She's not 39... Anymore...

Over 20 years ago when I was in high school, my youth group leader Bonnie was turning 40.

Jim (her husband) and I rewrote the lyrics to I can't cry anymore by Sheryl Crow and sang "She's not 39 anymore..."

Funny how I somewhat forgot about that and now... Soon I'll be singing that myself.

I don't quiet recall at the age of 16 where I wanted to be when I turned forty but I'm pretty sure I wanted to be much like Bonnie.

She was a pretty epic person and considering I didn't deserve her love she gave it so freely.

I've been reflecting alot on the person I was then and the person I am today. I'm amazed where and how I traveled and the journey in which God lead me. I often wondering, where did the days and years go?

I'm not sure I really recall what my 16 year old self would be at   at my  16 year would be at age 40. l daughter look a lot at my daughter and an reminded of the youthfulness and sence of adventure. 

Turing 40 is strange and so real but one things for sure I won't be 39 anymore.

Unfinished

I start a lot of painting that get pretty far along and then something happens and they remain unfinished.

There's usually a good explanation as to why I don't finish it..

It's almost as I lose interest or lose the desire to finish it.  Perhaps I'm just afraid I'll mess it up, as there have been times I keep painting and then things went sideways and I ruined it.  I find myself saying: "If I only didn't put that green there."

The other and more often excuse is I just become uninspired or interested in it.  I get stuck and just give up. I find myself saying "This isn't really that good..."  File it away to maybe someday I'll finish that.  Often times those "ruts" remain unfinished.

It's made me wonder if they're others things in my life that I treat like unfinished paints.

The answer is yes.. there are quite a few things I start then quit along the way.  I have probably 30 started blog post that have a few sentences or a couple paragraphs.  I will start a really important goal and then just give up on the pursuit.

Sometimes I wonder where I am in God's studio.  Am I getting closer to being completed or do I have a long way to go.  For now I feel very unfinished but I know he who started a good work in me will complete it I'll and I'll be a masterpiece.

Distributions and unimportant

As I put in my notice for my job, I knew there was going to be challenges... 

Hard goodbyes and missed opportunities.

Fears and doubts.

Bitterness and resentment.

But what I found out through this process was how unimportant I was on some levels, as I was told they wouldn't be filling my job.

As my job tasks started getting distributed amongst the remaining team, I was struck with the impression that my job was relevant and unimportant.  I certainly know may not be true but it was a humble reminder.

Jesus doesn't want us to make idols and he certainly doesn't want us to be prideful in the things we do or the things we have.

For me... a good career, a good title, a nice paycheck are idols.

For me... Getting praise and glory from others are idols.

When people brush me off so easily, I wonder if I was ever important and why people didn't see my beautiful idols.  Ha.

This process is reminding me... In many ways .. it's not about me.  Throughout my life journey God has to keep reminding me that I shouldn't care so much of the things of this world and I really need to fix my eyes on things above.

God is slowly making me into a beautiful woman with a beautiful spirit.  I certainly can't let anything stand in the way of that.

So during this transition, as God reminds me to throw away the idols... I choose to not care so much about being distributed and unimportant.

Be happy

My daughter was telling me about an article she read that said the only way to be happy was to live a simple life.

I told her that though there is some truth to it... There was more to that statement and more to pursing happiness.

Knowing how she operates...I explained that often times we consider happiness the end destination.

Once I do X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy.
Or
Once I buy X, Y, Z... Then I'll be happy.

I told her that happiness was the journey and though the destination might make you happy, often times it's fleeting.  If you're not happy in the journey/ the here in now, then you're not pursing the right things. 

I used some of my favorite examples...

If you want to run a marathon but you absolutely hate running.. Why give yourself a goal you don't enjoy. If you're not enjoying the journey to the goal then why are you doing it.. most people might say no one enjoys running but that's not true.

Or

If you save up all your money for those new shoes but then your never where then because you don't want them to get ruined..  because life had taught you that the first time You wore them it rained and they got ruined.  But if you don't enjoy the things you have and you slow fear to plague you, then why did you waste your money in the first place.

Life is hard and it's often messy.  We won't always be happy...

But often times we forget to enjoy the little things because we're too focused on the big.. down the road things. (I'm so guilty if this...)  We say to ourselves... I'll be happy later and then later never comes.

So my challenge is to live a simple life and be happy here and now as much as possible... As often as possible. 

Fruit Roll-up

A co-worker of mine just told me a story that he remembered from the fourth grade.

He started off that his mom would daily pack his lunch and include a fruit roll up.  Those are a big deal to kids.  I never got a fruit roll up in my lunches but I remember those kids who did.

One day he got his lunch out of his cubby and his fruit roll up was gone. He knew who took his snack but even though he was upset he didn't say anything. 

When he went home that afternoon,  he told his mom who stole and how upset he was.  His whole day was off because he didn't have his snack.

She told him that he wasn't allowed to retaliate.  The next morning his mom gave him his lunch which included: two fruit roll-ups.  She told him that he was to give the extra one to the girl who took his the day prior.

He did.  He didn't say anything about her stealing it but that today he had brought an extra for her to have. 

He chuckled as he said she never stole it again but what struck me was the pure kindness his mom taught him.

Clearly it had an impact as he still remembered the story even after 30 years.

Too often we covet and we sometimes steal, because we just want what others have.  Or we're the ones that people are stealing from and we often get so upset that people take what isn't theirs.

Sometimes God can teach us much about kindness and forgiveness with just two Fruit Roll ups.

James N Gordon

The other day I got a letter... From Jim Gordon.

Made me think and reflect on my time spent with him.. And here's my conclusion:

Jim was a jerk. Don’t worry, I made sure I told him that every chance I could.  He was completely irresponsible at times.  He drove recklessly and had been known to take short-cuts that weren’t really short cuts at all.  I even once saw him write a letter to someone while he was driving.   He was selfish and not a great husband.  He hurt his beautiful wife too many times to count. 

He lacked fashion sense.  He had crazy hair and wore the ugliest green sweater vest.  He was egotistical.  He was so boastful in himself and would go on record that certain things were only funny when he did them.  He would make fun of you in a heartbeat, even at a wedding… even if you were the bride and it was during the ceremony.   He had the most obnoxious laugh.  He knew how to embarrass you in public and he would do it every chance he could.  He would probably tell you that he was the worst sinner of them all, just as humbling as Paul wrote to Timothy. 

Jim was a jerk and had so many flaws…but don't we all?

Jim Gordon had something most of us lack.  He had a certain charisma that you can’t quite put in words.  He had a spirit you couldn't generate or copy even if you tried.  He dedicated his live to love people where they were, but also to challenge them NOT to stay there.  He didn't buy into the whole status quo and he certainly wasn't the worlds standard of a guy.  

He gave his time to just sit with you and shoot the shit.  He made people feel special even if they were strangers.  He would give the shirt off his back, if you need it.  He could make you laugh even when you had nothing to even smile about. He planted small seeds of faith in so many people. He figured out the key to life and he lived it out beautifully.  He knew how to fart around and He knew how to love like Jesus.  

Even now years later... I want to be a little more like Jim... Farting around and loving like Jesus.

Run down and worn out

I'm a go go go.. Girl.  I don't really know the true meaning of "resting" because I'm always a get it done and then off to the next thing.

I guess when you've trained for a marathon being highly anemic you can find the energy to do about anything.

Even now, I'm starting to feel a bit worn down and wondering if I'm starting to get sick, I'm thinking of all the things I have to get done. 

I'm constantly being yelled at by my husband, that I don't rest and I don't take good care of myself.  But isn't that somewhat the life of a 'working' wife and mom... To be self-sacrificing and wanting to make sure everything is the best it can be even when you're a little worn down? 

I'm getting better at taking care of myself but not nearly as good as my husband would like.  I can't tell the world to just stop because I'm tried.  I'm not wired that way and even when I'm resting I'm still thinking, planning or making my lists.

I know that he only has my best interest at heart, but often times when I'm starting to get sick it burned it I'm humbly reminded at Christ sacrifice for me.  The pain he went through.  My stuffy nose and sore throat are nothing compared to his suffering. 

My "non rest" attitude is centered on the passion to do everything Christ had called me to do.  I remember that marathon so well and how I had to depend on Christ to get me to the finish line.  God doesn't want us to me to suffer but though that I persevere. 

I recognize my stubbornness but I also recognize that Jesus gives me rest, the strength and power to push on. 

So the next time (and the next... And the next...)  I'm feeling run down and worn out... I'll keep turning to Jesus and I'll truly rest when he calls me home.