Pool and Parent Reflections...

On Saturday, My kids participated in a local swim competition with 25 other teams.  Let me start off by saying:  My kids are not the best swimmers.  They are really average (or below) for their age and this area.  We have a lot of great swimmers in the Triangle. 

My daughter gets very frustrated on being just average at things.  She wants to excel at everything (which she doesn’t excel at most things she does.)   She is competitive, fierce and she wants to shine sometimes brighter than I would like her to.   She takes a lot of pride in doing well and being a star so to speak.  She was telling me that she feels just average at everything these days.  She does many things well, but She doesn't have that one special talent that she is the best at.  She isn’t the smartest, fastest runner or swimmer, best trumpet player, funniest, tallest, etc... She is just ok at many things.  

I remember all so well, the feelings of being kind of "a nothing" in middle school.  (Gee, I am still kind of a nothing even as an adult.)  I remember how deflating it was to me, not being pretty or smart or richest.  I was kind of below average most of my life.  I didn’t have any one thing that I was great at or the star of either.  So I could relate to how she was feeling. 

But at this meet she was starting to get really discouraged.   She wasn’t beating her own personal best times or was ever once a heat winner.  At the end of the meet she was near the bottom percentile of the score sheet for just about every event she was in.     

I was trying my best to make her feel better, asking if she was having fun at least,  but then something very special happened.  Another parent came up to me and said that he was working the blocks at one of the other meets and he was so impressed with my daughter.  He said that she always was smiling, cheering for her teammates and has an overall great personality.  He said that he just felt the urge to share that with me.  This is not the first time someone has said these exact things to me.  I thanked him and gave credited to God, who made her that way.  

But it dawned on me ...  This could very well be her lot in life! 

As she finished the meet and need a little more cheering up.   I said to her that she received a very nice compliment from another parent.  I didn’t go into details with her but I told her this:

 “Alita, Many years from now.  I am certain that no one really will remember your swimming expertise or lack thereof.  No one will really remember if you were a good or even average swimmer.  No one will really remember THIS meet – not the scores, not the times, not even the heat winners.  You can practice more to be a better swimmer but I don’t think that is going to be what you’re known for.   What people will remember about you, and what you should really focus your efforts on – is who you are.  

People will remember your kindness and your smile.  They will remember you encouraging them and cheering for them.  So if you want to challenge yourself it’s in that - continue to be a great friend, good teammate and overall encouraging person.  Trust that God has a plan and purpose for you and don’t worry about all these in between moments.  As your mom, I am proud of you when you try your hardest and persevere, but  I more impressed you when you shine God’s spirit to others. You are a great person and you need to remember that is way more important than any record, time or earthly achievement.”   

She smiled her cute smile and I know that she heard me.  As a parent, it’s hard encouraging your children correctly.  I try my best to never put any extra pressure on her to do well.  (She does that enough herself.)  I am so blessed to have a daughter that shares with me and I do my best to not mess up that beautiful creature God has given to me, to care for.  I want to continue to help her shape her heart into loving and caring for others (which she is so gifted in) will serve her (and the Lord) for years to come.   For that I am truly gratefully - 

Strong but sometimes Sensitive ...

I have been going through a lot of different situations in my life that has got me examining once again, who am I? Question mark because often times I need to remind myself who I am.  

I know, the life of a woman has its ups, the downs and many times wind blowing your hair out of place.  We women are mysteries on so many levels.  Sometimes we are STRONG... WEAK... and just a little SENSITIVE.  

I recently sent a text to my pastor telling him "I am way stronger than you think I am..." but am I really?

I am strong because of Christ... Only because he has taught me in my 30 something years that He is Good and He has his reasons.  I was recently considering some career changes and something fell in my lap that seemed almost too good to be true.   I felt and thought God was pushing me towards and was a little surprised I was rejected.  I was a bit anger at first as I thought why shake it up Lord, only to tell me I am not good enough.   It once again brought up a lot of many past memories of people (I loved) telling me I wasn't good enough.  Love interest not being interested in me.  People telling me I wasn't smart enough to go to college.   Others telling me I couldn't do it because I was a woman.  Etc. Etc.  I have lived a life of disappointment in not being good enough. I had made a pack with myself that I wouldn’t cry anymore.   Satan loves when we believe those lies.  

So I once again found that my strength in him, didn't shake me or break me in to a million pieces. It only solidify my passion and drive.  I am strong because he made me that way.  

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da... but I went out for a run the other night and while I was running I remembered my snarky response to my pastor.   “I am way stronger than...”  Am I really all that strong?  Nah that’s just me and my coping method of not letting myself cry over silly things.  But during that run, I was reminded how sensitive I really am.  I do care if my sister-in-law doesn’t like my kids facebook photos when I like her kids facebook photos,   or that I wasn’t invited to the meeting that I should have been invited to because I am after all the one in charge of the finances.  It’s those moments when being rejected makes you feel so self-worthless.  It’s ok to be sensitive and cry at really cute YouTube videos of babies and puppies.  It’s OK to feel under appreciated or disenchanted because your life seems so out of control. 

Who I am is a child of God that sometimes can run marathons but sometimes just needs a hug from a friend.  Made in his image, for his purpose and all in his time.  Strong but sometimes sensitive...

Twisted Motives

A few weeks ago, I had gotten an idea to paint a picture.   I haven't painted anything in months, as I am not often motivated or inspired to do so.  But one Saturday afternoon, I found some motivation.  

I started to paint a very colorful picture, that I started to really love how it was coming out.  Most of the time I don't love my artwork, but find it to be rather nice/ tolerable.   But this painting was a bit different.  I really loved it and in that moment, I wanted to give it to a friend that was(is) going through a rough moment in life.  I thought of her as I was paining it and I told my daughter I wanted to give it to her.  She said "you should."  

I second guessed myself and was trying to talk myself out of giving it to her.  I said, oh it would seem strange me giving her a painting. But the Holy Spirit prompted me and reassured that I should give it to her. 

That afternoon after the paint dried, I wrapped the painting up and drove to her house.   I rang her door bell and she and her family came to the door.  With my heart pounding,  I smiled and said  "I painted you a picture."  I know it must have been so creepy and strange.  I am not super close to this person.  I told her that I have been praying for her and her situation.  I said that as I was painting this, I felt she should have it.  

I don't typically have the 'gift of giving' gene.  I am too logical to help people with such day to day needs.  I don't think to make a meal for people who need it or offer to do tasks in which people need.  I am not a 'giver' - but in this moment I was.  I felt so great giving her that painting that I loved and that I would have loved to hang in my own home.  I was selfless and it felt great.  

She didn't open it in front of me. I told her she could open it after I had gone, when she was ready.  I never saw her face express or any reaction to my gift.  I simple said that it was in my heart to give it to her and that I hoped she liked it.  We said our goodbyes and  I skipped to the car and drove home feeling rather proud that I did a nice thing.  In that moment I wondered if I could paint more people pictures, if I could make it a ministry to bless people.  I felt that my motives would be that from the spirit.  To bring beauty to this world. 

However, a couple days went by, then a week, then almost two and I hadn't heard anything from this friend.  I started to wonder.  I start to doubt.  I started feeling my motives twisting into a wicked sinfulness.  My heart began to sink and I began to dwell on many things.   

Worry. Fear. Pride. Resentment. Anger. I started to let my fears of rejection creep in.  What if she hated it?  What if it doesn't match her home?  What if it was too abstract?  What if it was too strange of a thing to do?  What if it reminder her of of something terrible? What if she doesn't want it?  What would I do if I found my painting in the thrift store bin?  What if she didn't have the courage to tell me she didn't like it?  Satan loves feeding those things into our heads.  

I knew when I painted it and gave it to her, I didn't expect anything. It was my gift and my heart was more than happy to give it.  But I realized that my heart can be quite tricky and ultimately I need some kind of confirmation that my gift was acceptable and appreciated.   I started to let Satan really manipulate my motives.   I felt a bit rejected and it made me a little angry.  

Sadly, I felt that I did deserve to be recognized.  I haven't painted in months,  and when I did I was rejected.  However God likes to send us reminders of our faults.  Because shortly after all those stupid head games,  I got the really beautiful thank you card in the mail and  I realized how terrible I let my heart became.   My friend started the thank you by explaining why she delayed in her response to me.  I sank.  

In my own rejection, I began to see how often I reject Christ. Almost daily.   His gift was way more valuable than my silly painting and yet, I often don't have any gratitude towards his gift and his love.   

I realized how much I struggle with gratitude myself and how often I feel rejected from this world.  Deeply I know that this world will really not give me what I long for and what I desire - as I desire to be in Christ fully and deeply.  I can only be satisfied if I could become more like him and enter his presence fully.    

I am grateful that Philippians 1:6 reminds me over and over again... That he began a good work in ME and He WILL see it through to completion!  He reminds me more times than I care to confess that I am a sinner in need of his good love and grace.  I am also reminded that I have the option of making things more beautiful through my art, I should not twist my motives to convenience myself and I just need to stay true to what my heart knows to be true...  love.  

Any way, shape or form

I don't have a crowd of followers or a fan fair.  Probably most of my friends don't read my blog or like many of my Facebook posts.   I am not popular or famous in any way, shape or form. 

I don't experience moments when I walk in the room and it is instantly lighten up.   People stop, turn, look, smile and a scene of joy enters.  Those moments never happen to me.  I am not anything special in any way, shape or form.

I don't do anything that is big and grand.  Anyone could do my job or live my life.  Nothing I do is extraordinary in any way, shape or form.

We remind ourselves that nothing is really special about us.  Plain Jane.  I especially tell myself how unexceptional I am but why is any of this important?

It's not because I have low self-esteem or lack some passion that burns in me.  I don't hate my life in the shadows.  I don't long to be recognized by those around me.  I don't seek fame, fortune, or glory in any way, shape or form.  

Don't get me wrong,  I absolutely love being a blessing to others.  Throwing a pot luck at work, or leaving notes for my friends.  I love bringing joy and happiness to others.   I smile thinking about being a blessings to others unknowingly.   I don't boast in my accomplishments and I certainly don't struggle with being fain or prideful.  

I know I don't have any superhero gifts, like so many people do.  I wouldn't know what to do if someone need any kind of medical attention.  I don't have a head full of knowledgeable facts and figures.  I am no theologian, prophet, priest or king.  I don't have a heart burning to accomplish anything rather grand and glorious.  

I look at some peoples lives and I see great wonderful things.  They are good people doing good for all humanity.  The are kind, gentle, and more humble than I could even imagine.  

I don't really remember what I have set out to accomplish.  I don't really recall some of my lofty dreams, I once had as a young girl.  I at some point wanted to do great and wonderful things.  What has happened?

I certainly don't want to look back at my life and say "what is it that I really did?"  "What marks/ legacy's have I left, if any on the world or in humanity?"  I don't in any shape or form, want to be famous.  I just don't want to be forgotten and more importantly I don't want God to look at me and tell me how much I missed in the process.   I don't want to regret all the things I missed by lurking in the shadows and being too afraid to stand out in the crowd.  

ah, yes,  It's hard to believe as I once loved the spot light, I loved the crowds.  I loved being noticed.   But I do think at times, I have faded away.  

Is it wrong to at times want to be remember like the greats and not so greats?  I  know I will never be as strong as Goliath, famous as Elvis Presley,  as noble Benjamin Franklin, or loving as Mother Teresa.  I don't doubt, that I will just be a name somewhere in a graveyard.  

But my name is written somewhere even more awesome than googles "Most famous people in the world."  It's written in a book far better than anything my mind could created.  God notices me everyday even in the shadows even in my splendors and my failures.  He notices, when I doubt myself or even doubt his plan, his purpose and his love.  He loves me in our imperfections, in my boldness and in my humbleness.   He loves me in all ways, shapes of forms.  

Start Counting...

Oh so often, I start to count all the things that go "wrong."  These range from I don't really like the hair cut or color, or the boy didn't place well at the pinewood derby as I thought he should,  or I am so tired today because I stayed up too late playing minecraft, or why don't my family members call me more often, or I am not getting a bigger tax refund than we normally do.  These are real life complaints I have actually said to myself in my head.

Too often,  I start comparing myself to all those around me. Such as my house isn't as nice as theirs, or my kids aren't perfect in some shape or way,  or even I wish I looked as nice and put together as she does.

Why do we do that?

Why can't we really look at the important things in life?

Why can't we instead count our blessings.
















I often forget how blessed I really am.

I live in a country that allows me many freedoms!
I have a God that loves me in-spite of my many flaws!
I have children that love life and don't seem to want more than I can provide them!
I have a really good marriage even despite my lack of nurturing at times!

Why do we often focus on the negatives than all the positives?
At times, I have to remind myself that we are at war with our sins and our sinful nature.  Satan wants us to count the bad and not the blessings!  God however reminds over and over again to come to him all that is weak and weary!  He gives us rest.  He reminds us how blessed we are not but guilt or shame but out of love and peace.

We need to change our mindsets and start counting the real things that make us who we are.
Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow!  

Head in the Game

There are days, many days to be honest, when I just don't have my 'head in the game.'  I find myself constantly distracted by the things around me, like the drama or enthrallments of some people’s lives.  Or even the materialistic things that hold my attention, but ultimately distract me from the more important things.  

Too often my head just isn’t in the game.  I show up but I have neither the heart nor passion to really play.  This happens at home, at work, at kids events, at church, and social events.  

I recently read Hebrews 12.  To writer sums up the chapter by remaindering of God’s ‘life race’ in which we are all called to run and how since God loves us so he disciplines us in order that we might become more like him. 

I can certainly relate much to a race, as I have been in many in my life.  But it this verse reminded me of my marathon which I ran several years back.  It was by far the hardest race I have ran to date.  I was battling with an unknown vitamin and iron deficiency, which I have struggled with even to this day.  I was tired.  I was worn.  I didn’t show up with my head in the game.  I finished but I remember the disappointment that all the others runners kept passing me and I kept slowing down.  But I finished and though I am proud that I did.  I remember wanting a do over.  I wanted a second chance to show the world that I was able to finish stronger, better, faster. 

It wasn’t until I read Hebrews 12 that I realized how often it is that I look around to the other racers and I compare myself to them.  I look around and see others that having more, nicer things, better looks, better salaries, bigger houses, more likes on facebook.  To be honest, at times it’s the whole reason I don’t have the heart or passion to show up some days.  Though, I know God doesn’t want us to compare ourselves to others, and yet we do it anyway.    

I imagine that the Olympics, Super Bowl, Stanley Cup or even World Series are very important games for athletes.  One of the most important they may ever be a part of.  I imagine if a team makes it to those, they really have to show up with their heads in the game.  As is life, It’s a pretty darn important race for us all. 

We get tired and we slow down at times.  Sometimes we even crawl or God drags us along.  It’s true.   But I know how much God is willing to give us, if we only ask him for it.  He will supply us with more than enough energy and strength to get our heads back in the game.  He went to the ends of the earth and gates of Hell for us once already. 

I know that most days I don’t feel as my race or game isn’t nearly as important as others, but that is simply just a lie and excuse I make up.   If you believe all the lies that are out there you will never finish the race and you will sit there without your head in the game.   

I have to constantly remind myself that my endurance, my speed and my strength don’t come directly from my abilities or true self.  Rather, those things are poured out by a loving father we never lacks wisdom, love or passion.  He gives us things in his timing and for our good, we just have to keep our eyes fixed on him, our legs ready for the run and our heads in the game, long enough for him to tell us we finished strong and he is proud of us.  Listen to him cheering you on because most days he is, we’re just too distracted to look and listen to him because we're too distracted by everyone else.  

Sad reality sometimes...

I just received an email this morning for our college professional development workshops.  Among the list of course offered some include:  

• Unlawful Harassment Prevention for Higher Education Staff
• Preventing Discrimination and Sexual Violence: Title IX and the SaVE Act for Faculty and Staff

and most terrifying ...

• Active Shooter Response for Higher Education

It's not uncommon to have classes such as these, but  I have been thinking much about the innocence lost and how the world is so very dark, cold and dangerous.  

We have to prepare ourselves for just about anything and the sad reality is at times our world is extremely dreadful.  

A few weeks ago, my daughter watched a show with my husband and I, which ended on a very twisted and dark resolution.  It wasn't the happy-go lucky ending we had thought it would be.  It left you feeling melancholy and somewhat icky.  It was a moment that I thought to myself, I can never take that back from her mind.  She can't "unknow" that those terrible things that really do happen in life.  She is a sweet young lady full of love and grace and that show was nothing of that.  We certainly would have never let her watch it had we known that the outcome was so grim.  

Yet, she now knows a little better that our world is full of sin and sinners.  

We live in such a sad reality here, where I have to sometimes wonder if a armed gunman would show up at my school and shot people.  It's happened all around the world, it could certainly happen here.

It's sad to think that innocent people are way too often exposed to harassment and abuse: physical, mental and even sexual.  It's even sad to think that we have to be taught how to recognize these things.  

Fact is our world/ our reality is many times dark, cold and dangerous.  

I can't imagine those people who have absolutely no hope in what is to come.  I know that all of these trials, tribulations and terror isn't the end of this story.  We have the hope of a savior.  Someday soon, he will rescue us from this dark pit of sin and sorrow. 

It's important to me, to know that and teach my children that even in the darkest hours, when all seems lost -- we have hope and can find joy in the arms of Jesus.    It's amazing how God reminds us of his grace.