I started to paint a very colorful picture, that I started to really love how it was coming out. Most of the time I don't love my artwork, but find it to be rather nice/ tolerable. But this painting was a bit different. I really loved it and in that moment, I wanted to give it to a friend that was(is) going through a rough moment in life. I thought of her as I was paining it and I told my daughter I wanted to give it to her. She said "you should."
I second guessed myself and was trying to talk myself out of giving it to her. I said, oh it would seem strange me giving her a painting. But the Holy Spirit prompted me and reassured that I should give it to her.
That afternoon after the paint dried, I wrapped the painting up and drove to her house. I rang her door bell and she and her family came to the door. With my heart pounding, I smiled and said "I painted you a picture." I know it must have been so creepy and strange. I am not super close to this person. I told her that I have been praying for her and her situation. I said that as I was painting this, I felt she should have it.
I don't typically have the 'gift of giving' gene. I am too logical to help people with such day to day needs. I don't think to make a meal for people who need it or offer to do tasks in which people need. I am not a 'giver' - but in this moment I was. I felt so great giving her that painting that I loved and that I would have loved to hang in my own home. I was selfless and it felt great.
She didn't open it in front of me. I told her she could open it after I had gone, when she was ready. I never saw her face express or any reaction to my gift. I simple said that it was in my heart to give it to her and that I hoped she liked it. We said our goodbyes and I skipped to the car and drove home feeling rather proud that I did a nice thing. In that moment I wondered if I could paint more people pictures, if I could make it a ministry to bless people. I felt that my motives would be that from the spirit. To bring beauty to this world.
However, a couple days went by, then a week, then almost two and I hadn't heard anything from this friend. I started to wonder. I start to doubt. I started feeling my motives twisting into a wicked sinfulness. My heart began to sink and I began to dwell on many things.
Worry. Fear. Pride. Resentment. Anger. I started to let my fears of rejection creep in. What if she hated it? What if it doesn't match her home? What if it was too abstract? What if it was too strange of a thing to do? What if it reminder her of of something terrible? What if she doesn't want it? What would I do if I found my painting in the thrift store bin? What if she didn't have the courage to tell me she didn't like it? Satan loves feeding those things into our heads.
I knew when I painted it and gave it to her, I didn't expect anything. It was my gift and my heart was more than happy to give it. But I realized that my heart can be quite tricky and ultimately I need some kind of confirmation that my gift was acceptable and appreciated. I started to let Satan really manipulate my motives. I felt a bit rejected and it made me a little angry.
Sadly, I felt that I did deserve to be recognized. I haven't painted in months, and when I did I was rejected. However God likes to send us reminders of our faults. Because shortly after all those stupid head games, I got the really beautiful thank you card in the mail and I realized how terrible I let my heart became. My friend started the thank you by explaining why she delayed in her response to me. I sank.
In my own rejection, I began to see how often I reject Christ. Almost daily. His gift was way more valuable than my silly painting and yet, I often don't have any gratitude towards his gift and his love.
I realized how much I struggle with gratitude myself and how often I feel rejected from this world. Deeply I know that this world will really not give me what I long for and what I desire - as I desire to be in Christ fully and deeply. I can only be satisfied if I could become more like him and enter his presence fully.
I am grateful that Philippians 1:6 reminds me over and over again... That he began a good work in ME and He WILL see it through to completion! He reminds me more times than I care to confess that I am a sinner in need of his good love and grace. I am also reminded that I have the option of making things more beautiful through my art, I should not twist my motives to convenience myself and I just need to stay true to what my heart knows to be true... love.
