Facebook and this extrovert

I have been on Facebook since 2006.  It’s been an extremely useful tool for me to reconnect with so many wonderful people who have been in or are currently my life – long friends from primary, middle and high school, distant relatives living across the US and around the world, current friends and peers from church, work, school and the neighborhood. 

How did we connect with all these wonderful people when we didn’t have Facebook?

Being and extrovert – most people often know how I am ‘doing’ with just the expression on my face.   My co-workers know when I don’t agree with something or hold a difference of opinion.   I seem like a pretty open book to most people.   It’s true, I was the kid that danced on the kitchen table just to get a few laughs or threw the board game when I wasn’t winning.  And if you do that long enough – no one really takes you that serious and not many people ever stop to actually read your pages of your life.  Ever. 

99% of my friends, family don’t really know how highly sensitive, emotional and deep I can be.   Because those people still see a me as a that silly, outgoing, egotistical, goof-off.  My motto in life became ‘if the shoe fits – why not?’   I learned to wear a smile and hide my true feelings- phenomenally. 

I have become a master of disguise, so to speak.  I build a very, very large fortress around my heart.  Only that 1% of people I know, have really ever been invited into my fortress and seen my heart fully exposed.   Everyone else will never see my daily struggles, fears, or iniquities – which are far greater than I would ever truly admit.    

I believe in transparency for many things – accounting, internal controls, policy and procedures, government, scotch tape, parenting, and especially in marriage.   I think it’s important to be an open book when it comes to many things.  But I see how we have become highly opaque in our social media.  No one wants to be that vulnerable.  Not even this extrovert. 

I just read someone say “Facebook is a great tool to exchange thoughts, images, photos, laughs, suggestions, inspiration, and many other valuable things, but in many ways it's a facade.”  How true. 

We choose what friends see.  We choose what the world sees.  Some people are genuine.  Some people air their dirty laundry.  Some people post nothing and only watch.  Some people only show the 'good' stuff.  We choose our social media personalities, all the while hiding who we really are.   I highly believe privacy is important and I never post private matters, so I don’t anticipate my friends to do otherwise.  But what I have discovered by never showing my vulnerability or my heart, I am only building up my fortress higher and higher.   And by doing so for so long, I found that I am more cynical, angry, judgmental and jealous.   I put on that smile day after day, when really my heart is hurting.  

So here’s my thing:  Extroverts needs people and as an extrovert I need people.  Real people.   I know that people 'online' aren’t real.  We’re all just a bunch of Pinocchios (self-included.)   And at the end of the day, Facebeook doesn’t fulfill my need to be energized by real human interactions.   Facebook is not a good substitute for real relationships and that's what I need in my life right now.  

Don’t get me wrong, I love, love, love, love reading and seeing my friends’ adventures,  the family trips, the celebrations of birth and marriage, and all the  other wonderful inspirational things.  But at the end of the day, I am still deflated.  I am still hiding in my fortress, longing for more people knocked on my door.  I would love for you to get to know me more, but that’s never going to happen on Facebook. 

So, I have deleted the Facebook application off my phone.  I realized how many times a day do I look at all my facebook notifications on my phone.  In addition, I have deleted the bookmark shortcut off my computers – both work and home.   Not because I am breaking up with Facebook or taking a stand against technology, but rather as a reminder to myself.   A reminder, that I need more interaction with people... I don't want to be lazy friend anymore.  It’s too easy to just look at the news feed and see how everyone’s "doing" and calling it a day.   Because chances are... if my friends are anything like me,  that’s not really sharing how they are really doing and I need to make more of an effort to get out of my Facebook fortress and be more real and be a better friend. 

Why I have a blog. Hint: It's not really for you.

I don’t really expect anyone to ever truly read my blog.   I don’t really publish many postings out there to sites where people would come to visit me here.   I am not famous or even highly interesting most days of my life.   I am not wise or smart.   My English and grammar are to be desired.   I know that I believe way too much in Capitalization, Commas and - Hyphens.   Honestly I don’t have anything really interesting to say most days. 

I am just a girl struggling as much as the next person trying to figure out this crazy thing we call - life.  Every now and then, I have a thought that I just can’t keep hidden inside anymore.  We all got something to say every now and again, right?  So every now and again, I blog.

I won’t lie, I have many unpublished postings.   I may have thought one day a posting would bring new meaning to my simple decent life, but they have become just another unfinished post or even just a title. 

  Some of those include:

•    Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I am angry...
•   What's in your tool box?
•  Humbly His Part, 1, 2 and 3   
•   Hard Working Women
•  Previous Life (Part 1 and Part 2)
•  Who's in Charge here...

Come to think of it the truth is, most of my life is unpublished.   I bet almost everyone has a most of their life unpublished (excluding narcissists of course.)  I would say most people could care less if anyone really got a glimpse of what they are thinking or feeling.  As I do - most of the time.  

I have recently indicated, if you read my blog, that my heart is protected by a fortress.   I could joke that I have a tendency of walking on the mines I’d laid. 

You may get that, you may not?   But what I have learned: we all live in similar 'prisons.'  We all have 'secrets' or even insight we keep all buried up inside.   

Having a blog has made me realize, I don’t have to stay inside my fortress all the time.   It gives me permission to get out of my comfort zone.   Be vulnerable.   Open up the curtains for just a moment to let the big bad world see inside.   I don’t want to leave a life where my loved ones will have to clear out all the ‘clutter’ when I am long gone.   

I often struggle with not wanting people to know who I really am – who I am most days.  Which honestly is a mess and highly non-entertaining.   I am happy, healthy and by God’s grace- loved!  Loved by many people, who do care about what I have to say even if they do or do not read my blog.   

I blog to remind myself that God is actively in my life- fighting to show me what it means to live and love.  To remind myself that being published isn’t always a scary thing.  To not be afraid of ‘being out there’ in the world.   We will always have challenges – I try to write about them as I face them.  Sometimes it’s easier than others.  Sometimes God fills me with the wisdom to discern them.   Maybe I blog to remind myself over and over again the things I keep learning and yet keep forgetting.  You may find them unimportant to you and that doesn't hurt my feelings.  

But when I am aimlessly wondering the desert time and again- wondering what it is I really need in life or need to be doing or thinking or feeling.   When it’s all said and done and I figure out my own nonsense – I am free, grateful, and I try at times to blog about it.  Hence, I blog and it's not really for you at all.  

Another mission trip... not like the last...

When I first learned that our church was sending a group to 'babysit' kids in the Caribbean – I instantly wanted to be part of that.  The details made the trip even more and more enticing and I waited patiently to see if God would invite me to be part of the VBS team... and he did.

It's true, I act like a pretty big kid most of the time.  I sing, dance, make a fool of myself many times within any given day.  Most adults are highly embarrassed to be seen with me, when I am in my fun loving kid mode.  But I tell you that childlike spirit was exactly what I needed for this special mission trip.

For this trip, I was asked to lead the VBS classroom for the 5-6 year old missionary children, whose parents serve in Latin America and Africa.  I am very well diverse in middle schoolers but have survived raising two kids that once where the ages 5-6, so how hard could it be? 

Let me start off to say, I have a new found respect for teachers of 5-6 year olds.  I quickly learned that my childlike funnest wasn't nearly enough. 

I spent five days with 14 little people and after those five days - exhaustion was an understatement.  I gave everything I had to love those kids,  teach them about God's love, entertain them, make them feel special and make their week at 'some' missionary retreat a true blessing.  

I would tell anyone that I had THE best class ever!  I had some of the kindest children I have ever met in life.  After only one day with them, they had already opened their hearts and let us be a part of their lives.  I joked with many of them that I wanted to take them home.  

We had a blast - playing games, singing songs and just being together.  
That's what it was all about for these precious kids.  Being together with other kids that are in the same situation as themselves.  

They are foreigners in foreign lands.  They don't see their grandparents or extended families often.  They don't really belong to any one place,  not to where they came from or where they are currently living. They live a bit of a difficult life not because they choose it, but because their parents were called into one of the hardest/greatest ministries you can be called into - the great commission.  They live out the gospel each and everyday - in a place that's not really their home.

These "M.K's" are adaptable.  They are great with change and flexibility.  They are use to it.  You would think them to be reserved or sheltered but they are caring and kind.   They will love you after 10 minutes of knowing you.  And they can have fun with the simplest of things - like a giant inflatable named Sammy.  

What this experience taught me was, even those these kids appear to be overlooked,  living in the spiritual war zone - up close and personal, they have the spirit of love.  These children were way more than I am- most days.  They showed up excited and full of life, where as I show up needing a double espresso.  Sure they are kids and that's what youth is all about.  But, they  weren't  jaded or cynical, as they have a right to be.  They weren't perfect but they sure reminded me why Jesus loves children so much and what it means to have faith like a child.  

I gave them all I had.  In retrospect in such a short time they deserve that and so much more than me.  My fellow team would shriek when they saw the kids running up to us yelling "Ms. Heather, Ms. Heather."   Hugging and singing to us. 

The children's enthusiasm and love was priceless and worth being utterly exhausted and overwhelmed.

The reality for me is, most likely they will soon forget my name.  They will forget all the fun we had in that short week.  They will forget many things.  But they will continue to grow up, across the world.  They will be full of love for the next teacher and adults that come into their life.  They will continue to be shaped into the person God has set out for them.  Just as God does in each of us.   Life goes on and we grow from each experience.  

For me, and each new experience God lays before me, I am constantly reminded of HIS eternal love and grace - this time it came from 'babysitting' a bunch of silly seahorses in the Caribbean.   

After 15 years.. 15 random facts I have learned about marriage and life

After 15 years of marriage.. here are 15 random facts I have learned so far:

1. I married a sinner, so I have learned much about forgiveness and how to forgive.  However, he also married a sinner, so I have learned how to seek forgiveness and be reconciled.  I have cried many tears over sin that has affected my life.  Both His and my own.  If married you must be willing and able to forgive and ask for forgiveness, pretty much daily. 

2. Having children is one of the most rewarding and selfless things you'll every "do" in life, but you have to remember your marriage came first.  I joke with my husband that we'll have each other again when the kids leave home, but that's not good enough.  Your marriage is more important than parenting.  Your kids will use your marriage and apply that to their lives... make it a true romance.  

3. Communication is key.  If you don't talk, then walls will build and love can die.  Tell the truth, talk daily, talk often, share your feelings and listen wholeheartedly.  Even if it's just sharing a cup of tea or coffee on the front porch after the kids are in bed, make time to communicate.

4. Don't compare your life or marriage to others.  Everyone is different and some things come easier or harder.  Just because someone makes it look easy, doesn't mean they have it easy.  Most of the time they are faking it or winging it.  

5. Be content.  Wishing for something different or your spouse to be different will only cause strive.  You don't have to keep up with the Jones or have everything your hearts desire.  The grass may look greener... but most likely it's just being watered more.  Which brings me to number six....

6. Be willing to work hard for a great marriage.  You have to be willing to put in long hard hours.  A marriage should be treated as a marathon or a triathlon not a sprint.  If you're not tired, you're not working hard enough.  When you hit a wall, keep going, push through.  No one said you would have it easy, you just have to never give up.

7. Sickness and heath.. cancer can put it all on to perspective.  When they wheel your loved one into OR, you will remember it all and cherish it all.  You will pray like you've never prayed before.  No one really thinks much of this vows on their wedding day, but it is one of the benevolent one you make.

8. Sacrifice.  You can't always get what you want.  Being married teaches you much about making sacrifices - almost daily.  If you're not willing to put your loved one first, don't get married.  The biggest thing you will sacrifice in a marriage is your personal time.  And most of time if you're lucky like me, it won't feel like a sacrifice at all.

9. Be positive.  It's so easy to fall into the negative Nelly mindset.  Though your spouse can be there to listen to you vent at times, it's not fair to complain about every little thing.  Yes we carry each other's burdens, we encourage and we listen but it's important to be positive and optimist.  Life is stressful and will always be.  

10. Love and respect each other.  It's important to know if your spouse drives on being loved or being respected.  Great book written by Dr. Emerson Eggerich called Love and Respect.  If you haven't read it, go buy it.  It will teach you much more about your spouse than I could ever enlighten you with.

11. Have lots of Sex with you spouse.  Yes, I said it (added the spouse part, just in case you needed that clarification.)  Don't be stingy with sharing your love in this form.  Do it as often as possible.  It's not always easy to do. Don't make excuses or wait till the mood is right.   Most of the time it won't be and most of the time you really have lots of other important things to do.  But being intimate is so very important in marriage and this is the best way for it.  

12. Serve one another.  If I ask: My husband will get me anything from the kitchen I desire.  He willingly rubs my back or feet if they are hurting.  He will help me tear down walls if I am in need of an additional home improvement project.  He knows how to serve me.  It's important to do the little things to show you're loved one how much you love them, and the best way to do that is through service. 

13.  Be each others advocate. I found that it's highly important to be each other's cheerleaders.  Encourage and pray for them often.  You should never talk bad (or down) about your spouse to others.  It can be an easy thing to fall trap into, but I have seen firsthand what happens when you aren't standing up for your spouse or being their biggest supporter during a "life" attack.   

14.  Laugh.  It's highly important to have a great sense of humor in marriage and in life.  Life can be too serious.. most all of the time.  My children, coworkers and friends have learned that my husband and I are big kids- most of time.  We laugh, play games, run around acting and dancing silly.  Life is short, make it fun and laugh as often has possible.

15. Have Faith in God.  You have the right to disagree with me.  BUT, I have found that nothing is more important in life than having a loving relationship with Jesus Christ.  When you love God, only then you can love others unselfishly and fully.  When I am fully faithful to my Lord.. I have a great marriage.  When I am not... we roam around aimlessly trying our best to make it work... and we fail.  

Here's to the next 15 years!