Having a teenage daughter = the beginning of many let downs and disappointments. As a young women and mother it's certainly hard to try and pick up your children after being let down and not getting something they really wanted.
The most recent one for our family was yesterday.
My daughter doesn't have the one special talent that she shines at. She does a lot of thing good but nothing on the level of brilliant. She isn't perfect and she is way more competitive than I would like her to be.
She makes use a lot of really great talents she has. She's artistic on many different levels including visual arts, drama and music, she's sporty and the only 13 year old I know to run a half marathon, she's smart even though she struggles with reading, and most important she has a kind gentle beautiful heart.
What happens too often in our young girls is they see at an early age... things that hinder them most of their lives. Things that we as parents are constantly trying to erase from their minds and hearts.
1. We try so hard for our daughter to NOT compare herself to others. What I tell her constantly is that God made everyone different with different looks, talents, skills, and personalities. Even as an adult, I see me comparing myself to others constantly. Because of not accepting who I was and comparing myself I was a jealous, scared, untalented little girl and it was really all in my head. I encourage my daughter to let people inspire here not intimated her. I tell her to align herself with people who will build her up not tear her down. It's a hard task to find good wholesome people but what a wonderful world it would be if we all stopped comparing ourselves to one another.
2. I am constantly trying to have my daughter recognize her strengths and not dwell on her weaknesses. It took a long time to overcome the fact that my daughter is a terrible reader but her brain jumbles the letters and she's just not the same kind of reader as others her age. She was miserable and had so much self doubt. We all have weaknesses that we are ashamed of. No one is perfect and though we can overcome many of our challenges and weaknesses what we must really look towards is our strengths and gifts. We can walk on water if we had faith to do so, we just have too much self-doubt because we're constantly pointing out each other's weaknesses.
3. Cut out negative people. This is hard to do because there are negative people all around us. I often think about the people who have my back in times of trouble. I have many negative nellies around, but the people I let in my inter circle are people who got my back; who have complimentary skills to motivate, mentor, educate, love me even in times when I am unlovable. I am the type of person who don't need people telling me I can't.. I need people to tell me You can. I already really know what I can't do, I look for people who tell me to do it anyway and prove myself wrong. My daughter has had to cut some of these people out of her life already. The ones that only care about growing up too fast, and don't care that right now it's ok to not grow up too fast. She's had to cut out some attention seekers because she's just trying to survive middle school and don't need any additional drama.
4. Be a leader even when no one is looking. This is hard for some people to understand and may seem like a lot of pressure for a teenager. But who you are when no one is looking should be who you are when they are looking at you. Peer Pressure is real even for a 30 something year old mom, keeping up with the Jones and sometimes looked down upon because she's not a stay home mom. I have read a lot, a lot, a lot, about what it takes to be a good leader and actions that make you anything but. I told my daughter that being a leader is standing up for the person being bullied, doing the right thing even when you know it won't be pretty in the end. I recently watched a movie that the main football player turned himself in for drinking at a party and his whole team hated him. He persevered and in the end was a far better leader doing the right thing even though it had it's disadvantages. It's can certainly a recipes for instant let downs and disappointments... but that's what it's all about...
5. It's ok to fail... and be ready for many failures. I know I get so many strange faces when I honestly tell people that I hope my kids face trials and tribulations. They look at me as though I don't love them, but my response is ... that's why I love them. I want them to know what pressure is and when they fail they can grow. I have found that I have done my best growing in times I failed, i.e. I wasn't picked, didn't get accepted, was cast aside. It's when I had to fall to my knees and give up control, only then was I able to blossom and shine. I know that through let downs and disappointments God is at work and in his timing an by his grace we can be privileged to do great things. I told my daughter that sometimes what screws us up the most is the picture in our heads of how it's suppose to be. But God is always at work and he always has our backs.
So I did my best to motivate and help my daughter (once again) to help pick her up. I was reminding her that let downs and disappointments are a fact of life. We will have many ups, downs, and people will hurt us. Our society often tells us to never let someone do that (be brave/ strong independent,) or to never really expect things from people to avoid being disappointed (Be jaded / cynical/ trust no one.) But that's not the way it should be. We are aloud to cry and be mad and be sad when we're disappointed. Get it out, let it out and then remember the words of Martin Luther King "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." Hope is what many people have lost and that's one thing I told her is important to never lose.
The most recent one for our family was yesterday.
My daughter doesn't have the one special talent that she shines at. She does a lot of thing good but nothing on the level of brilliant. She isn't perfect and she is way more competitive than I would like her to be.
She makes use a lot of really great talents she has. She's artistic on many different levels including visual arts, drama and music, she's sporty and the only 13 year old I know to run a half marathon, she's smart even though she struggles with reading, and most important she has a kind gentle beautiful heart.
What happens too often in our young girls is they see at an early age... things that hinder them most of their lives. Things that we as parents are constantly trying to erase from their minds and hearts.
1. We try so hard for our daughter to NOT compare herself to others. What I tell her constantly is that God made everyone different with different looks, talents, skills, and personalities. Even as an adult, I see me comparing myself to others constantly. Because of not accepting who I was and comparing myself I was a jealous, scared, untalented little girl and it was really all in my head. I encourage my daughter to let people inspire here not intimated her. I tell her to align herself with people who will build her up not tear her down. It's a hard task to find good wholesome people but what a wonderful world it would be if we all stopped comparing ourselves to one another.
2. I am constantly trying to have my daughter recognize her strengths and not dwell on her weaknesses. It took a long time to overcome the fact that my daughter is a terrible reader but her brain jumbles the letters and she's just not the same kind of reader as others her age. She was miserable and had so much self doubt. We all have weaknesses that we are ashamed of. No one is perfect and though we can overcome many of our challenges and weaknesses what we must really look towards is our strengths and gifts. We can walk on water if we had faith to do so, we just have too much self-doubt because we're constantly pointing out each other's weaknesses.
3. Cut out negative people. This is hard to do because there are negative people all around us. I often think about the people who have my back in times of trouble. I have many negative nellies around, but the people I let in my inter circle are people who got my back; who have complimentary skills to motivate, mentor, educate, love me even in times when I am unlovable. I am the type of person who don't need people telling me I can't.. I need people to tell me You can. I already really know what I can't do, I look for people who tell me to do it anyway and prove myself wrong. My daughter has had to cut some of these people out of her life already. The ones that only care about growing up too fast, and don't care that right now it's ok to not grow up too fast. She's had to cut out some attention seekers because she's just trying to survive middle school and don't need any additional drama.
4. Be a leader even when no one is looking. This is hard for some people to understand and may seem like a lot of pressure for a teenager. But who you are when no one is looking should be who you are when they are looking at you. Peer Pressure is real even for a 30 something year old mom, keeping up with the Jones and sometimes looked down upon because she's not a stay home mom. I have read a lot, a lot, a lot, about what it takes to be a good leader and actions that make you anything but. I told my daughter that being a leader is standing up for the person being bullied, doing the right thing even when you know it won't be pretty in the end. I recently watched a movie that the main football player turned himself in for drinking at a party and his whole team hated him. He persevered and in the end was a far better leader doing the right thing even though it had it's disadvantages. It's can certainly a recipes for instant let downs and disappointments... but that's what it's all about...
5. It's ok to fail... and be ready for many failures. I know I get so many strange faces when I honestly tell people that I hope my kids face trials and tribulations. They look at me as though I don't love them, but my response is ... that's why I love them. I want them to know what pressure is and when they fail they can grow. I have found that I have done my best growing in times I failed, i.e. I wasn't picked, didn't get accepted, was cast aside. It's when I had to fall to my knees and give up control, only then was I able to blossom and shine. I know that through let downs and disappointments God is at work and in his timing an by his grace we can be privileged to do great things. I told my daughter that sometimes what screws us up the most is the picture in our heads of how it's suppose to be. But God is always at work and he always has our backs.
So I did my best to motivate and help my daughter (once again) to help pick her up. I was reminding her that let downs and disappointments are a fact of life. We will have many ups, downs, and people will hurt us. Our society often tells us to never let someone do that (be brave/ strong independent,) or to never really expect things from people to avoid being disappointed (Be jaded / cynical/ trust no one.) But that's not the way it should be. We are aloud to cry and be mad and be sad when we're disappointed. Get it out, let it out and then remember the words of Martin Luther King "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." Hope is what many people have lost and that's one thing I told her is important to never lose.
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