It's January, and just over a month ago we lost our last grandfather. Now a month later my family (excluding my husband's grandmother) is getting ready to lose our last living grandparent. She will soon be with my grandfather and her husband of 68 years. When home for my grandfather's funeral I remember being in the house that they have lived in most of their life together and thinking to myself... "It seemed much bigger when I was a child."
If I am honest with myself and honest with you, I will admit that my grandmother didn't rather much like us (excluding my oldest sister and father.) She played the favorites game and I remember her yelling at me more than hugging me. I also remember going to school with my cousin who's birthday was a couple months after mine and he would show me all the cool things my grandmother gave him. In which I received nothing for my birthday just months earlier. I sometimes blame my grandmothers attitude and actions towards my family, as the reason my family is the way it is... kinda broken on many levels. Needless to say, I wasn't close with my grandparents as I became an teen and adult. I moved away and when I did come home occasionally I saw them here and there but I didn't make much of an effort to be part of their lives. Sadly there is some regret - on my behalf.
My grandfather was a meek mild man. He was retired as long as I was alive but he always had that blue collar mentality and worked hard around the house. I remember him kissing me on the cheek and pinching at my dimples. He would show us all the animals and even though I don't remember any deep conversations, I knew who he was. My grandmother on the other hand is loud and vocal. She has a distinctive laugh. I remember thinking how cool it was that "My grandma" drove a motorcycle. I put that on my own bucket list to be a motorcycle driving grandma. I remember coveting her dust buster and she never wanted me to touch it because she said I was going to break it. She kept it behind the couch in the corner of the living room and I would crawl back there to see it. I peeked behind the couch when I was home last month, it wasn't there and I would have been surprised if it was there- but I still smiled thinking about that dust buster. My grandparents weren't super spiritual, they weren't high society, they were just your average married old couple, they had been through a lot of good and bad things.
When it comes to reflecting an 89 year old life you can't help but think about your own legacy. Family legacy is the accomplishments, beliefs, actions and guidance you demonstrate in your life - that carries forward to future generations. At times I wonder how much of who I am today is in fact a direct link to those who lived before me - specifically my grandparents, parents and siblings.
I am not really 'close' with any one in my family (excluding husband and kids) and when I think as to why it's because I had one of those shitty kinda childhood. I was the bratty little sister that no one wanted to be around and often they told me they didn't want to be around me. It's not easy growing up with the lie of You're worthless or a burden or too (insert word here that describes your childhood.) It's true that God can redeem even the "bad stuff" in your legacy. Sadly many of us struggle to over come all those negative emotional legacy that hinder our ability to live a life of peace and prosperity. I myself have set high boundaries with my family thinking this is the best practice for me not to getting hurt again. Let me tell you it still doesn't always work out like I think it should.
I can't tell you enough I was lucky that Christ found me in the mist of all my struggles and disappointments as a young teenager. I am even more grateful that I found my husband who shares some of those emotional legacies we've been given. Together we have decided that no matter what has happened or will happen that in Christ anything is possible and nothing impossible.
Even now, As I wait for the call that my grandmother is gone, I am thankful for those struggles and it has helped me desire to know and be like HIM more. People often tell me that I seem like a exciting outgoing mom /wife/ person. It's true I want my home to be known for warmth, affectionate and fun times. I want my kids to know that they are loved, respected, unique, wonderfully and fearfully made. At times it can be a constant burden to rise above and "be more/ better" than you what you had growing up and without Christ, I am not sure how some people do it. Without Christ I am just that bratty little girl who be stuck in that pit of self-worth struggles and stuck in my sin and sorrow.
I know we can't pick our family, our situations, our family legacy but we can rise above any diversity and any struggle. We have to be willing to invest by demonstrating unconditional love and soul for serving others - pretty much all the time. We have to make time to forgive others and love them even when they never showed love to you. When it comes to your legacy ... don't be too disappointed at where it really all began but where it will all ends.
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