Sometimes..

Sometimes the things we want are really hard and we quit to easily.  

Sometimes we don't quit and we find success.

Sometimes when life throw us curve balls - we swing and strike out. 

Sometimes we swing and knock it out of the park. 

Sometimes we find ourselves at a crossroad and take the wrong path in the wrong directions. 

Sometimes we stop and ask for directions and take the right path. 

Sometimes we get lost. 

Sometimes we get found. 

Sometimes we just want to hide. 

Sometimes we just want to seek. 

Sometimes we love. 

Sometimes we hate. 

Sometimes we dance. 

Sometimes we cry. 

Sometimes we're amazed at the beauty,

Sometimes we are sad by the ugliness. 

Sometimes we live fully. 

Sometimes we don't live much at all

Sometimes - is only just sometimes.  

Patience and bead weaving

My mother in law makes the most beautiful jewelry.

I imagine it takes hours and hours, to pick all the colors, sort the beads, then string them all together with all the different styles and arrangements.

And although I'm not a huge jewelry person, I find her work of art to be beautiful and a testimony towards patience.

I have always known I lack patience.  At to an early age I recognized my lack of patience. I am the last born in my family and always wanted to go first but always ended up going last.  I hate waiting in long lines. And I sometimes spontaneously rush to get the things I want even though I was told to wait. 

I struggle with the verse.. I waited patiently for the Lord.  But I often find myself in that situation.  Learning to be patient isn't something that I enjoy but I'm slowly learning that you can find happiness and even contentment while in a time of waiting. 

So, when I find myself being inpatient, I pull out my jewelery from my mother in law and reminded how beautiful things come out of being patient.

Get it together

I'm 40 now, I really should have my s*** together ... but here I am days before the new year planning out how to get my s*** together ... again.

This year will bring many new things. My first born will graduate high school and move off into the world.  I often ask myself, did I prepare her enough?  Did I screw up along the way?

Then there's my 13 year old son... Is he becoming a godly man? Does he have what it takes to endure adolescence and puberty?  

then I think of all the other things that are even more important than being a mother ... My marriage, my body, my mind, and my soul.  Have I been properly feeding those things?

I like New year's. I like New year's resolutions.  I like having goals.  And I like challenging myself.  And yet I still think I have a long way before I truly have my s*** together.  

She's not 39... Anymore...

Over 20 years ago when I was in high school, my youth group leader Bonnie was turning 40.

Jim (her husband) and I rewrote the lyrics to I can't cry anymore by Sheryl Crow and sang "She's not 39 anymore..."

Funny how I somewhat forgot about that and now... Soon I'll be singing that myself.

I don't quiet recall at the age of 16 where I wanted to be when I turned forty but I'm pretty sure I wanted to be much like Bonnie.

She was a pretty epic person and considering I didn't deserve her love she gave it so freely.

I've been reflecting alot on the person I was then and the person I am today. I'm amazed where and how I traveled and the journey in which God lead me. I often wondering, where did the days and years go?

I'm not sure I really recall what my 16 year old self would be at   at my  16 year would be at age 40. l daughter look a lot at my daughter and an reminded of the youthfulness and sence of adventure. 

Turing 40 is strange and so real but one things for sure I won't be 39 anymore.

Unfinished

I start a lot of painting that get pretty far along and then something happens and they remain unfinished.

There's usually a good explanation as to why I don't finish it..

It's almost as I lose interest or lose the desire to finish it.  Perhaps I'm just afraid I'll mess it up, as there have been times I keep painting and then things went sideways and I ruined it.  I find myself saying: "If I only didn't put that green there."

The other and more often excuse is I just become uninspired or interested in it.  I get stuck and just give up. I find myself saying "This isn't really that good..."  File it away to maybe someday I'll finish that.  Often times those "ruts" remain unfinished.

It's made me wonder if they're others things in my life that I treat like unfinished paints.

The answer is yes.. there are quite a few things I start then quit along the way.  I have probably 30 started blog post that have a few sentences or a couple paragraphs.  I will start a really important goal and then just give up on the pursuit.

Sometimes I wonder where I am in God's studio.  Am I getting closer to being completed or do I have a long way to go.  For now I feel very unfinished but I know he who started a good work in me will complete it I'll and I'll be a masterpiece.

Distributions and unimportant

As I put in my notice for my job, I knew there was going to be challenges... 

Hard goodbyes and missed opportunities.

Fears and doubts.

Bitterness and resentment.

But what I found out through this process was how unimportant I was on some levels, as I was told they wouldn't be filling my job.

As my job tasks started getting distributed amongst the remaining team, I was struck with the impression that my job was relevant and unimportant.  I certainly know may not be true but it was a humble reminder.

Jesus doesn't want us to make idols and he certainly doesn't want us to be prideful in the things we do or the things we have.

For me... a good career, a good title, a nice paycheck are idols.

For me... Getting praise and glory from others are idols.

When people brush me off so easily, I wonder if I was ever important and why people didn't see my beautiful idols.  Ha.

This process is reminding me... In many ways .. it's not about me.  Throughout my life journey God has to keep reminding me that I shouldn't care so much of the things of this world and I really need to fix my eyes on things above.

God is slowly making me into a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit.  I certainly can't let anything stand in the way of that.

So during this transition, as God reminds me to throw away the idols... I choose to not care so much about being distributed and unimportant.

Be happy

My daughter was telling me about an article she read that said the only way to be happy was to live a simple life.

I told her that though there is some truth to it... There was more to that statement and more to pursing happiness.

Knowing how she operates...I explained that often times we consider happiness the end destination.

Once I do X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy.
Or
Once I buy X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy.

I told her that happiness was the journey and though the destination might make you happy, often times it's fleeting.  If you're not happy in the journey/ the here in now, then you're not pursing the right things. 

I used some of my favorite examples...

If you want to run a marathon but you absolutely hate running.. Why give yourself a goal you don't enjoy. If you're not enjoying the journey to the goal then why are you doing it.. most people might say no one enjoys running but that's not true.

Or

If you save up all your money for those new shoes but then your never where then because you don't want them to get ruined..  because life had taught you that the first time You wore them it rained and they got ruined.  But if you don't enjoy the things you have and you slow fear to plague you, then why did you waste your money in the first place.

Life is hard and it's often messy.  We won't always be happy...

But often times we forget to enjoy the little things because we're too focused on the big.. down the road things. (I'm so guilty if this...)  We say to ourselves... I'll be happy later and then later never comes.

So my challenge is to live a simple life and be happy here and now as much as possible... As often as possible.