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Here I am Lord??

A dear friend of ours shared something deeply personal with us this weekend. He told us how he has been praying for our family, specifically that Tim would go to seminary and begin preparing for world missions again.

He became emotional as he shared how much my mission testimony had impacted him. He said he had been praying that God would show him ways to support us as we seek to go wherever He calls.

This brings up so many mixed emotions for me.

About seven years ago, we were on that path. We were ready and willing to go, but God closed that door faster than we had opened it. Looking back, we knew we weren't ready. Now, seven years later, I honestly don't know that I want to open that door again.

But what I keep asking myself is: why?

My list of reasons for wanting to stay right where I am is pretty long:

  1. Our lives are here. Friends, church, family, school, work.
  2. I have a great job that I love. It provides well for our family, and I work with some amazing people.
  3. God is already using us here. Tim serves as a deacon, and we co-lead a sixth-grade youth group. We are raising our children to love and follow God right where we are.
  4. I have significant student loan debt and other financial responsibilities.
  5. I like it here. The weather, the people, the familiarity.
  6. We're not ready. Tim's not ready.
  7. I have my children to think about and worry about.
  8. The kids have lives here too. Friends, swim team, AHG, Scouts, and so much more.
  9. I have social and economic responsibilities.
  10. We don't walk as closely with the Lord as we should.
  11. I'm a hypocrite more often than I'd like to admit. I'm a sinner who sometimes wonders what business I have teaching anyone anything.
  12. Not now, Lord. Maybe later.
  13. I'm comfortable.

When I read that list back to myself, sometimes it just sounds like, "Blah, blah, blah."

Excuses.

Deep down, I've always known this day might come. And now that it seems to be approaching, I'm scared.

Just scared.

Over the past few years, I feel like God has been positioning me, preparing me for something. I just didn't know what that something was. Is this really what it's all been leading to?

While we were in Honduras, one of the missionaries looked at me quite seriously and asked, "When are you coming?"

I laughed.

She didn't.

When she asked why I laughed, I started explaining a few things from my list above. When I got to, "I'm comfortable," she immediately replied:

"Don't tell me that, or I'll pray even harder for you."

I've been carrying around so many mixed emotions and doubts. Part of me wonders if we're truly not ready.

But is that the truth?

Or am I simply afraid of the unknown?

Am I too comfortable in my own little world?

I often joke that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Better yet, I joke that I'm Peter Pan and never will grow up.

But maybe this is what God has been preparing me for all along.

So my prayer today is simple:

"Here I am, Lord. Lead me to Your purpose and Your plan, whatever that may be."



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