great sense of humor in marriage and in life.  Life can be too serious.. most all of the time.  My children, coworkers and friends have learned that my husband and I are big kids- most of time.  We laugh, play games, run around acting and dancing silly.  Life is short, make it fun and laugh as often has possible.

15. Have Faith in God.  You have the right to disagree with me.  BUT, I have found that nothing is more important in life than having a loving relationship with Jesus Christ.  When you love God, only then you can love others unselfishly and fully.  When I am fully faithful to my Lord.. I have a great marriage.  When I am not... we roam around aimlessly trying our best to make it work... and we fail.  

Here's to the next 15 years! 

What you really need...

Recently, my husband has really started worrying about a dear one.  This person in our lives hasn't really been able to find steady work, has a history of depression, and most importantly isn't walking with the Lord.

It's easy to start judging yourself to others and what they have vs. what you have or don't have.   I know the song and dance oh so well, when I see it in my own life.  Yet, I am slowly starting to learn that what you need the most isn't a fluffy 401K or savings in the bank,  a big house in Preston County club, or a Executive job title that tells the world you are someone.  But, what you need the most is Jesus.

"Yeah yeah, yeah they all say that right?"  But the truth is nothing else is more important in life than walking with him.

We often look for the wrong things in life to make us happy - a lover, a friend, a drink, a vacation... I could go on forever.  I know often I find myself falling into the trap that "life is good" and I can do it all on my own.

But over and over, I fall down and cry out.  'Damn, here I go again!'  I really have little to offer the world without the grace and love of my God.  For through him alone I am able to get up, brush myself off and keep on going.

We worry about the people in our life, especially those who don't realize no matter what you will keep falling down (period.)   No person is exempt from life's trials, tribulations and heartaches.  Everyone falls down (because of sin.)  But what's important that it's far easier to let God pick you up and brush you off than doing it yourself.

What is most important is looking to him alone to satisfy your ever need.  He wants to and he is more than willing.  We all fall short of his glory and Majesty.   We have really nothing to offer him other than our broken life's and sinful hearts.  But the awesomeness in that.. is he wants it.  He wants all of us and though he doesn't like us to suffer, he uses it for good - to teach us.

We're never going to get it all right on our own... not no no way, not no how.  But reach out to Jesus and with him, you can walk on water and move mountains.  He's what you really need...

No Doubt

It's simply does continue to amaze me how often I have doubt.

I doubt so many things, and people.  I often don't give people the 'benefit of the doubt' and I am constantly waiting for the promises people make to be broken.

I am just so full of doubt at times.  I am not really afraid, just cynical.  And all too often I doubt that God is going to take care of me (and specifically my family.)

I am constantly uncertain about so many things but that's what makes me so human.   I  feel like I have been worn down to a rusty nail at times.   Having been criticized by parents and siblings,  Not being acknowledged for the special things I have done or accomplished, spending time with toxic people, or even being rejected by my peers and friends.  It starts small and gathers over time.  

When you find your self in constant doubt, you become numb to the world.  I feel like I am here again and again and this is a constant battle in which I face.  I build my little doubt house and put a sign on the door that says "Keep Out".  I know deep down that I shouldn't be such a pessimistic, especially when it comes to God, yet I can't help myself. 

I know with all my heart and mind, He will never forsake me and will always be watching over me.  Yet I am often like doubting Thomas. 

I can really relate to Thomas, he wasn't going to believe unless he saw it with his own eyes and touched the wounds with his hands.  The Lord said to Thomas, “Do not doubt, but believe.” 

It's reassuring to me that everyone goes through times of doubt (sometimes over and over again much like myself.) Peter was walking on the water and then sinks when he doubts even thought it was just a second of doubt.    

I am reminded that I learn to be faithful even within my doubt.  Thomas didn't stay a doubter.  He gets the bad wrap for being known as the doubter, but he over comes it and goes on to be a huge advocate for Christ Jesus.  

I know that times I need to have more faith in God and more faith in people. 
I need to acknowledge my doubts, not dwell in then and move on. Life is short and we all face trails and tribulations in some form or another, doubt is just one of my many.  

Letter to my Future Son in Law

So I decided to write a letter to my future son-in-law.  I know this is a bit odd, since my daughter is only 12, but I felt this strong desire to write a letter anyway to him anyway!

Curious, how much I should share with the world.  I hope nothing happens to me in which I can't hand deliver, but for now I choose to keep the whole letter private.  

Nevertheless, here are a few things my letter holds. 

My letter begins with ... 

Dear boy who will be the most important person in my daughter’s life, 

In my letter I share with him personally who my daughter is (as of today April 25, 2014)  I also share insider knowledge on what what he needs to know most on how to love my daughter.  I know her more than she knows herself most days and I specifically know what it means to be a wife and a child of God.

I go on to give him 10 key wisdom points. I tell him he must have or do to having a successful relationship with my daughter.   

I instill upon him all the things I wish someone would have instill upon us on our nuptials.  I am honest that my daughter isn't perfect and marriage isn't always easy.  

Somehow... writing this letter helped me come to the realization that my beautiful girl will someday be a beautiful wife.  And it's never to soon to start praying for a beautiful marriage for that sweet little feisty redhead of mine.  

I end the 7 page letter with this...

I love you already – and always,

Mom

Insurmountable...

Every now and then doesn't it seem like life just keeps pitching you fast balls?  No matter what you do to get ahead in the game, the game gets a little overwhelming?

Once you finally washed all the dishes, you happen to notice the mount and mount of laundry waiting for you. 

You get one kid to t-ball only to realized the other one has dance or ballet across town at the same time.

I have been extremely busy this past few years with working, school and family and every now and then I just get so overwhelmed... It all feels Insurmountable!  But is it really?

Is anything really too great to overcome?  I have read countless stories of people who had every right to through their hands up can claim defeat, but strived and kept going against all odds... what’s makes those people so different from the rest of us?  Where they gifted a superpower of perseverance or endurance?

Just this morning I heard a snip-it on the radio about Job... you know the guy, right?   Job a wealthy man living in UZ with his large family.  He is blameless and upright he does the right thing in the eyes of God.  But Satan challenges God and in a sense they make a bet on how well Job would do in torment of Satan. 

I know what you’re thinking... nice God you got there toying with Job’s life but the story goes on and Job is tested and pretty much loses everything he has including all of his children, he is afflicted with skin sores and his wife basically losses all hope in him and tells him to curse God and die.  Wow.  If that isn’t overwhelming, all of his friends tell him, you must’ve done something pretty bad to have all this affiliation and Job is being punished.  They basically lay into Job and the story goes on, until ultimately God finally interrupts and pretty much puts all in place. 

The entire book of Job is difficult for many to understand, why an all-powerful God allows good people to suffer.   We don’t want to suffer and find ourselves with moments of in surmount.  We don’t want to feel defeated by any means, but that’s when God speaks to us the most...in our pain... in our sufferings.   

In the grand scheme of things,  I am not sure if I have ever had a problem or situation that was insurmountable.  Satan really does stand by waiting to whisper in our ears the lies,  the torment.  Satan often wants us to give up and say that is just too much for me <curse God.>

We often find ourselves too busy that often times we make our lives more complex than they need to be.  We plan expensive vacations only to realize the kids love playing in the back yard just as much.  We take jobs in which we know we can't do.  We make our lives overwhelming by trying to fill it with all the wrong things.    We make medical excuses when we can't justify our behaviors.  We lie, we steal, we cheat..  we are messed up individuals that will never have it all together.   And mostly we don't trust God enough to see us through the difficult times.

Life isn't as simple as ABC but it certainly isn't as insurmountable as we all think.   

Titles for POWER for JUSTIFICATION for WORTH

Recently, my office mates and I got all new job titles.  We had just finished a strategic plan/ continue improvement plan and felt that all of our positions needed to be realigned.  We needed job titles that fit what it is we actually do. 

It really got me thinking about why we have titles... is it for power, justification, or self-worth? Why does it matter if we are a "manager" "director" "officer"... what titles really matter.  

When you think of these "TITLES" below, do you really think of the definitions given to us?

MOTHER:  a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.

FRIEND: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, 

SPOUSE: a husband or wife, considered in relation to their partner.

EMPLOYEE: a person employed for wages or salary, esp. at nonexecutive level.

EMPLOYER: a person or organization that employs people.

COLLEGUE: a person with whom one works esp. in a profession or business.

TEACHER: a person who teaches, esp. in a school.

JEW: a member of the people and cultural community whose traditional religion is Judaism and who trace their origins through the ancient Hebrew people of Israel to Abraham.

CHRISTIAN: a person who has received Christian baptism or is a believer in Jesus Christ and his teachings.

HOMOSEXUAL: a person who is sexually attracted to people of their own sex.

VICTIM: a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.

The list could go on forever, things can be added or taken away like drug addict, recovering alcoholic, liar, thief, etc... Even in the church people put titles on each other... Preacher, Deacon, Elder... There is even a wikipedia page full of official ‘status’ titles: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_titles

So often and so easily we put labels and titles on people and on ourselves.  It’s for vanity or for humility.  Those are the titles we put on ourselves when we can’t accomplish something.  The times we say to ourselves...  I could never do that I am not a BLANK...

Don’t we feel more important if we have all good and significant labels and titles?  It’s our human nature to have pride in what we do and that’s not what I am talking about.  We look for justification and awards from people... we want to be called you a super hero mother or a rock star employee?  Too often we look for this world and the titles of this world to confirm who we are or what we want to be.   

Even at the last supper the disciples bickered and over the title of ending up the greatest.  Jesus intervened saying “Kings like to throw their weight around and people in authority like to give themselves fancy titles.  But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves.” 

Jesus told his followers to give up their titles, become less... Become the least of these... Can we do that today?  Can we give up the things we so inherently want? Statue, Fame, Titles...

You will be so much more, if you accept that what you really need is to be less... throw away the titles. 

At the end of it all... when they lay your body to rest, what ‘title’ will be on your tombstone?  Do you really think it will read: “Present of the BLANK club” or “Director of BLANK” or “Volunteer of BLANK?”  Most likely it will only say a few things.  Your name, your birth, your death, and the one thing that defines you most. 

Don’t get caught up or hung on the titles of this world or who will be the greatest, but rather live a life that is legendary that no words will ever suffice... that no title can ever capture...